


IN THE BLEAK MIDWINTER

by vanhunks



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-12 05:28:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 46,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7087183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanhunks/pseuds/vanhunks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kathryn makes a decision that has extraordinary consequences for her. </p><p>Kathryn:     "Please...she's my little baby, Chakotay. Show me some mercy. I have never touched her, never felt her fluttering, her movement, seen her  <br/>                   heartbeat - "<br/>Chakotay:   "What kind of mother would give away her child? Tell me!"</p><p>Set season 7 AU.  Please read the notes at the beginning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. THE PREMISE  
> ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
> *What if J and C spent a night together - you know all the reasons they might, booze, drugs, alien possession, runaway hormones, yadda, yadda, yadda. It obviously isn't going to ever happen again, if KJ has her way.
> 
> But a while later - yep, you guessed it. KJ is preggers. And absolutely positive that she is NOT going to have a baby. She wants it terminated now! But Chakotay gets to the Doc first, and asserts his rights as one of the parents. They agree he has 1 week to find a surrogate. Which he does. The new woman becomes the mother of Chakotay's baby; Chakotay of course spends a lot of time with her, does anything for her, everyone on board coddles her, pampers her, is so excited about another child on board. Throws baby shower for her, etc, etc, etc. Some of them may even be pretty upset at KJ giving up her own child, just because it's inconvenient for her to have a child now. Would KJ & Chakotay ever reconcile their differences? Would KJ claim the child after birth, admitting she made a mistake? Or would she have to live with the mistake she made?*  
> _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
> 
>  
> 
> The idea for this story came from a "what if" scenario [read above] Amanda47 posted on VAMB [Voyagerangel Message Board] in the "Voyager's Muse" forum. Reading this instantly set my mind working. I had just completed "The Badlanders" which, as some might know, was at the other end of the spectrum, very dark AU fic. I was still dwelling about in the gloom of dark AU when this premise hit and the opportunity to write a completely different story came along. I have tried to incorporate most of what Mandy outlined in her premise though I've diverted from it as well. 
> 
> It was the premise that got me into a spin the entire time writing this story. I've been gloomy at times, at others just going great guns, then down in the gloom again. Mostly it was trying to make the original premise stick that had taken so long with this. I must say here that while I personally think Kathryn Janeway would make every attempt to keep her baby, even Starfleet captains succumb to depression, fear, extraordinary and irrational behaviour which make them very human and as flawed as the next person. Within my own precepts of this premise I have tried to write a believable story. 
> 
> In the tradition of our great tragic heroes of the past, this work explores the extraordinary consequences of decision making, and one as controversial as aborting for the sake of convenience. 
> 
> 2\. ANGST. 
> 
> Some VAMBies asked for "angst, angst, angst." I have always contended that there can be no good drama without conflict. Because I had lately emerged from a very emotionally draining story ["Badlanders"] it was clear that this new story – as mushy and romantic as it was going to be, would have its share of trauma and angst. 
> 
> 3\. BABYFIC
> 
> This story is unashamedly a babyfic. "Ties that Bind" became the first of my babyfics where the baby was pivotal to the plot of the story. Now, for the second time, "In the Bleak Midwinter" the baby is pivotal to the plot, which drives the story. There are readers who don't like babyfics, who don't read babyfics. Others enjoy babyfics and so this story, started and written to coincide with our recent Mother's Day celebration, was written for all those who like to read a babyfic now and then. 
> 
> 5\. DISCLAIMER
> 
> Paramount owns Voyager, Janeway, Chakotay. I have created one or two new characters for this story. I write because I write. 
> 
> 6\. DEDICATION
> 
> At ten years old, after the death of her parents to AIDS, NIKIWE cared for her two younger brothers, aged 5 and 3. NIKIWE is now 16 years old, recently received her identity documents which have allowed her to officially foster her two siblings. If we ask who have the credentials to be a mother, then we need look no further than the thousands of sisters in Southern Africa, some as young as seven or eight years old who care for their siblings after their parents have died.

* * *

 

_In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,_   
_Earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;_   
_Snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow,_   
_In the bleak midwinter, long ago._

                                    Christina Rosetti

 

 

**PROLOGUE**

 This late the hour the ship lay nestled in the quietness of its own sounds. The sustained thrumming of its engines as she moved at low warp, the odd footfall as crew moved almost stealthily along its corridors, the gentle, firm swish of turbolift doors as they opened or closed testified to the air of tranquillity that surrounded Voyager on her lonely quest for home.

 It was the time Kathryn Janeway loved best after a hard day's work. Long shifts incurred only because this calamity or that emergency or some other order of business that couldn't wait another day required her complete attention. Then, so focused on her task that it excluded any opportunity of reprieve from the discipline, duty and responsibility she always jealously claimed as her own, her day would end only long, long hours after Alpha shift crew had gone off duty, planned their evenings, gone to bed.

 Yet this hour didn't afford her the usual pleasure she always experienced as she walked the decks. Her feet carried her in the direction of the sick bay and often she glanced here and there, or behind her in order to remain unseen.

 Her heartbeat had quickened, an excited, guilty flutter that was only relieved by her deep breathing as she stood at the sick bay doors. The doctor was offline - that she had already established in her quarters just before she left. Now again she glanced quickly left and right, then pressed the panel that allowed her access into the quiet infirmary of Voyager.

 She was glad that Chakotay had long gone to bed.  He had been in attendance for almost forty eight hours and had finally relented on pain of death from the EMH to rest, the infant was going nowhere.

 Infant.

 Her eyes stole immediately to the crib next to the biobed. From where she stood just inside the door of the sickbay, she could see the baby. Did she sleep? Did the tiny arms wave in the air as if it knew someone had entered?

 A soft cry.

 In an instant Ensign Hargreaves was awake and sitting up, leaning over to lift the baby from the crib.

 Kathryn saw her tiny hands, the tiny feet, soft, downy rich brown hair that graced her head. Her mind was a whirl of conflict, of hearing voices from the past, of isolating those voices to hear that of her first officer, barely two weeks ago.

 She heard Chakotay's voice again. He had called her to Ensign Hargreaves's quarters. His arms had been about the heavily pregnant woman's slender shoulders. Sarah Hargreaves was beaming, her eyes full of awe, pride, and the hand that covered Chakotay's was a gesture that didn't go unnoticed. Kathryn bit back a cry, then insulated herself with detachment, or more pointedly according to some crew, her self-styled disinterest. She had gone because Chakotay and Sarah desired to see her and she was there in her capacity as the commanding officer of Voyager.

 That was all.

 "We have decided that we'd like for you to name the baby, Captain," Chakotay said quietly, his eyes defiant on her. Defiant and challenging. She had seen that look often in the last months. There had been times she thought he hated her. So why did they call her? To inflict her more pain?

 "I have no personal interest - "

 "Captain," Sarah Hargreaves cut in quickly, almost shyly, "I would dearly love you to have this honour."

 "Chakotay," she replied after a lengthy pause, her eyes away from Hargreaves, "I thought we agreed that I would have no further part in this."

 "This is our first child - "

 "Elizabeth…"

 "Kathryn?"

 But she hadn't waited for them to respond. She had turned on her heel and very quickly left the cabin.

 Now, in the sickbay, Sarah Hargreaves lifted baby Elizabeth in her arms, holding the infant close for a few seconds before she moved her hand to her breast. The baby nuzzled instantly for the source of her food and in awed wonder Sarah let the baby suckle. And, Kathryn thought not without pain, Sarah made a great production of connecting with the baby. And why not? She and Chakotay were proud parents.

 A giant hand compressed her heart so tightly that she wanted to cry out. But, like she had done two weeks ago in Sarah's quarters, she bit her lip, the soft inside where she tasted within seconds her own blood.

 It was too late now to do anything.

 Too late.

 Sarah Hargreaves owned Elizabeth. Another soft cry was bitten back, the sudden onset of dizziness as she saw the baby nestling peacefully against her mother overwhelming. She strained desperately to focus.

 "Don't you worry, Elizabeth," Sarah crooned softly. "You're my very own little girl. I always dreamed of a baby girl, you know? Now I have you… I do love your daddy with my whole heart. No one can take you away from me now, you hear me, sweetheart? No one…"

 Kathryn stood rooted to the spot. It was clear Sarah hadn't noticed her entrance. She continued crooning to the child, stroking her hair, the baby's impossibly soft cheek that invited butterfly light kisses dropped against it.

 "You're mine now, my angel. As soon as we get home, Daddy will take us far away where we'll live happily together…"

 As if the baby understood, her mouth released the nipple, her tiny fists thumped the fullness of her mother's breast.

 Only then Kathryn, her heart too full of what she witnessed, her whole being protesting against an injustice being played out, gave a soft, agonised cry of pain.

 Sarah Hargreaves finally sensed her presence and looked up, meeting her gaze. For a moment Kathryn thought Sarah might lower her gaze, but the young woman looked defiantly at her. A few heavy seconds filled with dread, with wanting to rush forward and touch the baby, claim Elizabeth as her own…

 "Why are you here, Captain Janeway?"

 "I - "

 The words tangled ignominiously somewhere between her brain and the divine passage to her vocal chords where they were still born, dying before they passed her lips. Somewhere a constriction that made expelling any kind of reaction, outrage, emotion impossible. Somewhere a tragic truth withheld. Somewhere, a woman whose insolent eyes and latent malevolence made her unattractive in the same moments the little tableau of mother and baby - Madonna and child - eternal symbol of motherhood was the most poignant and beautiful spectacle to behold.

 As attractive as Sarah Hargreaves looked in the aftermath of birth made what emotion she wrung from her face and voice something just as comparatively ugly. Kathryn found herself rendered mute in the face of the onslaught couched in searing sweetness - a haven of deceit which was known to only two persons. The young mother who had given birth and the woman who witnessed the defiant deceptive sweetness.

 "Suddenly you have nothing to say?" Sarah jeered. "You have never been interested, Captain. You remained indifferent, apathetic. The crew hate you, you know. Please, leave now. Leave me alone with my baby."

 Quietly, her heart throbbing a low song of pain, Kathryn turned and fled the sickbay.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><.

CHAPTER ONE

**THREE YEARS LATER**

Dorvan V was a dry planet situated in the Demilitarised Zone and destroyed during the Federation-Cardassian war by the Cardassians despite a treaty in 2370 that no side engage in hostilities in this area of space. It left the planet decimated and almost all its inhabitants either killed or enslaved. Those who survived and fled during the offensives returned to rebuild the planet and recreate the picturesque small towns and villages that were the features of Dorvan V.

An M-Class planet, Dorvan's proximity to its sun created an almost year round warm season, with occasional precipitation during the lower temperate periods the only relief. It also marked the moderately changing weather patterns as spring, though not dramatically cooler than summer.

Seven of Nine alighted from her shuttle, the heat of the late afternoon hitting her so sharply that she gasped for a second before finding her breath again. Then she shielded her eyes with her hand, peering in the distance. The landing area was functional, almost primitive compared to the modern smooth surfaces all over Earth, Earth's moon and the planets Mars and Jupiter.

The skirt she wore offered greater comfort and coolness than a tight fitting cat-suit would have offered. She had discarded that mode of dress soon after they had returned to the Alpha Quadrant and had the option of wearing Starfleet uniform or plain clothes. She smiled to herself. The only Voyager officer who had commented that she looked "great" in a dress was Harry Kim whom she was about to assimilate into a collective of two.

She began to walk towards the village a short distance away, the red slate roofs visible, the street  almost incongruously dotted with palm trees. Much rehabilitation of the land had taken place, she realised. Despite the desert features of the planet, the villages all appeared like small oases. The outlying areas sustained mostly chaparral suited to the dry weather conditions.

She had announced her pending visit to Dorvan's Senior Council. Chakotay had not been present but he must have been informed of her plans. No one had come to meet her at the landing pads, a not surprising occurrence, given the nature of her visit, or, just the fact that it was someone who knew him from Voyager who wanted an audience with him. He may not want to meet her, but as Captain Janeway remarked on numerous occasions, "Sometimes you just have to punch your way through."

Her mind was filled with the purpose of her burden; it would not render any relief until she had spoken with Chakotay. Already her heart hammered, not with the old, unaccustomed flutter of a bygone crush, but the prospect of defending to him the woman who meant the world to her. If anything touched Kathryn Janeway to the core and inflicted boundless hurt, it touched her too. For were they not in essence mother and daughter? Did she not find all her heart and affection bound to the one person in all of humanity who gave her back just that? One who watched with great care and love every faltering step she took towards becoming human again? One who nurtured her, counselled her, sometimes held her close in wordless solace?

If the need arose she would use excessive force to get Commander Chakotay to comply to her request. She hoped it wouldn't come to that. She was not Dalby or Ayala who trounced Commander Chakotay to within an inch of his life. The only reason they kept him alive, ostensibly, was that they couldn't kill a tiny infant's father.

She hoped that Chakotay would ponder over her words and not take long to make a decision. For Captain Janeway's sake, Chakotay needed to be by her side.

The heat was stifling and although she was not perturbed by it, it was a slight inconvenience to her. She thought idly how it was the height of summer here on Dorvan V when northern hemisphere Earth experienced the height of winter. She touched her cortical node, feeling the heat of it under her fingers. She needed to be in a cool place and preferably find water to quench her raging thirst.

At an airy abode near the end of the dusty road that ran through the entire village with its rows of houses flanking the central walkway, she paused, took in a deep breath and knocked. These were the co-ordinates of Chakotay's abode given her by the Council. It was several minutes before the door opened and a woman stood before her, her mouth marked by a droop, shoulders slumped and her appearance untidy. She looked dissolute, unkempt, a marked contrast to her Voyager days. Seven wondered absently why this woman hadn't left Dorvan V sooner than the three years given her to remain on the planet.

"Seven of Nine," Sarah Hargreaves drawled, "what brings you here?"

"I must speak with Chakotay," Seven replied, her initial instinct to greet Sarah lost in the woman's obvious sneer. "Where is he?"

"Why should I tell you?"

"Because I demand that you do. If you don't, I will not leave here until I have found him. Now, Sarah Hargreaves, are you going to comply?" she asked the woman, taking a step forward and preventing Sarah from closing the door on her.

After a long pause in which it seemed to her that Hargreaves was weighing her options, she simply pointed with her head in the direction of the opposite end of the town.

"The _habak_. You will find him there. Elizabeth is with him…I think."

Seven nodded, then turned away from the door, not heeding the way it was slammed shut by the irate woman. She didn't look back again, feeling relieved to be out of Sarah Hargreaves's sight. The woman's appearance had surprised her. She had always been well appointed, attractive, dressy in her off duty hours and, according to Samantha Wildman, an excellent exobiologist. But Sarah Hargreaves had always irritated her in what Seven could only now, with hindsight define as pure human instinct, and an irrational one at that. On Voyager Sarah Hargreaves had been the sweetest, most caring of individuals as seen through the eyes of the crew who stood by her side when she was pregnant. But Seven of Nine had known that under the saccharine, cutely sucking exterior lurked a manipulative little bitch.

Only she was aware of Sarah's deceit.

And Captain Janeway.

Seven had been surprised that senior crew like Tom Paris, B'Elanna, Tuvok and Magnus Rollins had never seen through this woman. Why she had resisted Sarah's sticky charm at the time she could never quite understand. Was it because she was instinctively suspicious of the "too good to be true" idea of manner and deportment in any person? She had come to understand that individuals had flaws. Commander Chakotay had them, Captain Janeway had them. She learned the hard way that Seven of Nine also had them. It made men and women human. Sarah Hargreaves projected too flawless and there-in lay the mistake she made. Seven gave a sigh. The woman was a non-entity for her, not worth assimilating for she had no distinctiveness that was worth adding to her fount of knowledge.

The outlay of the village as she had studied it from her charts made finding the _habak_ easy. A place - usually the upper floor of a building with a rough looking stack through the centre of the ceiling - where men and women could embark on vision quests.

She entered the cool abode that housed the _habak_ and stepped gingerly up the short flight of clay steps to what served as a mezzanine level. She knew it was Chakotay sitting there, his back to her. The black, cropped hairstyle was unmistakable and remarkably unchanged from his Voyager days. He must have ended his meditation only moments before where he had been seated at a small fire. He had lifted his hand off the akoonah, stood up and turned at the sound behind him.

Chakotay's mouth curved into a smile that rested there only a brief moment before it vanished and his face became aloof again. Aloof and stiff, unanimated, and, in a split second of dawning realisation for her, unfulfilled by his vision quest.

"Annika…"

"Where is Elizabeth?" she asked without preamble. Sarah had told her that Elizabeth was with her father, but she saw no child here.

Chakotay looked weary, was the thought that came to her. Weary and sad, with the same droop to his face and shoulders she had seen on Sarah Hargreaves. But Sarah's bearing was one of discontent whereas Chakotay's sadness exuded from his frame, springing from something deep and distant, a sadness not relieved by his quest for peace.

Seven had no time for niceties with this man. There was a time she thought that of all men on Voyager Chakotay had the greatest sense of honour. There was a time she thought that he could be someone who could watch over her like a loving, caring partner. That was not to be. She had soon been disillusioned on that score. She didn't mind. She was sensible and mature enough to realise that he had been a passing fancy. A romantic passing fancy that died in its infancy. From all such experiences she understood a person could only grow, learn, mature, adapt. Now, she could hate Chakotay all she wanted to.

"Elizabeth," he replied as she followed him down the steps to the cool front room, "is with my sister."

It spoke volumes.

"Why?" she asked nonetheless, thinking to needle him would be a good chance of getting a reaction from him, getting a little more animation in his face.

"Why do you think? Have you been to Sarah's house?"

"Sarah's house. She does not live with you?"

"No – "

"Is she not the mother of your child?"

"Mother?" it burst heatedly from him. "Sarah is no mother."

"Chakotay, forgive me for putting it bluntly, but you did choose her to be the mother of your baby."

"Why are you here?" he asked, a query understood, but also a clear attempt to avoid discussing Sarah Hargreaves.

"I wish to see the child," she parried instantly.

Chakotay hesitated a moment, then dropped his gaze. Seven wasn't going to grace him with any information judging by the querying look in his eyes. He didn't need sympathy and she wanted to prolong his agony. If anything, he could at least have sent Captain Janeway pictures, let her know how the child was doing. But he punished his captain, friend and lover then as he was punishing her now. While she concluded that he had been justified in many aspects surrounding Elizabeth's conception and birth with regard to his attitude to Captain Janeway, his behaviour subsequently was to her personally, unmanly and reprehensible.

"Come," he said softly and walked out the abode, into the bright sunshine that beat down on them. She followed him, staring at his back which was suddenly a little more rigid, proud, than it had been inside the _habak_. They walked some way, then turned left into a side path. She almost bumped into him when he stopped suddenly.

A house bigger than the first one, with an airy large foyer that offered immediate respite from the stifling heat. She heard a child's voice coming from somewhere in the house. Minutes later a woman appeared, a woman who looked like a female version of him, but without the tattoo. Seven frowned as she took a step forward. She looked remarkably like Chakotay.

"My name is Sekaya," the woman said in friendly greeting, her voice even, unsurprised. "I am Chakotay's sister. You must be Seven of Nine. I have heard much about you."

"I hope that what you have heard was good."

"Oh yes. You are much admired, Seven of Nine."

Seven thought there wouldn't be much to admire once she had finished her business here. If her work on board Voyager and now, at the Starfleet's Science Institute could be classed as admirable, she would dispute it and claim it simply as labour. Still, she nodded her acceptance of Sekaya's words and waited for Chakotay to reappear.

When Chakotay came back, a little girl was attached to his hand.

"Here. This is Elizabeth," he said morosely.

"Chakotay, my brother," Sekaya chided gently, "you are very unfriendly."

"Get done with your business, Annika, then leave."

"I will leave as soon as I have done with my business," she parroted him.

Sekaya bent down to the child's height and caressed Elizabeth's hair. Then she pointed to Seven.

"Sweetie, this lady here would like to meet you."

But Seven of Nine who had seen the child enter was struck by several things at once. The way the child clung to Sekaya's skirt, for one. She looked diffident, reluctant to open her mouth in front of a stranger and one who still wore Borg implants. The child's hair was smooth and probably brushed just before she was brought out. Golden brown hair that hung just past her shoulder blades. Elizabeth didn't smile, but kept clinging to her aunt, a thumb perilously close to her mouth, much like a baby would suck. Didn't the child ever have friends?

But it was Elizabeth's eyes that were the most arresting.

Seven remembered the first time she had seen Captain Janeway when she had been fully Borg and in the first days after she had been severed from the Collective. It was not Janeway's hair or her bearing or the way she pulled her mouth when she was set on a decision she had made. It was not the upward curve of that same mouth that indicated humour, a perplexing thing for a Borg to assimilate. It was not Janeway's uniform, her mode of dress and address or shiny pips that designated her rank which captured her. Nothing then which signified and entrenched even at that early stage of her reintegration into humanity for a lonely Borg woman-child that spoke for Janeway more than what she was seeing in Elizabeth.

It was Janeway's eyes.

Direct, blue-grey eyes that refused to back down even when most trapped. Eyes that changed colour with her emotions – anger, humour, the pitting of wits against every known foe of the Delta Quadrant, that challenged Seven of Nine's own superior knowledge and advantage. Eyes through which many had received Janeway's compassion and pardon and fairness.

"Remember, a single act of compassion can bring you in touch with your humanity…"

Janeway taught her that and she was here to do the same for the former captain of Voyager. It was the compassion in Kathryn Janeway's eyes which made her for all time not just a captain, but a woman of excellence.

Those eyes stared at her now, from the eyes of Elizabeth, daughter of Chakotay.

She bent down like Sekaya had done earlier and touched the child's hair gently.

"Hello, little one. My name is Seven of Nine. You can call me Annika. What is your name?"

The child hid her face in her aunt's skirt, then slowly, reluctantly peeped at her.

"My name is Elizabeth."

"It gives me joy to meet with you, little one. You cannot know how much…"

She was satisfied. She had seen Elizabeth who bore such a striking resemblance to Kathryn Janeway.

Seven stood up and nodded to Sekaya who quickly left the room with Elizabeth, leaving her with Chakotay who had stood motionless while she had spoken with the child. He looked belligerent, an emotion contrary to what she supposed a result of a vision quest had to be. Didn't one pursue peace or peaceful answers through such a quest?

"Why are you here?" he repeated his question of earlier.

"Captain Janeway has expressed a desire to see Elizabeth."

"She gave up that right three years ago."

"Elizabeth is her daughter too."

"A little late to remember that."

"Her surrogate is an unworthy mother."

"Leave Sarah out of this."

"I cannot, Chakotay. Sarah is guilty as you are guilty of your own condemnation of Captain Janeway."

"I'm not going to stand here and listen to you, Annika. I'm not taking my daughter to see – "

"Her real mother. Remember that, Chakotay, while you are still drowning in your own ignorance and anger and self-pity. Captain Janeway is still Elizabeth's mother."

"What kind of mother would give away her child? Tell me!"

Seven of Nine thought how she saw her own mother assimilated by a Borg drone, how her body slowly turned into a network of veins that turned flesh to a shadow of that flesh – an exoskeleton of metallic armour, blood that was no more human but filled with millions of nanoprobes that charged like parasites through her - assimilating, reforming, enhancing, engineering with harrowing ease the human body. Her mother's body. A body that had reached to her young, scared little girl cowering in fear, a body that in its dying moments screamed that her little girl be saved. As Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix 01 Seven of Nine never afterwards heard her mother's voice again, for it was drowned in the voices of  millions of drones.

There was no saviour for her mother.

And Captain Janeway saved that little girl many years later.

"A woman" she said slowly, her eyes burning, "from whom the choice to raise that child had been removed."

It didn't give her pleasure to see the way Chakotay blanched at her words. An hour ago she had been ready to take him to Earth by force. Now she hoped that her words struck a chord somewhere.

"What are you saying?"

"Just that, Chakotay. Captain Janeway only wishes to see Elizabeth this one time."

"It's too late," he said with disheartening ease. "She gave up that chance. Left me no choice but to raise my daughter – "

"Her daughter… And I do believe she tried to see her baby when it was born, a request denied her by you and your cohorts, despite the fact that she begged you."

He sighed heavily.

"She never wanted the child. Never! Everyone knew that. Sarah was the most suitable surrogate. Besides, she – "

"Was in love with you. And, Chakotay, even in my own insufficient understanding of human foibles, she used you…"

"I am not prepared to listen to more of this, Annika. Leave me, and leave me with my daughter."

"Funny."

"Why do you say that?"

"The night after Sarah Hargreaves gave birth to your daughter, she said the same thing to Captain Janeway."

"What?"

"Captain Janeway was compelled to visit sickbay in secret the night after the baby's birth. Sarah was not aware that the Doctor had left the sickbay audio running in order to record the baby's breathing while he was offline. I…stumbled upon it only two months later when the doctor asked me in B'Elanna Torres's absence to upgrade his programming at Starfleet Medical. By then you had already left for Dorvan V with your surrogate and baby – "

"He never said a word?"

"That, Commander, is something you must ask Captain Janeway. Her primary desire, however, is to see her daughter…"

Seven could see the warring emotions in Chakotay's eyes, the way his fingers clenched and unclenched, the twitching nerve, the throbbing at the hollow in his neck. He looked for a moment shattered. Eyes that clouded, gazed at her.

"She never wanted the child, Annika. She tried to kill Elizabeth, remember? Three times! She had no interest, nothing. Even when I asked, she was indifferent. Why now? Why now, three years later, with a surrogate mother who has dishonoured me and my daughter? Sarah…you must understand… She has not been a mother in Kathryn's absence. I have raised Elizabeth mostly on my own… Why now?"

"Why didn't you return to Earth then?"

"That…is my business, Annika. She gave away her baby, remember? So why now?"

"To grant a dying woman her last wish."

 

*********************

END THIS CHAPTER 


	2. Chapter 2

"Papa, am I coming to see my real grandma?" Elizabeth asked, impatient and cold and fretting as she wriggled against him.

She was so tiny, she looked more like a two year old than a three year old. But her mouth had been working non-stop since they left Dorvan V. For a child who never spoke much, Elizabeth seemed to have sprung into life. He had had no qualms about leaving Sarah Hargreaves there, instructing her to find her own way to her people. She had to be gone when he returned to Dorvan. Sarah had been relieved, mostly. So had he been. Her presence, her attitude which had changed the second they stepped off Voyager and headed for Dorvan V had changed like lightning. She had been indifferent to Elizabeth's needs and mostly tried to get him to bed her. Her motives had been self-serving. That had never been part of their arrangement and Sarah, her advances spurned, turned on him and simply went through the motions of tending the child.

Sarah did what she had to with the baby, breastfeeding for only two months, then just going mechanically through her tasks of caring for Elizabeth with little or no compassion or instinct to care.

And, it had gone downhill from there after he had turned down her plea to sleep with her, reminding her of their arrangement. He had held her to her bargain that she at least raise Elizabeth to her third or fourth year after which she could leave. Elizabeth, very strangely, called her Sarah and not 'Mommy' and he knew that Sarah had coached the child to address her as such.

After Annika's visit, he had been stunned to learn of Kathryn's illness. That she wanted to see her daughter was one wish he wanted to grant her. How had it happened that he left it to Sarah to send Kathryn pictures of their daughter? How? From what Seven intimated, Kathryn didn't know what her daughter looked like. How devious had Sarah really been? He had believed that asking her to mother his baby for three years was the best thing he could do for Elizabeth, to give her at least a mother. Sarah had been anything but a nurturing parent. Elizabeth might well have been a stranger to her.

All the time he had thought only the best of her; he thought that she was the ideal person to carry his baby - a baby that Kathryn didn't want. Now, it seemed that Kathryn had never received any pictures of Elizabeth and he felt the onset of nausea at the thought that they had both been that heartless in their punishment of Kathryn.

A punishment taken too far.

And so he told Elizabeth that she had a real mommy living on Earth, even when he knew that Kathryn was going to die. He wanted the child to know something of the woman who was her genetic mother. He was going to tell her later, when she was a little older and could understand the circumstances of her birth. Elizabeth had taken the news in her stride. She had never had much of anything with Sarah Hargreaves and the closest she was with anyone apart from himself was his sister. But Sekaya had her own children to care for.

"I am going to see my mommy?"

"Yes, sweetheart. But first I am taking you to your grandma, okay?"

"Grandma?"

"Grandma Gretchen. She is your mommy's mommy."

"Oh."

It was bitterly cold and not for the first time he wondered at the prudence of bringing Elizabeth with him. But the thought that Kathryn wanted to see her daughter was enough to sway him and brave the icy temperatures. He had wrapped her up warmly in a thick soft blanket over her warm clothing and still he could feel her shivering. It was just a short walk from the transport to Gretchen Janeway's apartment and already he could feel the cold in his marrow.

Now he approached her front door and his heart lurched wildly. He had never seen Gretchen and his earlier vid-com communication was his first sight of her, an older replica of Kathryn. He remembered their conversation with grave embarrassment, wondering how he could have been made a villain in this saga. Gretchen had shown her antagonism three days ago.

"My daughter is dying. What do you want, Chakotay?"

"Only that she wanted to see our daughter Elizabeth," he said, wondering how the woman's anger could bounce off the screen and hit him square between the eyes.

"You are the source of her woes. You and – and the little girl."

"She told you about Elizabeth?"

"She didn't. More's the pity. Her former crew spoke about the child, yes. All except the father of her child. And let me tell you: what they said about my daughter, they weren't very flattering things. Every damned crewman and officer of Voyager took great pleasure in telling everyone with a willing ear what an unbelievably unfeeling, uncaring woman my daughter was in giving away her baby."

Her censure was palpable. What was he supposed to do? Reclaim Kathryn as the mother of Elizabeth, then leave for Dorvan? He never even thought of doing it primarily because Kathryn had been so adamant about keeping out of Elizabeth's life. Now, the slow dawning that Sarah might have had something do to with Kathryn's decision brought the nausea close to the surface again. Kathryn, God help him if she could still live before breathing her last, would know just what went on...

"Look, I am only bringing my daughter – "

"Her daughter…"

He sighed. What was it with them? he wondered idly as he remained standing in the cold facing the closed front door thinking about that conversation with Gretchen. Suddenly they were staking Kathryn's claim, something he had been so damned angry about acknowledging. Seven had said the same thing to him.

So had Sarah Hargreaves on Dorvan, more times than he could remember.

"Her daughter," he relented. "I'm bringing Elizabeth to her. She wishes to see…her daughter."

"You're not asking after Kathryn? What kind of man are you?"

He hadn't wanted to, afraid of what he'd hear. Seven had shocked the life out of him and it rattled him still, eroded the anger that had been his master for so long. Eroded and finally, after a night of tossing and turning, of walking in the total darkness that typified Dorvan's nights, to the habak in a quest to find peace, laid bare his feelings. He returned, stripped of his anger, stripped of everything that had kept him from contacting Kathryn again and going on his knees before her and insisting that she was the best person ever to mother her little child. His pride, his warped sense of honour that made Sarah Hargreaves's 

generosity the only thing he could accept during the pregnancy, his bitterness at raising his daughter without a mother after all, the old hesitance to face Kathryn's implacability - all of it gone.

He had been unmanly.

He didn't want to love Kathryn. After what she had done to him he never wanted to look at her again and feel as if his very guts were ripped from him. He never wanted to hear her mellowed voice again and flounder anchorless in a raging ocean with no hope of being rescued except by her. They had come together, the circumstances of that union leaving little to be proud of for they had both been too intoxicated to consider the consequences of their actions. But he had loved her.

Now Kathryn lay dying and he remembered the occasions he had despaired as she lay on Voyager's biobed, dying. He had turned cold inside. If he ever wished bad fortune on Kathryn Janeway, he had given her enough of it, but he swore that wishing her dead had never in creation been part of any of his thinking processes, his meandering into anger and disappointment at what happened more than three years ago. At the back of his mind, and more and more in recent months, Kathryn had been in his mind constantly. Wishing her dead? Never. She was the mother of his child.

After Seven's revelation, how could he not love Kathryn still?

"I love her, Mrs Janeway. I – I don't want her to die…"

He had seen how a tear rolled down Gretchen's cheek.

"Please, bring Elizabeth…" she said, her voice a plea, yet strangely filled with awe.

"Thank you…"

"Papa…"

The door opened even as he was still silently repeating that 'thank you' of days ago. Gretchen Janeway stood there, a grey-haired gentleman hovering just behind her.

"Oh, my poor baby!" she crooned as she held out her arms to take the child.

Elizabeth had stopped wriggling, peeped from under the blanket at Gretchen's face, then looked like a completely scared doe. Gretchen stepped quickly into the warm depths of the apartment, clutching the child to her. 

"Don't stand there in the cold, Chakotay. Come inside," she said and he thought he heard Kathryn's voice they way she ordered her crew about.

What of Kathryn? Why weren't they at the hospital? Did she die after all?

So he followed Gretchen inside. She had removed the blanket, seated herself in the largest sofa he ever saw and held Elizabeth on her lap. Elizabeth stared at her wide-eyed, scared. He grimaced. His daughter had never been showered by a stream of friendliness. It unnerved her and she started crying. The grey-haired gentleman stood next him and he shrugged. Chakotay wanted to take the child from Gretchen, but the man's hand held him back, indicating that Gretchen knew what she was doing.

"Gretchen has forgotten her manners, Captain Chakotay. I am – "

"Admiral Ponsonby."

"I see you have done your homework."

"Elizabeth needs to know what she's up against," Chakotay said, his voice changed to softness as they watched Gretchen calm the distressed child who strangely didn't reach for him but remained in her grandmother's warm, soft hug. And why not? The moment he decided to return to Earth, he had shown Elizabeth pictures of Gretchen Janeway and mostly, of her mother. The child had stared entranced at pictures of Kathryn.

"The best, I can tell you that. Leave it to her grandmother…"

And he did. Gretchen crooned, offered solace, wiped the tears from Elizabeth's cheeks, kissed her forehead, her cheeks, stroked her long, golden brown hair. Her cheeks were flushed, her lips rosy red from the warmth that had crept into her again.

"There, there, my little angel. It's only me, your grandma. I'm here, shhh… Don't worry, my angel… See? There's your daddy standing and that gentleman standing next to him is your grandpa. Not your grandpa by blood, mind you, but you'll get the idea soon enough. The man's a real teddy bear, if you ask me."

And Elizabeth had stopped her crying, making Chakotay wonder at how easily she had settled in her grandmother's lap and obviously not minding remaining there. He wanted to ask about Kathryn, afraid to contact the hospital, not wanting to hear that she was dead or almost dead. His heart hammered. He was impatient too, but his daughter needed comfort. They weren't saying anything. He was concerned. He had to take her to see her mother. That was why he came back to Earth, wasn't it? So why were they so unperturbed?

"Adam, get Elizabeth's toy, will you?" Gretchen ordered.

That was when he looked really properly into Gretchen's eyes as she gazed at her husband. How had he missed it earlier? The same fear he experienced was there, lurking in her eyes. Fear and sorrow and pending doom. They tried to hide it well, Kathryn's mother and stepfather. For the child, for him, he supposed they put up a magnificent pretence of acting as though Kathryn would walk into their home any moment, healthy as always.

Only now he noticed the unmistakable signs of sleepless nights, keeping a vigil. He realised they must have been sent home to rest.

Adam turned to him with a mock pained expression in his eyes and dipped quickly out of the lounge. A minute later he was back, carrying a large white teddy bear. Elizabeth's eyes lit up, the tears gone, her red mouth gasping in wonder as she saw the toy, her arms instinctively reaching to receive it. A broad smile changed her features like he hadn't seen it in a very long time.

"Is this for me?" she asked, her little voice breathless.

"It's a lady teddy bear, sweetheart," her grandmother replied, looking at the men as if to challenge them to refute her statement. "And, you can give her a name…"

"Teddy bears don't have names," Elizabeth replied.

"Oh, that's right. When you buy them, they leave it to you to give a name."

"Oh."

"So?"

"Katie."

They didn't ask her how she knew, and he had only given her mother's full name. Elizabeth had taken it and made her own endearment. Maybe the time was right at last to tell them of Elizabeth's middle and last names. Gretchen's eyes filled with tears and she turned, mouthing her own 'thank you' to him.

If he had never known what it was to be a typical child, he was seeing it now.

He closed his eyes and it didn't matter to him that they were watching him. It didn't matter anymore. Elizabeth was home.

Perhaps not completely, for she needed to see her mother. For the first time since her birth, his little girl was surrounded by her mother's loving parents, by the warmth of their unconditional affection. A hand touched his shoulder and he opened his eyes. Gretchen stood in front of him, her eyes full of compassion. For a moment he thought he saw Kathryn, on Voyager, in one of those moments when she offered solace to a grieving crewman.

"Somewhere," Gretchen Janeway said with heartbreaking sorrow in her voice, "there is an explanation for all of this, Chakotay."

"Yes…"

"Then go to her, son. Go to my little girl who has lost the will to fight her illness. Go to her and give her reason to live again…"

"Elizabeth…"

"We will follow. Don't worry, she is safe with us."

"I never doubted that for a second," he said, feeling a measure of relief for the first time in almost four years.

**********

END CHAPTER TWO


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

 

Although they didn't live far from Starfleet Medical, the journey there seemed to take an eternity. He was alone in the transport. Elizabeth was happy with her grandparents; they were leaving a little later, to give him time, he knew, to be alone with Kathryn.

He had read the medical report finally, given him by Admiral Ponsonby. There was still so much he didn't know and a simple infection that had gone untended led to major infection. On top of that, Kathryn had contracted pneumonia.

"She lives at Indiana mostly these days, shuttling to Headquarters," Gretchen had explained to him. "One weekend of working on the farm in bitter weather when she already had an infection and a cold… Well, you know how Kathryn has always been her own, most dangerous physician."

"She failed to respond to our hails, and we found her lying on the damp embankment of the stream that runs through the property."

He had nodded, too stunned to respond. Kathryn had always been very careful on Voyager, though sometimes neglectful of having her medicals until the doctor reminded her that she was overdue.

"It's not that she couldn't be treated and healed quickly, but she isn't responding to treatment, Chakotay," Ponsonby added, concerned.

"Voyager's doctor?" he had asked.

"He arrived two days ago from Jupiter Station. There's something he's not telling us, something about earlier, unheeded injuries – "

"She incurred on Voyager?"

"Earlier, in her days as an ensign."

"Do you know what it is?"

Gretchen's eyes had darkened, the deep sorrow in them again. After a long pause, she spoke.

"I don't know how much it has to do with her present condition. Kathryn should tell you this. It may be critical to your understanding of her behaviour on Voyager, with the child…"

He had nodded his grateful thanks and now, as he alighted from the transport about three hundred metres from Starfleet Medical, the cold hit him square in the face. He gasped, icicles forming on his warm breath as he started to walk briskly in the direction of the hospital.

Winter on Earth always had its own charm, apart from the deadly cold that seeped into his bones. Trees dripped silvery droplets from their branches after the night's rain. The sky was filled with dark clouds – monstrous, ominous beasts that lived and breathed and moved, a boiling mass that portended nothing but evil. His legs already felt stiff even though he was warmly clothed. Tiny pinpricks – slivers of glass-like ice settled against his cheeks.

 

On Voyager they had virtually forgotten about seasons and recorded them only as each crewmember experienced them on their respective homeworlds. He hadn't thought about it at the time, and here, on Earth, January brought with it misery if one were lonely. He hadn't realised how lonely he was, living only to care for his daughter, his own thoughts spent being angry at the world and angry at Kathryn. In retrospect he realised how counter-productive that was. Why had he always assumed that after Voyager, Kathryn would remain disinterested? She had virtually signed Elizabeth away to him and Sarah Hargreaves. Did he underestimate her so completely that he never thought once of letting her know how the child was doing?

He pulled his parka tighter around him. As he entered the building, he was met by another grey-haired gentleman, one who looked familiar. The man stopped suddenly, gave him a piercing glance as he frowned at the same time.

"Captain Chakotay."

"Admiral Paris."

"I had hoped that the circumstances under which we met would be different. I had to threaten Kathryn's mother and Adam with death if they didn't leave her side to go home and rest. Now, you can chase Phoebe out."

With that Admiral Paris nodded and went on his way. It seemed that everyone was aware of Kathryn's plight, and why not? She was one of the up-and-coming new admirals of Starfleet, known by all as the legendary Captain of Voyager. Her lot was their lot, at least to those closest to her and those who had not been with her on Voyager - her mother, her stepfather, the friends she had left behind, Admiral Paris and his wife Elizabeth, a doctor who treated Kathryn here at Starfleet Medical.

What did he have? A freshly promoted captaincy, Kathryn's baby, three weeks old, to take wherever it pleased him to settle down with her - far, far away from the mother who didn't want her. They all knew - her parents and friends here at home who wanted her to recover and find closure on the baby she lost. Whatever feelings the crew of Voyager had against Kathryn were negated by her family who stood by her. The irony hit him hard. Once the crew had referred to themselves as the family of Voyager with Janeway as their mother, surrogating in absentia for their own loved ones they left behind. He had been constantly aware of their growing antagonism towards their captain, abetted in those attitudes no doubt by Sarah Hargreaves who, with sweet disposition wailed to all that Kathryn didn't wish to see her, or touch her stomach to connect with the baby, to feel the first fluttering at twenty weeks, or the kicking at thirty six weeks.

And in equal sweet disposition told everyone who crooned about her, that the baby was to be named Elizabeth, a name given by the Captain.

He shook his head at his own colossal ignorance, when he thought that Sarah had been right. Her sweetness won everyone over and they believed her implicitly. Kathryn never once disputed Sarah's claims and so he too believed Sarah and believed his crew who stood firmly behind him and Elizabeth's surrogate mother.

And in blinding hindsight he realised that the only champion Kathryn had on Voyager was the person they least expected to defend her, a person who was a former Borg and whose very existence in the Borg Collective depended on absolutes, scientific fact, assimilation of the best qualities and capabilities of their victims. All else was irrelevant.

Seven of Nine. Nurtured to womanhood and humanity by Kathryn Janeway.

Here he was faced by people who loved Kathryn passionately - a former mentor in Admiral Paris, a mother who felt her daughter's sorrow, a stepfather who remained the stable backbone of their new family structure, a sister...

Chakotay drew in a deep breath as he took the lift to the third floor and made his way to the ward where Kathryn lay. His heart burned fiercely. He didn't know what he'd find. When Annika told him Kathryn was dying, her eyes had filled with tears. She had defended Kathryn intensely. The medical report indicated Kathryn unresponsive to treatment. She could still survive with the right motivation, a reason to live. He believed that Elizabeth was that person - young and tiny and feisty like her mother, with her mother's eyes. Elizabeth was going to be the miracle worker for Kathryn and ultimately, for them all.

He paused in front of the door. Just as he lifted his hand to press the panel, the door opened. A pair of fiery eyes – not the same blue-grey of Kathryn's but more like the golden liquid of wine – stared at him. This had to be Phoebe.

"Chakotay," her voice came in a low, urgent whisper. "I was told you were coming. I didn't tell…her," she added, pointing to the figure on the bed.

"Thank you…"

The door closed behind Phoebe and he sighed when she squared her shoulders. What now? Another inquisition which he couldn't answer? But her eyes were soft as they rested on him.

"I believe I have a niece," she said.

He gave a sigh of relief.

"Yes. Your mother is bringing her here."

Phoebe nodded, then she touched his arm, her gesture pleading.

"Make her come alive again."

**************

There was a smell of sickness in the air as he stepped into the room and approached the bed. Kathryn lay, her eyes closed, her head on a flat pillow so that it looked as if there weren't anything supporting her head.

Her hands rested on the cover. Translucent skin that tried its best to cover the hands - mere skeletal assemblage of bones. Even her face looked like the skin had been pulled tightly over jutting cheekbones. The eye sockets were deep, darkened and bruised. Her parched lips allowed only a thin aperture for breathing.

Breathing.

Kathryn was struggling to get air into her lungs, air that caused the phlegm to gurgle so that it sounded terrible, an old engine in the sputtering process of dying. Her hands were so translucent that the veins appeared like an ancient roadmap, haphazard directions, pulsating in hideous, yet constant recording of life still in her. A life that was slowly ebbing away.

He had seen her many, many times on Voyager, injured, sometimes even near death, but this was different. This was Kathryn in mental pain.

Her mother was right. The will to live had left her.

He sat down on the chair vacated a minute ago by Phoebe. Kathryn's hand felt light as a butterfly's as he lifted it to rest on his palm, then covering it with his other hand. Cold, lifeless, a transparent tube through which he could see her lifeblood pulsing.

He touched her forehead, a gentle touch that consoled for even as he touched her, he could hear her wordless agonised pleas. His throat felt thick. He remembered her as they prepared to leave Voyager. She had been quiet, aloof, hadn't wanted to see Elizabeth before they left.

"Elizabeth – "

"I told you, she's yours Chakotay. Yours and Sarah's…"

And only now, three years later, he recalled the darkness in Kathryn's eyes, the same darkness he had seen in Phoebe, in Gretchen Janeway and yes, in Annika Hansen. It had been there, a fleeting second in which he should have acted.

Anger could be the spur to many an unplanned deed, he thought. He had dismissed what he saw in Kathryn's eyes and for three long years kept her child from her. He should have stormed her defences then, but Sarah had been tugging at him...

"Oh, Kathryn," he murmured hoarsely. "Kathryn…"

He imagined she stirred, imagined that the hand resting in his moved at the sound of his voice.

"Forgive me…" he whispered. "Forgive me..."

He leaned over, desperate to touch her fevered brow with his lips, desperate that she open her eyes. Her skin burned. He must have given a sob as he pressed his lips to her forehead. He felt the stirring, finally, the thin fingers clutching his hand. Movement, imperceptible, but there.

When he sat back, his insides burning up with anguish for her, he saw her eyes open slowly.

At first she looked straight up, at the ceiling, then agonisingly slowly turned to his voice. She gazed at him for an eternity, perhaps not believing that he was there.

"Kathryn…it's me, Chakotay…"

Her parched lips moved, her eyes appeared to be on fire, but there was, the spirits help him, recognition.

"Chakotay…"

She tried to lift her hands to touch him, but they fell back. There settled fear in her eyes – fear at her own helplessness. Her hair was matted to her skin, a thin film of perspiration on her upper lip. She tried to lift herself but couldn't. Her eyes filled with angst. But he covered her emaciated hand with his to reassure her of his presence.

"I tried to forget…" she said in the wheezy, angry bubbling of breath. "But I couldn't…forget...my baby..."

He stared at her, staggered for a moment by her revelation, the pause just long enough for him to spring into action, for Kathryn had begun to quiver, her teeth chattering in the wake of the shudders. Her voice faltered strangely as she tried to speak again, but the bubbling, wheezing breath choked her sobs.

Did his own eyes fall away? he wondered as he moved to sit on the bed, hauling her feverish body to him, holding her so close as he only remembered from a bygone night they had made love and he proclaimed his feelings for her over and over.

His hands stroked her hair, held her head against his chest. The trembling lessened as he consoled her through his touch. He had no words, none at all in the onslaught of her own, agonised uttering. Her words that had opened a world of such extreme pain that he felt the shards stabbing into every corner of his heart, made him want to cry out. He rocked her gently, like he had done night after night on Dorvan V with their baby, a baby who sometimes became sick and he didn't know what to do. There were times, in moments when the anger fell away, he wished for Kathryn to be there. 

Now she lay against him with the abandon of the very sick, unable or reluctant to move again.

He lay her back against the low, flat pillow. Her eyes never left him, never broke their connection.

"Elizabeth…" she said softly. "Where is my baby…?"

And then Kathryn's tears rolled. An unstoppable flood that had started the moment she faced him in the sickbay of Voyager and challenged him about terminating her pregnancy. There were things in the history of Kathryn, factors of which he remained unaware. If they were to go forward, they had to go back. She was going to tell him her story, and he would tell her his side and together, he prayed, they would find resolution, find all the things that he once dreamed they could have and could be; they would find closure on a chapter of their lives marked by pain, love, deception, deceit, everything that kept a baby away from the mother who was meant to be.

There would be answers, there would be recrimination and as surely as he needed to answer Kathryn's agonised need to have Elizabeth with her, as surely he realised now, Sarah Hargreaves lay at the root of Kathryn's heartache.

Elizabeth had been prepared by the EMH, given an inoculation against Kathryn's fever. Kathryn who was dying, but Kathryn who would rally because he promised to bring her daughter to her.

"She – " he started, and then the door opened.

Gretchen stepped inside with Elizabeth holding her hand. She nodded to Chakotay who rushed forward to pick up the child. Kathryn's mother gave him a grateful glance before she stepped outside again, closing the door as she went. Elizabeth looked at him with wide eyes. He kissed her on the nose. It was a wonder she didn't bring the teddy bear along.

"Papa?"

"Angel, your real mommy is very sick, okay? But she's going to get better soon…"

"Mommy?"

"Elizabeth…?"

Kathryn's voice, a little stronger, but still wheezing, floated to them as he turned towards the bed again.

Kathryn couldn't keep her eyes off her child and Elizabeth was struck mute as she stared at her mother. Then she leaned forward to touch Kathryn. Chakotay pulled the cover away and placed Elizabeth in her mother's arms.

The child crawled deeper against her mother's bosom, and flung her arm around Kathryn. He pulled the cover over them. It was almost surreal, the way Kathryn's hands, so thin, so lifeless before, filled with life, the thin arms holding her daughter close as if she would never ever let her fall. Trembling fingers that caressed hair, cheeks, eyes, even managed to kiss her baby's flushed cheek. And the child was on a discovery all on her own, whispering the word 'mommy' over and over as if to acquaint herself with a new word, making it part of her memory, her life, her understanding, her awareness.

"Mommy…"

Kathryn gave a sob.

"My baby…my baby…" she murmured brokenly as he watched in fascination how their daughter raised her hand to touch Kathryn's cheek, to discover her face, and even kiss her mother. 

"My mommy…"

The door opened softly behind him. He knew it was Gretchen. She came to stand next to him, watching mother and child, awed, humbled by a strength of emotion he had never acknowledged before, always played it down, always believed it wasn't there. His eyes burned in the late realisation of a grave mistake he had made.

This was what he had thought Elizabeth would have with Sarah, the woman he chose to surrogate for Kathryn. This, the crawling into Kathryn's skin by a child denied from the moment of her birth such a closeness, such a love. This, the healing touch of a child he was sure would make Kathryn come alive again. This, a mistaken belief that Kathryn never cared, shown in the way she kissed her daughter, the tears that never stopped running down gaunt cheeks. This, the closeness, the cuddling, the nestling and nuzzling in Kathryn's neck. This, the instinctiveness of motherhood, eternal.

"They belong together, son," Gretchen whispered next to him.

He could only nod. Long they stood there, not surprised when both mother and child, exhausted, fell naturally into deep sleep.

******************

END CHAPTER THREE


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

**2371 - Ten years previously… Beginning of Voyager's journey home**

She had been in no mood to grapple with the doctor. He had been activated for duty only three months ago and had yet to cultivate a bedside manner. When she entered the sickbay, it was empty and she sighed with relief. The EMH had complained bitterly about not being taken offline by the last person in sickbay leaving, and that included Kes, sweet Kes who knew how to deal with him.

"Computer, activate Emergency Medical Hologram – "

"Please state the nature of the emergency – " he started, then seeing her, "Captain Janeway, late for her medical. Is that a good way to set an example for the crew?"

"I'm here, doctor, and do be quick about it. I have a ship to run."

"And a first officer, a chief of security, the best pilot in the universe to run Voyager."

"Doctor…"

"Fine, Captain. But I would like to see you on time for your next appointment and not have to wait five days. What if you're sick"

"I'll know where to come."

"Only after you've languished in your cot from dropsy," the EMH said acerbically as he pushed her towards the main biobed. "Now let's see… Heartbeat… Brain function…"

"Doctor, get on with it."

"Fine. You're the captain," he replied, then continued with his examination.

He was thorough, she realised and when her heartbeat quickened, she knew he'd pick that up too.

"Relax, Captain."

She couldn't. She had been putting this off as long as she could. Nothing in her medical records transferred to Voyager from Headquarters pointed to any anomalies. If he weren't a hologram, she would have gotten away with it, as she had done on her previous ships, but the EMH had an irritating habit of being irritatingly insistent. He wasn't going to forget. It was in his programming.

Records that showed nothing. How effective was that when your EMH continued with his examination, making clicking sounds now and then, never letting on what he'd discovered?

She heard Tom's father again, on the Al Batani.

_"Ensign Janeway, what you've endured here… I've seen to it that it remains classified. It can be deleted from your medical records if you wish."_

She wanted it classified, with only her own voice level clearance, and have it ceded from all other records. But she knew with sickening dread here on Voyager, that it was going to happen with an EMH the only medical officer on board and one who would wake her up in the middle of the night to call her to sickbay.

She watched him closely, searching for a change in his expression, however slight. But the frown that had been there when he was first activated was the same frown now, so it was difficult to read his expression.

Good doctor. He played his cards close to his chest. She just wondered when the penny was going to drop. So she looked at the ceiling, avoided his gaze which remained unreadable and let him get on with his work.

"You're taking long, Doctor," she said suddenly.

"One more and I'm done."

There was no one else in sickbay and she was glad of that. Unless the situation required it, he preferred seeing his patients privately.

And with good reason. 

"Sit up, Captain," the EMH ordered.

She complied, making sure her hair was still neat, smoothing down her jacket, wiping away imaginary dust.

"Look at me, Captain."

She met his gaze. Still the same, though his eyes appeared a little less steely and dispassionate. Her fingers curled tightly round the edge of the bed. She couldn't look away.

"There is no record of what I've just discovered, Captain," he said, his voice strained.

"I know."

"I can tell you what I've found – "

"You don't need to, Doctor."

"You have only one uterine tube and one ovary."

"I could have told you that."

"It took you six days just to get here. When were you going to tell me?"

"It is irrelevant, Doctor."

"I beg to differ. Not only is that the case, but there are definite traces that you've had pregnancies. Four or five or more of them, Captain. Scar tissue too slight to pick up where the foetuses were attached to the wall of your womb, and all of them close to the entrance of the uterine tubes."

"Six…more…"

"You know of what I speak."

"And you cannot know of what I suffered."

"Tell me, Captain, if I am to understand. This may affect you – "

She shook her head.

"I can't. It's confidential, it's classified and it's none of your business!"

She slid off the biobed and was ready to walk when he caught her arm and halted her stride.

"You've suffered major trauma, Captain."

"I'm sorry, I can't…"

"Captain – "

"No more. And not a word of this, you understand? It means nothing to anyone. Nothing!"

Her cheeks were aflame as she broke loose and strode out of sickbay, leaving the doctor still online.

On the bridge Chakotay had given her a sideways glance, his face concerned. She had hardly greeted him, but slumped into her chair and continued to stare at the main viewscreen. They were in alien space, with hostile aliens jumping at them from every grid. They had to contend with the Kazon and now, the Vidiians who harvested organs for their own self-preservation. She was glad of the distractions.  She didn't want to think, didn't want to revisit a past that still gave her nightmares almost every night. She had thought it would be easy to deal with her traumas, easy to put it behind her, but she had been rudely disillusioned.

They kept coming at her, for her, kept coming… in her dreams, in her sleep, in most waking moments. They were the times she sought refuge in her ready room, recover from the latest dream, or just try and push it back so that her task of running the ship remained paramount.

"Captain, are you alright?" she heard Chakotay say.

Hearing the concern in his voice pulled her back forcefully. She wanted no sympathy, but immediately on the heels of that thought came the realisation that if he didn't know anything, why should he sympathise?

"Nothing is wrong, Commander," she said, smiling as she turned to face him. "Just the EMH being at his obnoxious best."

"He gave you a hard time too?"

_Much more than anyone on the ship…_

"No more than he did the others."

"So why the long face?"

"Why the inquisition?" she parried, turning her attention to Tom Paris who was sliding on his stool from side to side at the conn.

"I apologise, Captain."

"No need to, Commander. I'm boorish today."

"Can I interest you in a game of Velocity in the holodeck? 2100, I saved some rations for an hour's holodeck time…"

She had been grateful that he changed the subject. It was a welcome distraction, and she had not played Velocity on Voyager. They would make a good team, she thought.

"You're on. Don't mind me if you lose…"

"Not a chance, Captain."

"Oh…"

"What is it?"

"I've forgotten to deactivate the EMH."

"Strike one against Janeway?" he said, his face lighting up as he smiled.

"I think I'll keep away from him for the next month."

"Too long," Chakotay said as she quickly hailed the sickbay from the console between them.

Ensign Sarah Hargreaves looked at them with a smile.

"Don't worry, Captain. I have deactivated the doctor."

"Thank you, Ensign."

"That settles it, then," Chakotay said, the attractive ensign forgotten. "Tonight."

That night at 2100 they entered holodeck two and played Velocity. Chakotay was remarkably agile for his tall frame, his reflexes very quick. She had to concentrate hard to challenge him with equal speed, but in the end, lost the game. She was glad when Chakotay didn't gloat. She hated when winners gloated.

She had given him a grateful squeeze on the arm, then made her way to her quarters without once looking back. She showered, got ready for bed with a good book. She loved books and Miss Elizabeth Bennet had been a good, if prejudiced companion to take to bed.

 When she woke up the next morning, she realised with some wonder that she had a dreamless sleep, that her book had sailed off the bed and was lying on the floor and that she was late for Alpha Shift.

"I'm never late," she mumbled under her breath as she seated herself in the command chair.

"No, you're not, Captain. Only about an hour early."

"What?"

"No comment."

Chakotay gave her a broad smile. Her heart settled into an easy rhythm. They were colleagues barely three months and now she realised for the first time, that they could become very good friends.

It was good. She needed a friend. Chakotay, she decided, would make a very good friend.

****

 

END CHAPTER FOUR


	5. Chapter 5

The present.

Kathryn was sitting up in bed. Chakotay had been amazed at the rate of her recovery. Their daughter had been the miracle worker as he had hoped. The translucence was still there, as if Kathryn could break any moment, but she looked much better than the previous day, the old strength returning.

Now Kathryn looked calm, serene in the face of what she had been telling him, although it was clear to him that her uncertainty rested mainly in the fact that she hoped he would believe her. Still, it was a beginning and Kathryn had been very open to share with him now the things that she had been so afraid of telling him then.

"I want to tell you everything, but if you don't - "

"Take your time, then, sweetheart," he assured her. "I'm here now and I'm listening with all my heart."

Her eyes had lit up at the endearment. And now, after telling him about that first medical on Voyager which she had been so reluctant to take, it gave him a terrifying insight to Kathryn's trauma, and the secrets she had held so close to her heart.

"Elizabeth is very beautiful, Chakotay. I'm proud…glad you brought her. You have raised her well. She – she is so small…"

"She has always been small. Dainty and beautiful just like her mother. She sprouted her first tooth when she was six months and took her first steps when she was eleven months…"

Kathryn's eyes were alive, then suddenly they went dull again. He cupped her still sunken cheek, knowing what caused the momentary pain.

"I'm sorry you couldn't be there for her milestones," he said. Elizabeth never did connect with Sarah Hargreaves. Sarah… Before we left Dorvan I sent her home, if you must know."

"Seven of Nine came here often. It's very hazy for me, trying to remember who kept a vigil. I – must have called for Elizabeth many times…"

"I came as soon as I heard, to bring your little girl back to you."

"Annika said she would assimilate you if you didn't bring my baby home. There are crew who still think I don't deserve. Maybe I don't – "

"Stop right there, Kathryn. No talk here about being undeserving, okay? You deserve her and it was your right to have her. Your right. What happened, I'm only now beginning to learn to understand. My anger got in the way of my better judgment. For that I am so very sorry! But Elizabeth is your little girl, remember that always."

"Seven said she hoped to appeal to your sense of reason."

"I was very angry, you must know. I wanted to send Seven away, but then I kept thinking of Elizabeth. After a year, Sarah lost all interest in her, yet she stayed because - because…"

He couldn't contitnue, thinking how Sarah tried to seduce him. Sarah who had been so sweet and kind and compassionate in his presence on Voyager. He remembered his rage, mostly directed at himself then and his pride at not bringing Elizabeth back to Earth and plead once again on her behalf that Kathryn accept her.

"Where is she now?" Kathryn asked. 

"I believe she returned to Earth. She'd visited a few times while on Dorvan, mainly to connect with her friends and family again. As you know, she has no parents. There's only an ageing grandfather, I believe."

"Sarah… Later, Chakotay, I will tell you about her…"

Kathryn's words held a tone of sadness, a lonely, gloomy sadness tinged with a strange portent. He covered Kathryn's hand quickly when he saw she was becoming distant again, staring out the window for long moments. Then she turned her head to face him. Her eyes were clear of the ravaging fever and the pain he saw in them on the first day.

"I'm okay, don't worry so," she comforted. He felt relief surge through him.

"Elizabeth is happier than I've ever seen her, Kathryn, thanks to you. It's been only three days but she's already so attached, as if Sarah never happened."

He had taken Elizabeth away from Sarah who had remained on Dorvan still hoping that he'd validate their partnership. Sarah whom Seven, after just one meeting with her, called an unworthy mother.

Elizabeth had been brought in again to see Kathryn and the child had been talkative, and kept to touching Kathryn mostly. She had wormed in under the blankets and snuggled up to her mother and then the two of them looked at him.

"Papa, we are going to live in In-Indi-ana…"

Her face had been animated and Kathryn's bore an air of nervous expectancy. He had given a sigh. Kathryn was still overwhelmed by the news that Elizabeth was to stay as her daughter, to be registered with the name Janeway. It had been her most heartfelt desire to see Elizabeth and, according to Seven of Nine, had kept murmuring Elizabeth's name in her delirium.

Now he was the one who desperately wanted to be part of the package, only if Kathryn said so. He had come to bring the child to her, then leave again.

"Can I come with?" he asked, keeping his eyes on Kathryn.

"Of course," Kathryn had replied, but her voice had been soft, a question in them. He had taken her hand in his and squeezed it reassuringly. He would remain with them as a guest on the farm and then leave for Dorvan V. There was no question about it: Elizabeth belonged with her mother.

Now, the child was with her grandparents again who had delighted in taking her visiting the shopping districts in Louisiana.

"Velocity," he told her softly, "was the start of a very good friendship."

"It was. You made me forget my woes, many times. I began to sleep more peacefully, had fewer nightmares…"

"The doctor," he said, knowing how sensitive the issue was, "he didn't ask you again about it?"

"No. I…became paranoid about that aspect of my history, you must understand…"

He couldn't keep his eyes off her. Her hand rested in his, and this time she was supported by a mound of pillows. Her hair was no longer so listless and matted against her skin, and even the alabaster translucence was less pronounced. With his free hand he smoothed her hair from her face. Her breathing was no longer so ragged, so pained, such an industry just to get in air. Then he brought her hand up and kissed the back of it. He couldn't help it. He was losing himself in this woman, again and again.

"But it impacted on what happened years later…"

"I was not a very good model for pending motherhood."

"You were afraid."

"Of wanting you and not wanting you..."

Kathryn smiled wanly. He knew what she was thinking. The night they made love. Everything had been so wrong that night, not at all the right circumstances for passion to flare.

But it had. His hand tightened around Kathryn's fingers and the years rolled away to the beginning of their seventh year in the Delta Quadrant, to that night they'd made love…

****  
On Voyager - 

He entered her cabin after he heard her soft "enter" and was instantly cast in darkness. It reminded him of too many times she had hugged herself in this gloom. He knew her intimately, if being very close friends could merit such a knowledge of another person. Always attentive to the changes of mood in her, he had readily attuned himself to measure that mood or to offer her what comfort he could.

Most times it had just been his presence she needed. Now, her silhouette appeared aloof, yet he sensed her agitation, the nervous energy with which she twirled the glass in her hand. Something had disturbed her hard won equilibrium after their last encounter with yet another hostile race. Voyager had taken extensive damage and only now, after months, settled into normalcy again.

He sat down next to her, noticed the bottle of cognac on the coffee table, the tulip glass tilted towards her mouth.

"I don't think I've ever seen you drink cognac," he said as he touched her glass.

"Get a glass. Help yourself," she invited, not looking at him, staring into the golden liquid.

"I don't like – "

"It's once in a million years, Chakotay. You said yourself. Misery – "

"Loves company…"

"I don't do this all the time…"

"I know. It's so out of character for Kathryn Janeway, right?"

"Chakotay, how well do you know me?"

"Well enough to know my best friend is hurting at this moment. What's up, Kathryn?"

He couldn't see her face clearly, and damned it that she remained in darkness.

"Nothing."

Her voice was slurring. The contents of the bottle was a third of the way through. He took the tulip flute from her, a move that was met with some resistance.

"Come on, Kathryn, that's enough, don't you think?" he asked, bending down to retrieve the PADD he only now saw, lying halfway under the couch. "Are you going to tell me?" He handed the PADD to her.

There was a long silence, but one in which Kathryn threw the PADD down next to her, placed the glass on the table then sat back, resting her head against him. Sighing, he put his hand around her and pulled her closer.

"I got Mark's latest communication…"

Mark got married. She had been overwrought at the time they received the first messages from home. He wrote intermittently, mainly to inform her of new developments.

"I guess what he said is the reason for…this?" He pointed to the cognac.

"They have another child…" It was said so softly that he strained to hear her words.

"Their third."

"Make love to me, Chakotay," Kathryn breathed against his neck, her arms going round him. He felt the old, old passion rise in him, his deep affection that had long crossed the barriers of friendship.

"Kathryn…"

But she clung to him, refusing to let go. His resolve was breaking, he knew, but Kathryn wasn't rational.

"I am rational, Chakotay," she murmured against his mouth, and he realised that he must have voiced his concern. "Feel me…"

He grabbed her hands that were beginning to roam over his body, held her away from him.

"Listen to me, Kathryn. You're upset. You're hurting, but this is not a way do deal with it, please…"

"Do you love me?" she asked suddenly.

"I love you, yes. But I can't – "

"Make love to me?"

"You're intoxicated."

"I know what I feel," she said, breaking loose, throwing herself against him. "Please, I ask this once only, Chakotay. Make me a woman, make me feel, want me…"

"You will regret this in the morning," he whispered as he succumbed to her softness, the smell of her hair that he had wanted to run his fingers through for so long.

She raised her face to him, her eyes wild with desire, the heat of the wine gone. She gave a sob.

"I don't want to be lonely tonight, Chakotay."

With a soft cry he lifted her in his arms and through the darkened lounge found his way to her bedroom.   
Kathryn was soft and pliant and almost too untrained, he thought with wonder as he began to remove her clothes slowly, giving her time to stop, to tell him she didn't want it. But Kathryn had been equally industrious as she helped him out of his, tugging impatiently. He felt the deep groans starting from the pit of his stomach, reaching his throat. Kathryn was heated, passionate and when she lay naked, pulled him over her. He thought he saw a tear roll down her cheek as she welcomed him.

It had been mind-blowing for him. For Kathryn? He had time to wonder during their lovemaking what her life with Mark had been like, for she had been struck with shyness at first, her eyes glowing suddenly in the wonder of the orgasm that ripped through her. He couldn't help thinking that she had been surprised by the force and passion of her reaction. Had she never before had an orgasm? Once she had broken through her own reserve she had been unstoppable, wonderfully responsive, loving him with total abandon.

Yes, she had been generous, so generous in her loving and all thoughts that he didn't want to take her because she was inebriated, fled because her eyes were open most of the time, her gaze on him as he began to love her. He had been overwhelmed, too dazed with passion and when he reached the point where he thought he'd die, cried out his love for her.

Afterwards, he thought it was what he heard her cry out too. He had remained with her the rest of the night, enfolding her in his arms, kissing away her tears, waiting 'til she drifted into sleep. They woke up once during the night and this time, it was he who initiated their lovemaking, because he couldn't get her out of his mind and heart and the stupendous explosion they experienced. He wanted to taste her again, wanted her softness and heat and love. They kissed, deeply, for now he knew Kathryn was sober and that when they exploded and crashed over the edge, it was because she wanted it as much as he wanted it.

Sober? They had been drunk with passion.

When he woke up in the early hours of the morning, he kissed Kathryn again softly, not waking her. Then he dressed quickly and left her quarters.

After that he couldn't stop thinking about how there were no more barriers between them.

******

"Chakotay…Chakotay…"

He frowned heavily. Who called? Kathryn?

He opened his eyes, embarrassed when he found Kathryn watching him. But there was no teasing in her smile. Instead, it was a sad smile.

"You were gone there, Chakotay…"

"The night we made love," he said, pulling himself back from the memories of that night.

"I know. I wanted you, you know. I want you to know now, I always wanted you, wanted to wake up in the morning feeling your body close to mine."

Then he watched as her face creased with great pain.

"Kathryn, what is it?"

"I must tell you my story, so that you understand why I let my baby go."

He pulled her into his arms, stroked her hair gently.

"Whenever you're ready, Kathryn. Only whenever you're ready…"  
******** 

END CHAPTER FIVE


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for this chapter - extreme trauma.

* * *

**Voyager   - Delta Quadrant**

 

"You're pregnant, Captain," the doctor said as he snapped the scanner into the tricorder and closed it. 

Blood drained from her face.

 "I can't be. It's not possible. I'm – "

 "I'm sorry, but the scans don't lie. A girl…"

 Her heart felt like it would burst from her ribcage. It couldn't be true. They messed her up. They messed her up so badly she could not have any children. Then they screwed up her mind to hate whatever formed inside her.

 "They messed me up, Doctor. I can't have this baby, you understand? There's not supposed to be a pregnancy."

 She looked away from the doctor, tried to force the history of her life from her brain and hack it into pieces like they hacked her insides. But the horror persisted - faces of doctors who hovered over her, spread wide, naked, for their perusal and impersonal probing of rough fingers.

 "Then you have to tell me about your medical records that are classified – "

"No!"

"There's no doubt about it, Captain. You're carrying a baby girl. You have only one uterine tube and one ovary, so pregnancy might be a little more difficult, I grant. But you are carrying. Here, on the screen – heartbeat, already eight weeks – "

"What?"

"Eight weeks."

"Terminate it, Doctor. Right now."

"What?"

"Just what I said. It's impossible for me to be carrying anything now. I can't go through this. We're in hostile space again, under attack. I have to be on duty every hour. Every hour!"

"Captain, you're not rational right now – "

"Then tell me how I can be pregnant when I believed – "

"As I told you six years ago, Captain, there were signs that you have been pregnant before. At least five times. Did you carry them to term? Where are the children?"

His words blinded her. She wanted to strike him, then realised it would have no physical effect.

Another blinding flash. Ten blinding flashes. A thousand blinding flashes.

A large room… Laboratory for Testing Interspecies Union.

Laboratory.

Cardassian doctors hovering. The last few days they made her listen and watch as they tortured Captain Paris, to get her to comply.

She was an ensign, never been touched. Now, she lay naked on a table, her legs spread. Probes had already been inserted into her womb and all activity seen on a large screen. She could see the ova.

Their voices…

_She is ovulating, Brogd. One egg only this time. She is ready for fertilisation…_

A soldier stood ready.

_Koleg, I see you are erect…  Mount her. We shall monitor the journey of your semen._

She screamed that first time at the forced, emotionless entry, the extreme pain, the rocking, the grunting as the soldier moved above her, the way the two doctors kept their eyes on the screen. The soldier ejaculated. In a crazed haze she saw the semen move towards her egg.

Shock out of her wits, she was unable to cry. The soldier pulled out of her and left.

Then a doctor came, wiped her with a damp cloth. Her legs were caught in restraints, spread as wide as possible on the bed. It was impossible to fight, humiliation gone in the face of pain. He injected her, pushing the syringe deep into her passage, so far that part of his hand forced its way in. The pain blinded; she screamed, almost lost consciousness, the doctor's voice floating to her.

_I have accelerated the production of  the ovaries again, Brogd. The left ovary should produce more ova within the next two hours. Please monitor the subject for this period…_

They left her, lying naked on the bed. She was exhausted, fell into a restless slumber until she was awakened by the movement of a penis in her. A Cardassian soldier's face contorted as he worked furiously, his long nails scored deep furrows over her breasts. She never looked at him, but screamed when his teeth bit into her breast. Then he ejaculated with a high scream.

The doctors watched the screen. Her mind whirled as she followed their eyes, saw with horror that there were at least seven ova, all being fertilised. When the soldier pulled out of her, he grunted, then walked away.

_"No more of this please… no more…" she pleaded._

But they kept coming. They scraped her, damaged her, removed one tube when that became damaged beyond repair, removed one ovary and transplanted it in another woman – Cardassian - , an experiment that was aborted because the ovary was rejected. They produced multiple ova and impregnated her, removed the fertilised ova, transplanted in other Cardassian women. Their bodies rejected her ova. No Cardassian-human hybrids manufactured in the laboratory. So they kept experimenting.

Sometimes they took the soldiers away and simply injected her with their semen. Kept her ovulating to produce more and more ova. The hours she was released she cowered in the corner of her cell, left naked and bleeding, her torn skin and breasts only tended to the next day in the laboratory before they started experimenting again.

Finally, complete breakdown of her system. Again brought in soldiers. Thrice allowed one fertilised egg to latch to the uterus, waiting four weeks until she could see the heartbeat on the monitors. She willed herself not to look. Cardassian soldiers impregnated her to make a baby, first time a boy, second time a girl, third time a boy, fourth time, fifth time, sixth time… to see…

_Take it out! Take it out!_

Spontaneous expulsion of fertilised egg.

Scrape uterine wall, repeat procedure. Remove uterine tube.

Fingers probing, digging deep, insert new probes, find undamaged areas of uterine wall.

No more humiliation. Remain detached. They're not my babies. Not my babies…not my babies…

Doctors hover over her.

_You are an anomaly, Janeway. You reject all foetuses._

I am dead, Cardassian bastard. You have killed me.

_We have here the semen of Captain Paris. Inject her._

_No…no…no…no… \\!!!_

Two weeks later foetus aborted. Scraped clean.

Explosions heard from far.

"Captain! Captain Janeway!"

She was lying on the biobed, mercifully in the light after the prison darkness, the Cardassian faces, the soldiers, the experiments.

"Doctor…?"

"How long were you in the prison, Captain?"

No more humiliation, Janeway. Answer the doctor. Voice low, hollow, emotionless.

"Seven months…"

"You were rescued, eventually."

"Yes. The man who became my fiancé. Justin Tighe. Died with my father on Tau Ceti Prime."

"Your menstrual cycle has been erratic since then."

"Yes. One ovary left."

She was beyond any tears. Those had been shed many years ago. Many years. The trauma remained. Counselling didn't help. She remained in the darkness. Slowly, her body refused to listen to her brain anymore and it healed, became supple again.

No man touched her again after that.

Not even Justin.

Everyone wondered about Justin.

Mark was good to her. She went through the motions of the act of sex. He didn't mind. Or, he never noticed. Soldiers had come and lain on her with the sole purpose of impregnating her. No feelings, no repercussions for them, no result. She had built up a revulsion against anything in her womb, or what was left of it.  They allowed her no time to have feelings about being pregnant, carrying multiples, scraping them away without any thought.

_What about me?  What about me?_

"Captain, I cannot tell you how sorry I am. Forgive me. I understand how this had to be removed from your medical records."

"I cannot carry this foetus, Doctor."

"Commander Chakotay – "

"Need not know."

"I beg to differ."

"Haven't you understood a word I just said?"

"You must rethink this, Captain."

"We are at war with the M'rath, Doctor. This must be terminated."

"Captain, I have examined you. Perhaps upon fuller – "

"Doctor, I can't carry anything, you understand?"

"Think about it."

"I have."

"You should tell Commander Chakotay. Perhaps I should inform him of your medical - "

"Upon your oath, Doctor. If you say anything, I'll put Tom Paris on permanent sickbay duty."

She saw how grave he was. What she and Chakotay shared… It was an aberration. It was stupendous, hardly what she had been ready to expect. She had always been…cold… Then, she wasn't supposed to get pregnant. Always, what had been done to her, allowed a mental block against such a thing, such a responsibility, and then the extreme fear that…

"Give it just one day then, Captain."

"I will. Tomorrow, I will be here, Doctor, and I will instruct you to terminate."

She strode out the sickbay, ignoring the doctor's outraged exclamation.

************ 

END CHAPTER SIX


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

Already the queasiness had taken hold of her. Her eyes were on the main viewscreen, the face of the M'rath filling it ominously.

"On condition that you leave this area of space on the instant, Voyager," the M'rath barked. "You have one hour."

"That is all we need. We'll be on our way."

She shrugged as she indicated Harry cut visual and the screen showed again the debris of the skirmish with three M'rath vessels. They were outnumbered and outgunned. Turning tail would be the best in the circumstances.

She turned to Tuvok.

"Commander, you're in charge of damage control."

Tuvok nodded and as he left, Rollins was already on hand to take his place at Tuvok's station.

She didn't want to look at Chakotay. Their conversation in the sickbay still rankled. He had been harsh and she had cursed the doctor for informing him of her condition and her plans to terminate her pregnancy. Her body was changing. It was as if she could feel the foetus breathing, struggling for breath, wanting to get out.

She had almost lost it in sickbay when Chakotay challenged her.

And the doctor stood by, ready to eject both of them out an airlock. She had felt the bulkheads in sickbay closing in on her, making her light-headed with fear and hysteria. She never slept, had been on duty 'til well after midnight. And then this morning, when she entered sickbay, Chakotay was there…

*

"We're pregnant," he said. There was a gleam in his eyes, a hesitant joy that waited for her reaction before springing into fullness or despair.

"I am pregnant, Chakotay."

She saw the despair replacing the hesitant joy, the cloud settling in his eyes. She didn't care. It was her baby, her decision.

"Doctor tells me you want to consider termination, Kathryn. It's my child too."

"Correction, Chakotay. I have already decided to terminate."

What did he know?

"I want our baby. It's a living part of us."

"What happened was not supposed to happen, Commander."

"What, the sex or the pregnancy?"

She blanched. They had sex? Didn't they make love? Twice that night? Wasn't it the most liberating experience she had had? She had always been unresponsive and with Mark, she had been at her best faking for his sake. Mark was so sweet, so gullible, so unbelievably kind and unquestioning. But Chakotay delivered her that night from the chains of her torture at the hands of the Cardassians. Even now, the little she shared with the EMH was still too hard, too traumatic to tell Chakotay.

She was losing the baby anyway, so what difference did it make? She wasn't going to carry past four or five months. The last time a Cardassian soldier impregnated her, the foetus remained a full three months. Back on the Al Batani she had been hysterical after her ordeal and when she miscarried, she didn't know if she should cry or laugh. The Al Batani's doctor had been sworn to confidentiality. But he told her that she would always miscarry in the unlikely event of falling pregnant again. The Cardassian butchers had seen to that. She had wanted to expel any foreign body mixed with her ova out of her womb, never to see it, never to think about it. Her obsession had been all consuming. She had suppressed her trauma for years, became an upstanding captain in Starfleet, one of the youngest females to command a vessel. No one knew.

Now the Cardassian butchers, their scientists and their rutting soldiers had come back with a vengeance. Her body recoiled instinctively, horribly. It had rejected Owen Paris's sperm then. It was going to reject Chakotay. More than that, her reason was fleeing in the face of her fear and the raw hatred she had for what happened so long ago. Chakotay's face became a Cardassian's face and the EMH became a Cardassian butcher. She couldn't see clearly past them. Calm, utterly precise and calculating butchers who carved her insides.

"Kathryn…?"

"No way, Chakotay. Doctor, I'm ready for termination. I can't keep this baby. I told you yesterday. We're at war. I cannot be distracted."

"My God, Kathryn, you're letting a skirmish with hostile warmongering aliens come in the way of the most beautiful thing that can happen to a woman!"

"It is not the right time, Commander," she bit back, seeing his anger rise in the way his eyes flashed, the joy and despair gone. Her stomach was heaving. There wasn't much time. Her foetus was flawed. She didn't want it.

"Not the right time? What about the baby? Doesn't it deserve to live? Don't I have a say?"

"Captain, Commander, perhaps a better locale than the sickbay to war over your baby?"

"I'm not leaving here until you have performed the procedure, Doctor."

They heard the doctor sigh.

"Fine. You go ahead and kill that baby."

"It's a foetus. It's mine, and my decision."

"What about my rights? What about the baby?"

"I have sovereign power over it, to make any decision over its fate, and that includes termination."

"So help me God, Kathryn. You want to kill your own child?"

"If that is the way you're seeing it."

"Captain Janeway imbued with Federation ethics, of the preservation of life before all else."

"You don't understand, Commander. I am going to mis - "

"Then make me understand, Captain," Chakotay cut in, "how can you stand there and calmly tell the father of your child you have sole right over her destiny? That you can kill it in the blink of an eye? Obliterate it from your existence because it's an inconvenience to you?"

"I - "

She hated that he referred to the foetus as a baby. In the laboratory the butchers constantly talked of embryos and foetus. She didn't want to give it identity. She didn't want to think of baby girl or baby boy. She didn't want to think.

Then Chakotay threw her with his next salvo even before she could explain.

"Or, Captain, dare I say that killing your child is entirely in character for you?"

"Oh, my God, Chakotay," she said, deeply distressed by his accusation. "You know that isn't true..."

He was angry. His hands had long balled into fists. He looked like he wanted to strike her. The EMH stepped between them, pushing them apart.

"Please, officers! Captain, perhaps you should tell - "

"Doctor, not a word," she hissed.

"Just like you went after Ransom, right, Captain?" Chakotay sneered. "It didn't matter that he did what he did to ensure his crew's survival, you were going to kill him - "

"Chakotay, please…"

"And Noah Lessing would have been dead, remember? Didn't you almost kill him too? How many times did you cross the line?"

"Don't - "

"Let's go further back, now that we're on the topic of sovereign power. You thought nothing of killing Tuvix just so you could get Tuvok and Neelix back, never mind that Tuvix begged for his life, Captain. Yes, he begged for his life! A living, breathing, fully functional member of the crew, and you terminated his existence. So in charact - "

"That is not fair, Commander!"

"Commander!" the EMH exclaimed as he pushed Chakotay away from her, "you are upsetting the Captain."

"She's about to terminate my daughter. What do you think I should do? Let her go ahead and cross the line again?"

"You haven't considered other options."

She wanted to flee the sickbay. She didn't want to look at Chakotay again. He hit her hard. She was the captain. It was her task, however unenviable it was, to make decisions that would serve her crew best. However much it pained her to make those decisions, she had to make them to get her ship to Earth. Their goal was getting home. Her goal was to lead them home.

Blinded by tears, she stared at him.

"I am the captain of this vessel. I am the captain… I don't have the luxury of leaving major decisions to anyone else."

"Then let me help you decide for this life, Captain."

"I will abort, Chakotay. It's my decision."

"There are other options, Captain."

"I'm not listening to you - "

She turned and would have fled the sickbay had Chakotay not pulled her roughly back, forcing her to face him and face his wrath.

"I'm pleading here for the survival of an unborn baby. You cannot fault me on that, Kathryn."

"We can find a crewmember willing to surrogate, Captain," the EMH said, his voice coming through the haze of her near hysteria.

"What...?"

"Yes," Chakotay agreed, "a surrogate. That way you won't disfigure your precious body. It won't be a captain's inconvenience."

"That is not why I would consider it, Chakotay."

"Fine, I've got some reaction from you at least. Please, Kathryn, give me a few days. I'll find someone to carry your baby for you. But don't kill her. Don't kill this child..."

She stood rooted to the spot for several long minutes, unaware of the fact that the doctor had moved away and returned with a hypospray.

"Just something to relax you, Captain."

"No!" She recoiled instantly at the sight of the hypospray. Kathryn strode quickly to the doors, leaving the two men behind, hearing their exclamation of outrage.

 

*************   
END CHAPTER SEVEN


	8. Chapter 8

She lay on the biobed with her eyes closed. On the other bed lay Ensign Sarah Hargreaves, a serious, retiring young woman who had mostly been blending into the bulkheads of Voyager. She had no parents, and had very few family members living on Earth. According to Chakotay she was the perfect candidate and had told him that it was an honour to be performing such an exalted service for them. Sarah had been almost shy when she spoke, but her eyes shone and her smile was an extension of her general disposition of friendliness.

Kathryn was tired. The procedure had taken longer than expected but the EMH had assured her that Sarah's blood type and general physiology was suited and that Chakotay had virtually hand-picked her after seven females on board had declared their willingness to surrogate.

Kathryn had had very few dealings with Sarah Hargreaves on Voyager. It was Chakotay who knew every crewman better than she did, since he was responsible for their duty rosters. He dealt with general complaints while the more serious transgressions were the duty of the captain.

She sighed heavily. Sarah was sleeping peacefully now, with the foetus now safely in her womb. It hadn't been such a difficult decision to make after all as she thought back on the events a week ago in sickbay.

She had rushed out and returned to her quarters, completely out of breath when she sat down on her bed, clutching her stomach.

What did they know? What did Chakotay know? She hadn't been able to feel anything since the doctor confirmed her pregnancy. Mostly beset by rising hysteria and the obsessive need to eject her foetus, she hadn't given herself time to think of alternatives. She had never considered alternatives other than termination of pregnancy. She hadn't wanted to think of things like 'baby' and 'baby girl' for she knew the moment she succumbed to the wonder of birth, she would be lost, no matter how terrible her ordeal had been at the hands of the Cardassians. After their night of love, she had never given pregnancy a thought because she had been convinced it would never happen.

Now, looking at Sarah Hargreaves sleeping with the baby of the captain in her womb, she knew she was losing the battle of detachment and sensing the wonder of having Chakotay's child.

She was lost.

She knew that she would lose the child by the fourth month, that her uterus had been so scraped and messed up that the only thing the ship's doctor on the Al Batani could reassure her of at the time was that she was healthy, her womb would heal, but only just. She had been distraught learning of her fate and had always since then, forcefully suppressed any thoughts of having children even though, as a young woman it had been her desire.

The Cardassians had transplanted so many of her fertilised ova into Cardassian women soldiers, experiments which failed time and time again. She had touched her stomach, had tried to imagine the baby growing in her, and couldn't find any connection.

Chakotay's suggestion had given her hope. She couldn't tell him of her torture at the hands of Cardassians; she couldn't tell him of the deliberate impregnation by the soldiers; she couldn't tell him how utterly afraid she was of bearing a child.

Half an hour later Chakotay had entered her quarters.

"It's my only hope, Kathryn. For me, for you, for the baby..."  
She had never given it any thought and even now it was impossible to think that surrogacy could be an answer.

"Yes..."

"You agree then? We could have our baby?"

She had given a sigh.

"I don't know about me, Chakotay. But yes, I will agree that someone can carry the baby. Give me time, okay?"

"Thank you."

He had left her quarters, hope flaring in his eyes. She hadn't been sure of anything then.

Now, she was ready to get up an go, perform her duties as captain of Voyager, concentrate on getting her crew home. Her body was rid of the baby which was now in the new mother. She felt better than she had in weeks.

Who knew, perhaps she could bond in absentia after all.

In absentia?

Then why did she feel as if something momentous was happening to her? Why did she keep looking to the ensign on the other bed, not really seeing her but seeing herself in the fullness of child? Why did she feel as if the baby had never gone from her, but was staking her claim where she thought no man, woman or child would ever penetrate deeply enough to make her care so much that her world began to spin right off its axis?

Her heart started fluttering all of a sudden at the prospect of rosy cheeks and lips, eyes like Chakotay's... Her heart raced at the thought of tiny baby hands and feet, a smile that could light up the Delta Quadrant, the first baby teeth, the first steps, first words...

"Captain?"

She opened her eyes, realising she had been daydreaming, taken a fanciful journey to motherhood and parenting, looking up in the doctor's concerned face..

"Yes, Doctor?"

"How are you feeling?"

There was a long pause, one in which she stole a glance at the other bed, pondering on the magnitude of her decision.

"Empty..."

"That feeling will persist for a while, Captain. Remember, Ensign Hargreaves is only surrogating. When the time comes, you will be prepared for breastfeeding."

She hadn't thought of that but the idea of breastfeeding her baby suddenly became instantly desirable.

"Thank you, Doctor. I will thank Ensign Hargreaves again later, as well as Commander Chakotay."

She was able to get up and start work immediately, but the doctor took her off duty for one more day. 

It was a good decision. It gave her time to ponder more over what had happened, what course of action to take, preparations to make.

********** 

"Enter."

Seven of Nine stepped into the ready room, paused only a second before striding purposefully towards her desk.

"What can I do for you, Seven of Nine?"

"Grant me a hearing, I trust, Captain."

She indicated that Seven sit down in the chair on the other side of her desk. The former Borg looked impassive, but Kathryn sensed something about her demeanour that broke through the reserve.

"You are troubled, Seven?"

"I do not think that Ensign Hargreaves was the right individual to carry your infant."

"It's too late now. The procedure has been completed three days ago."

"Captain, how well do you know Ensign Hargreaves?"

"Not as well as I would have liked. I confer mostly with my senior staff. Commander Chakotay deals with all other crew matters. Is there anything I should know about Ensign Hargreaves? She is very friendly. She was very honoured to help me…"

"She has developed an obsession for Commander Chakotay."

"Now?"

The statement left her surprised that in a short time Hargreaves could be harbouring certain sentiments towards Chakotay just because she had been so generous in offering to carry their baby.

"Since I came on board."

"Are you sure?"

Chakotay couldn't possibly share those feelings, Kathryn knew. The night they made love, she had not been that intoxicated not to hear his passionate proclamations of love for her. He loved her, even though it was the last thing they could explore at this point in time. She knew how she felt; it had remained suppressed for so long that her wish to validate those feelings remained vague, at best. It was something for the Janeway backburner, to be pondered upon when they returned home, or after the child was born. But not now.

"She is in love with him, Captain."

"And you think," she said, unable to keep herself from smiling, "that it could affect Sarah Hargreaves or my baby in some way?"

"Perhaps that is the reason why she has agreed. Apart from the fact that she was suitable. Three other crewmembers were also found to be suitable for carrying your baby."

"Seven," she said on a sigh, "Commander Chakotay demanded he choose the surrogate."

"More's the pity."

"Seven, what is the matter?"

"Her…adoration borders on the unpredictable… I do not trust Ensign Hargreaves."

"You don't, but I have little option. I decided to terminate my pregnancy in the first place. A decision that doesn't seem to have gone down well with the crew."

"Most of the women," Seven responded tersely. "They feel - "

"Seven of Nine, are you my ear on this ship?"

"I have been privileged to receive counselling, nurturing, care, compassion from you, Captain, which few have had the honour to receive. The others see only what they want to see. And that is - "

"A woman has the natural-born instinct to be a mother?"

"Few women make that choice not to bear children. That is their right and it cannot be disrespected. . What you have decided does not necessarily disqualify you."

"But stones will always be thrown, Annika Hansen. Remember that. There will always be criticism, no matter how well-meaning your actions are."

"I understand. But Captain, I still do not trust Sarah Hargreaves. Her obsession with Commander Chakotay could impact on the pregnancy in a negative way."

"The doctor assured me that she is in no danger, if that's what you mean."

"I have observed her the past three days, Captain. I know that you have not seen her the last two. She is boasting to all willing to listen to her that she is the Commander's special choice and that she has big plans after the birth of the baby."

"Perhaps, Seven, you're seeing things that aren't there. Ensign Hargreaves told us how proud she was of the honour of carrying our child. She is proud. I will remain in constant contact with her to monitor the development of – of my baby…"

Seven rose abruptly. Her eyes had a sheen in them, as if she were struck by some foreboding, a presentiment that Kathryn knew wouldn't leave her until she had let it come to pass. Whatever that was.

"That will be all. Thank you, Seven."

"Captain – "

"Dismissed."

***************** 

"I chose her because she was the best candidate," Chakotay said, his stance challenging.

She hadn't been able to dismiss Seven's assertions after all. She had visited Ensign Hargreaves last night and the young woman had been cheerful, saying she was ready for the task and asking whether it was too early to start 'getting' things for the baby.

"I need assurance that – "

"Kathryn, you weren't interested in carrying your own child in the first place. Why the sudden interest in the qualifications of Sarah?"

"You're defending her."

"Of course. Look, Kathryn, I want this baby. I want her very much and I'm hoping that you will come to love her too. I know I've been harsh, and I apologise. But don't you see? When the baby is born, everything will change. I'm sure of that. I – "

"What, Chakotay?"

Her ready room was suddenly too small. She was suffocating. Was she jealous? Jealous?

"You don't have to worry that my feelings for you will change, okay?"

His eyes bore into hers, the fight gone and all that was left was a fight of another kind, she sensed. Her heart soared again. He still wanted her. She gave a sigh of relief.

"Thank you…" she whispered.

He came forward, touched her shoulder to draw her into his embrace.

"We'll get through this. Once a month has passed, you will want to room with Sarah every night just to monitor our baby's growth yourself, just you see…"

He left the room.

That night she slept better than she had in a while. She dreamed of the baby, of Chakotay, of Sarah carrying their child.

She dreamed of Seven's premonition.

**************************** 

 

END CHAPTER EIGHT


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When cruelty can increase ten-fold.

 

 

* * *

It was two weeks later. She was on the point of getting ready for bed after a particularly harrowing day in which the ship had again sustained critical damage, and a myriad of other problems she and Chakotay had dealt with. Negotiations with the ministry of an M-Class planet for much needed provisions and mining possibilities were being thwarted at every conference she's had with them during the past few days, not least by the fact that they were the aggressors in an armed struggle with a neighbouring world, one which had turned down their request for trading in the first place. 

She was bone tired and had felt guilty during her solitary meal that she hadn't given the baby any thought. They were now in their third month and Sarah was experiencing the queasiness Kathryn had in the first weeks.

Yet, Annika Hansen's words wouldn't leave her. Chakotay had admitted that Sarah was attracted to him, something he discovered during a crew duty exchange programme and he had worked with her in hydroponics. It wasn't why he decided on her as their surrogate, he said, insisting and confirming the doctor's own findings that the exobiologist was the best person to carry their child to full term. Should Sarah experience any complications near term, the doctor would induce labour or at worst, transport the baby from her womb.

But that had been all. Chakotay had been remote without actually being unfriendly towards her and she had put it down to him being preoccupied with the baby. He loved her, that she knew, but her reactions to the pregnancy had put a blight on a possible relationship. He was still not completely convinced that she wanted her baby.

She had to convince him that she wanted her baby, wanted her very much. She dreamed of the day she would hold Elizabeth in her arms. She dreamed of cuddling baby, breastfeeding her, loving her. Oh, she wanted her child so badly!

Elizabeth.

She was going to call the baby that.  She wanted to honour Tom's mother, Elizabeth Paris, the doctor who had done so much in her recovery to humanity, to healing, to find a measure of peace after the Cardassian horrors.

Her door chimed.

"Enter."

The doors slid open and the visitor stepped inside. Already she was beginning to show a slight bulge.

"Sarah! Is anything the matter?"

She had been sitting on her couch but stood up to receive the young ensign. Light was at almost full illumination and Sarah's face was friendly. Her hands were at her sides, but it was the way Sarah flexed her fingers that caused Kathryn to frown. Something was up.

"Sarah, you can tell me..." she encouraged the young woman, moving to touch Sarah's shoulder.

The ensign stiffened almost imperceptibly. Kathryn felt a cold shiver moving down her spine.

"Captain," Sarah started in the same sweet, smiling voice, "I want you to leave Commander Chakotay alone. He belongs to me now."

"W-What? What are you saying?"

The shiver turned into a cold snake that slithered inside her, a contaminant that left only fear in its slimy wake. Kathryn's mind whirled.

"I love him," Sarah said, the sweetness suddenly very, very sticky. "Now the baby will tie us together forever. Commander Chakotay belongs to me and so does the baby. He wants me to be her mother, you know."

How did Kathryn not noticed it earlier? It was a sickly stickiness that raised ten flags of danger.The cold inside her persisted; Kathryn felt wild nausea rise. Something in her wanted to scream that Sarah was lying. The veneer of friendliness was gone. She knew how Chakotay felt about her and whatever happened, those feelings, sublimated, will still remain, even though he was so angry 

But the baby… _Surely the law is on my side?_

"You're carrying my baby, Sarah. I have nothing - "

"Don't come near him."

"We work together. I don't see how that can be achieved, if I am to listen to you, Sarah. You're unhinged..."

Kathryn thought instantly of Seven of Nine whose premonition was playing out before her in absolutely alarming reality.

"Oh no, I am not, Captain Janeway. I know he loves you, but very soon he will hate you. I now have the ammunition to keep you away forever. Your sweet little baby growing here…"

Sarah stroked her stomach, the smile still on her face, but her eyes - dull grey that complimented her light hair - were suddenly cold. Kathryn's coldness intensified and her heart pounded. What did the girl mean?

"My baby. How can she be ammunition?"

"I know Commander Chakotay will do anything in his power to gain full rights over the baby, and declare you an unfit mother. I know he will do anything for me because I carry his baby - "

"It's my baby, Sarah Hargreaves, whatever feelings I have towards it! Know this: I want my baby. She's my baby, for the love of God!"

"Now, see, Captain? Everything worked for me. This baby will be mine, once Commander Chakotay sees how evil you are. He's going to marry me. He does like me a lot, didn't he tell you? If you want the baby to live, you must tell Commander Chakotay you don't want him and you don't want the child."

"Sarah, for heaven's sake. I think you need to see the doctor. There's something wrong - "

She was about to tap her commbadge when Sarah's hand covered hers.

"Don't call the doctor. Don't call Commander Chakotay. Don't call or tell anyone on the ship, Captain Janeway."

"Are you threatening me?"

"No, merely making sure you will do as I tell you. You didn't want this baby, Captain, but I'm pretty certain you wouldn't want to see it dead, would you?"

 _Seven of Nine's terrible foreboding..._  

"You cannot want to do anything like that just because you're in love with Chakotay?"

"It's the way I see him turning more and more towards me so that we'll eventually marry. If you so much as purr into his ear, or think you can tell the doctor or the bitch Borg, I will abort this thing."

"Oh, my God!"  The sobs stalled in Kathryn's throat.

"Trust me. I want only one thing, Captain Janeway, and it's not this thing. You're going to give me Chakotay. I think you know how to do that, don't you?"

"You can have him. Take him! Just leave my baby alone!"

"Not that easy. I see the way he still looks at you. It's your job to make him hate you. This little thing will do nicely as a marker, don't you agree?"

The woman was no longer a woman, but a deranged hussy who masked her evil under the most engaging demeanour, sweet smiles, friendliness, and easygoing disposition, mostly shy to appear in large groups. Seven had been right. Sarah's obsession with Chakotay was going to impact on their baby.

And Chakotay didn't know.

He was unaware of Sarah's deceit.

Kathryn reached forward to grip Sarah's shoulder, implore her to see reason. But the sweet smile, the cold dull grey eyes remained, and the ensign quite coolly removed her hand as if she recoiled at Kathryn's touch.

"Please," Kathryn pleaded, "it is an innocent child. Don't harm my baby."

"For someone who didn't want this thing, you're suddenly possessive aren't you, Captain?"

"It's an innocent life!"

"Tell that to Noah Lessing and Tuvix and others you have killed, Janeway."

Kathryn was blind. Blinded by fear that the most terrible thing was happening to her, more terrifying and cataclysmic than her torture in a Cardassian laboratory. Her baby's life was threatened. If she tried to restrain Sarah now, it would reach Chakotay that she tried to kill the ensign…

"Sarah, in the name of heaven, you need help! Please, please let me take you to sickbay. We can – "

"Try anything, Captain, and I will abort this foetus. And know what? Everyone is going to blame you..."

"Sarah, for the love of God, it's an innocent baby!"

"Too late to remember that,  Janeway. Now, I'll see myself out."

Sarah turned and left the room quietly. A thunderous silence followed. A silence in which Kathryn's thoughts bounced about inside her head. A silence in which only Sarah's sickening threat echoed from all the bulkheads.

She clutched the sides of her head, then as the nausea rose up in her, she rushed to the bathroom, spilling even before she reached the toilet. There, bent over, she retched so painfully and so forcefully that she only pulled up when she saw specks of blood before her. Her teeth chattered. She felt deadly cold inside. She remained where she was, unable to get to her feet. She had to tell Chakotay…the EMH…someone… Her baby was going to die…

Seconds later her commbadge beeped. It beeped again. She tried to pull herself together.

"Janeway here."

"Captain Janeway," came Sarah's voice, "I hope you remember our arrangement."

She signed off instantly before Kathryn could reply. Her mouth felt bitter, the taste of bile sickening. She touched her neck, felt the dampness of perspiration. Another spell of uncontrollable retching followed. The darkness came and engulfed her, sweet darkness that mostly cloaked her with jealous intent. In a daze she realised she was lying on the hard floor of the bathroom, her head unable to move anymore, yet her stomach continuing to heave even after the retching had stopped. It smelled sour, bitter, unpleasant around her, realising vaguely she was lying in her own vomit.

For a moment she was back in the Cardassian prison, with doctors in white coats hovering about her, soldiers standing ready to service the subject. Their voices came from afar, from the depths of the past, through the tunnels of darkness and lunged at her with repulsive reality.

_We have not punished her body enough, Doctor..._

_Do not be perturbed. It is her mind that will be punished._

_Is this then my punishment? I have done nothing._

_Even when you are innocent, you are guilty._

Janeway closed her eyes, tried to will away the voices, the images, the treatment. Her lips moved, the lips which in the last half hour moved only with the violence of her vomiting.

"Please...please... Don't punish me. Not this way..."

****

Over the next few months Kathryn learned how crew affiliation could change in the blink of an eye. Before the baby she was the revered captain of Voyager, admired, often drawn into conversation with crew in the mess hall. Now, they avoided her, their eyes accusing. She had little doubt as to what Sarah Hargreaves was feeding them. They had not liked her decision to abort in the first place and it seemed as if everyone held that against her.

She played an intricate game with Sarah Hargreaves who wormed her way into the affections and sympathies of almost every crewmember.

It was a game in which Kathryn tried with desperation to save the life of her child.

For that was what their relationship had become. That was what was happening: her baby's life was in terrible danger. She couldn't tell Chakotay; she couldn't tell the doctor. That was how the game was played. Every move she made was countered by Sarah who would only mention something about Chakotay or their unborn child and she'd back off a little. Then she'd hear afterwards from Chakotay or one of the senior crew how badly Sarah felt that the Captain was paying so little attention to her as the surrogate and had no interest in the baby.

She wanted to tell Chakotay he was a fool to be blinded by a woman.

Then the old guilt surfaced. How could she tell him that? But the ensign, previously insignificant on Voyager, now the centre of attention, carrying the child made by her and Chakotay, and Chakotay, more over the moon about the baby than actually thinking about how strange Sarah's behaviour was.

"Captain, that is the third time this week I've treated you for severe headaches. Is the baby giving you sleepless nights?" the doctor asked as she sat up on the biobed.

"Are you finished?" she asked, knowing how terse she sounded. Terse and irritated. The doctor gave an impatient click of his tongue as she prepared to leave, the headache mercifully gone.

Only a year ago Chakotay would have been in her quarters, concerned for her health. She would have liked to see him again, to sink against his chest and just rest her head and not think of anything. Many, many nights she had done just that, and they'd be sitting in the semi-dark in utter silence, but a silence that soothed, that soaked into her weariness and charged her for the next days' work. Sometimes she'd find herself lying on her bed, realising that Chakotay must have carried her there after falling asleep in his arms. They had been good friends then. Great friends. She shook her head. The greatness of their friendship, the closeness they shared and enjoyed wasn't enough. It didn't stand against the likes of a lowly ensign on Voyager, bent crazy to get her man.

Now, Chakotay stayed away, mostly because of the baby, and their friendship was in tatters.

At six months pregnant, Sarah had made Kathryn go to hell thrice and back. The third time was the final straw. She backed off completely after that.

She had come off duty and had her solitary meal in her small alcove when Chakotay burst into her quarters. There had been no time to demand how he got her codes or wonder how he could override them. And he had been fuming.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Kathryn?" he demanded, standing close enough to her that she could see the flames of anger in his eyes, the flaring nostrils and the way he could just barely keep his fists to his side.

"I have no idea what you are referring to," she said, but once again, she knew with stomach-turning dread, that it had to do with their baby.

"Don't play the innocent with me. Sarah - "

"Is something the matter with her? The baby?"

"Her baby almost died."

She turned ice-cold.

"Chakotay, on a point of correction. It's not Sarah's baby."

"The last few months have been hell for her. You threatened her, threatened the child. What kind of woman are you?"

_Only someone desperately trying to save her baby._

"Chakotay, for heaven's sake, I've done nothing - "

"Nothing? Sarah is in sickbay. She has been poisoned, and so has the baby. Dammit, Kathryn, how far would you go to kill your own child?"

"I did nothing of the kind! I would never do anything to harm my baby!"

But she knew Sarah was carrying out her threat. This time, going too far. Before, it had been like a sword hanging over her, just the threats and the late night reminders of their arrangement. The first real threat made Kathryn hurrying to Sarah's quarters where the woman had stood ready with a hypospray to induce an abortion. Kathryn had grabbed the hypospray from her and seen too late the light of victory in Sarah's eyes. Of course her fingerprints were on the hypospray. Who would believe her? Kathryn had been frantic, imploring Sarah to be reasonable.

What had been her crime? Asking Chakotay, under pain of rejection, how the baby was doing. 

Sarah had not let her come anywhere near her. That alone should have convinced Chakotay. However, Sarah was as devious as she was pretty and sweet. All attempts were interpreted by the crew as attempts to injure Sarah, just so there wouldn't be a baby. Kathryn Janeway hated babies.

Now Chakotay's fury was too much to bear. A familiar queasiness in the pit of her stomach. She struggled to control her nausea. She had lain several times on her bathroom floor retching her guts out,  in a crazed stupor of fear because Sarah Hargreaves had once again threatened to kill the child. And her timing was impeccable. It put Janeway time after time in a worse light than before.

"How – how was she poisoned?"

"As if you didn't know! The replicator output of Sarah's morning nutrient has been tampered with, and it bears your signature."

"Impossible!"

"Tuvok has already determined it came from your quarters."

Kathryn shook her head, unable to digest fast enough what was happening. What had happened? Chakotay being in her quarters the previous night? Discussing crew duties and studying the weekly reports from all departments? Chakotay rubbing her shoulders that ached with tiredness that had seeped into her bones? Chakotay unable to tear himself away from her and pleading, once again, on behalf of their baby?

"You know, Chakotay, I already told you I won't be able to care for the little one once she's born. That's why I thought it better if - if I didn't feel the baby's kicking..."

"But Sarah won't mind. You're part of the process - "

She had given a tired sigh, remember the two occasions Sarah had threatened to abort the baby, remember Sarah's words "And believe me, I can and will do it..."

"I _was_ part of the process, Chakotay. My part in this is over."

But inside her heart bled. Inside, her mind screamed at the injustice being done to her. Inside, she heard Sarah's charming voice which so incongruously taunted her. Inside, she wanted to die, missing her baby so.

"Kathryn...you don't know what you're saying..."

"I have my duties, Commander," she said tiredly, "which precludes any of this. I have made up my mind."

"I don't want to let you go. But you know, the crew are talking. Of you. Your disinterest. Your heartless abandoning of your child. Is this what you want?"

_No, I made a mistake. I made an error of judgment. I want to lie down and die, but every moment you are like this with me, is further endangering my daughter's life... Instead, I have to play the heartless mother who has no interest in her child, who doesn't think twice of giving it away, and then when the surrogate shows her love for the commander, I can't show any reaction for fear that it will kill my baby._

He had joined the crew the first two times accusing her of trying to kill the unborn child in Sarah's womb. She couldn't strike back, she couldn't deny it, for Sarah would come up with another game in which Kathryn Janeway became once again the villain.

She conceded that her own hysterical denial and response to her pregnancy didn't help. Chakotay's equally frantic search for a surrogate drove the nail deeper in her coffin. From the outset she had been seen as a woman to whom pregnancy was an inconvenience, who didn't want the baby anyway. So why would it be any different when Sarah went complaining that Captain Janeway was in her quarters to suffocate her with a pillow?

But she couldn't tell him all of that.

That had been last night. It had been a poignant togetherness, one with aching memories of good times. Now he stood before her, and she had committed the final act of cruelty.

"It came from my quarters? Last night? Someone was here?"

"You were the only one here, Kathryn, after I had left."

How could she confirm or deny his accusation? She didn't want the baby anyway, did she?

She only wanted to touch and feel the baby move. See on the sickbay monitor the heartbeat of her Elizabeth. She regretted with painful bitterness her decision to abort, regretted her own reactions.

She had no excuse, had she? No Cardassian ever poked inside her womb or soldier rode her body to impregnate her, or her ova removed. None of that happened. She was to blame.

And so the guilt and the punishment had to be hers too.

"Chakotay, I can't deny it because I have no evidence...as yet. But I can assure you in all sincerity that I had no part in this."

"Come near her, Kathryn, and I will personally see you in hell. I will break you."

_Wrong, Commander. I have been to every known hell and back. I am there now._

"Leave now. You have said enough. Is - is the baby alright?"

"What do you care?"

"Dismissed."  

 

******

END CHAPTER NINE


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Support from unexpected quarters...

* * *

**Captain's Personal Log - Stardate : 550752**

I am in my own private hell. I regret so many things that all of them have coalesced into one swirling miasma of pain from which I am now convinced, I shall never ever be free. I have nothing to protect me. I have only my own ability as captain of Voyager to lead me, protected by four rank pips which shield me from the worst of the diatribes directed at me.

I say the worst, for only my uniform prevents anyone from crossing the line to the extent that Sarah Hargreaves has done. Still, what they are doing is more than enough to keep me in my hell with no one to support me or to comfort me.

Since the night after the poisoning, Chakotay has not spoken with me again about the baby, about the coming birth, about anything except work. For the baby's sake I have kept all our meetings in the ready room and even when we stayed late, never mentioned anything personal, made no reference to the child whom I have already come to know in my heart and mind as Elizabeth.

Most of the crew reports I am now doing myself in the privacy of my quarters which had been breached by none other than Sarah Hargreaves herself. I still run cold at the thought that she could carry out her threats so far and with so much cruelty. Did anyone know this young lady at all? I wonder.

 _Pause personal log_.

 

Kathryn sighed as she paused in her writing, a unable to shake off the feverishness of the last few weeks. She was spoiling for something, but going to the EMH was another mission in diplomacy of defending her actions.

Seven of Nine had knocked on her door two nights after the poison incident.

"Seven, what brings you here? You have a good two hours to regenerate…"

"It is imperative that I show you this."

She frowned as she took the PADD from Seven, indicating at the same time that the former Borg seat herself on the couch.

She read it through before she showed any reaction, simply looking up at Seven.

"You were always right. That first time when you came to my ready room… I couldn't change anything, you know. The procedure had already been completed."

"I know. I understand. I also understand that we inform Commander Tuvok of this."

"No!"

"Captain, with respect, the woman has herself been responsible for attempting to kill the infant. She was in here."

Kathryn sighed.

"Transported here in the early hours of the morning, no signature left. No residue of her DNA on my console."

"A clever move, Captain. But when you suspect someone from the start, every act, however innocent, becomes suspect. It took me two days to find this."

"Thank you, Seven. I knew someone – Sarah – must have had something to do with this, and believe me, I have been so vigilant. I am still vigilant she might try something just as drastic. We're almost eight months…"

"I do not think she'll try anything at this point, Captain, but I am still concerned. She has alienated you from your people."

"It's the price I must pay. I don't mind telling you this, Seven. I've been battling to stay one step ahead of her in case she tried anything. The poisoning was the last. But…" Kathryn sighed again. "It cost me."

"They see you as heartless. They do not know."

She nodded, glad that Seven of Nine was on her side, glad that there was someone who understood what was happening and who also understood that any move she made could cost the life of a child. She wanted her baby so much. So much! Now, at eight months, she had never touched Sarah, never felt the baby's kicking, never talked to anyone. She couldn't talk to anyone.

"Thank you, Seven. I shall keep this safe here."

"I am not the only one."

"What?"

"Who is on your side."

She gave a mirthless laugh. They have labelled her a witch. Voyager scuttlebutt saw to it that things came back to her. She was cold and heartless, giving away her child just like that. What mother would give away her baby? She didn't have any feelings, and never gave Sarah Hargreaves the time of day. Sarah who had been so sweet in inviting her to sleep in her quarters so she can room in with her and feel baby's movements.

She knew the talk. Even B'Elanna, also almost eight months pregnant, couldn't keep from condemning her actions. Tom… Tom always looked uncertain when B'Elanna went for the jugular.

Who could be on her side? The one person she longed to be by her side and be on her side deserted her, choosing to believe another person. She had become insulated in her own isolation, preferring most nights to brood in her quarters, liking the darkness more and more and more.

"I cannot imagine anyone being on my side. Tuvok is too dispassionate, too logical and would make any deductions based on that alone. His response would be that he concurred a misdemeanour had taken place. Since Captain Janeway had consistently denied the existence of her child, it follows naturally that – "

"Captain Janeway!"

Seven's strident voice rocked her up.

"I'm sorry. Forgive me. But at this point it no longer matters…"

"You will see them, Captain. Do not worry. They are there. They have not fallen for the woman's lies and deceit."

"That makes me feel so much better."

"Tomorrow night, Velocity?"

Annika Hansen was good for her frayed nerves.

"You're on!"

Kathryn gave a deep sigh as she thought of that conversation with Seven. She looked down at the PADD, her eyes hollow.

"Resume personal log."

I now have evidence that Sarah Hargreaves tampered with her replicator. An unauthorised site to site transport to my quarters had been discovered after Seven of Nine had investigated the incident. It would have gone undetected since blame had already been apportioned to the captain. Showing that to Tuvok or Chakotay would serve no purpose. Chakotay has already decided on his alliance and any way of trying to bring this to light would endanger my baby's chance of survival.

The crew have decided to have a baby shower for Sarah. I note with some regret and pain that they don't speak of "baby  shower for the Captain."  I heard that Chakotay has been spending a lot of time in Sarah's quarters, massaging her back and being a general support. They are very friendly, I've heard. They are seen together more often now in public. Sarah beams and Chakotay is the ever expectant father, his arms always around the ensign's shoulders.

It pains me but what can I do? The baby shower, not surprisingly, does not include the captain.

**End personal log.**

 

**************

In the privacy of her quarters she had been looking at the database at baby things. Pretty pink crawlers, sleepers with feet, tiny woollen caps and mitts, soft toys. Next to her lay the gold embossed leather-bound journal she had started soon after Sarah Hargreaves visited her quarters and demanded she leave Chakotay alone. 

Every few days an entry, even when she felt particularly harassed by Chakotay or Sarah or a member of the crew. She began to talk to her baby, outlining the circumstances of her birth, why she as a mother had been unable to carry her child beyond a few months, give birth to her. Then all the little things she thought a growing daughter might need and find comfort in when talking to her for real. Words of solace, words of caution, words of wisdom.

But mostly, words of love. The gold embossed words read:

_For Elizabeth_

_from Kathryn Janeway._

She caressed the book. It was quite thick, and only a third of the way full. One day, her daughter might read it, long after her mother had died.

The sudden attack of self-pity lasted only a second before she berated herself. Yet she felt weepy, brooding in the darkness. She had thought of drowning her sorrows in a bottle of cognac, but thought how Chakotay turned up that first time and all it left her was untold misery.

She shifted abruptly, got up and fled to her bedroom. On the bed lay Elizabeth's gift. She picked it up with great care and held the rosewood music box with its mother-of-pearl inlay of flowers to the light from the bed panel. On an impulse she lifted the lid. Instantly music began to play – an old nineteenth century Earth divertimento.

Kathryn closed her eyes. A scene in her ready room with Chakotay, only yesterday. Her words tentative, his...

"Chakotay, I know the crew are having a baby shower for - for the baby. Is it okay if I gave something?"

Her heart had been pounding. She was taking an almighty risk. But this time, she decided that she would risk all by transporting Sarah instantly to the sickbay and demand that the EMH deliver the baby should Sarah get suicidal again.

"It's no longer your child, Kathryn, but I'll have to ask B'Elanna and the others first. They're throwing the shower."

She felt how the colour left her.

_No longer your baby…_

"You want their permission? Chakotay, once a die-hard Maquis who took action first and no nonsense?"

"You know they don't like it, Kathryn. I'm only saving you further embarrassment and hurt."

She had risen from her chair, walked round the desk and had looked up in his face, her lips quivering, her eyes moist with need.

"Please...she's my little baby, Chakotay. Show me some mercy. I have never touched her, never felt her fluttering, her movement, seen her heartbeat - "

"Ask the doctor if you want to look at it."

She was the captain. She didn't have to ask the doctor. The times she had looked, he had been offline. It had been the only connection she ever had.

"I don't have to ask him, you know that. But please, just this one gift..."

"Listen to me, Kathryn Janeway. They don't want you there, get that? You have caused enough trouble."

"You don't even want what I want to give my baby?"

"I said – "

"Yes. I should remember that. It's not my baby anymore. But grant me this…please."

 "I don't think Sarah will accept anything from you."

"How can you be so heartless?"

"Don't preach to me about being heartless, Captain. You know what you've done is beyond heartless and indifference, beyond cruelty. It was unforgivable. Now you want to beg – "

"Stop it. Stop it, Chakotay, before I change my opinion of you forever. I counted on your goodness, your sense of fairness, your honour and your compassion. If I expected anything at all, it wasn't this…this total rejection of my request. Maybe I don't deserve your compassion; maybe I don't deserve your love, but couldn't you at least grant me just this one thing?"

He had the grace to blush, but his cheeks appeared more flamed with anger than anything else. He was never going to forgive her. He would never know the truth about Sarah Hargreaves. He would never understand that what he saw as her callousness and disinterest and murderous intent, was trying to save the life of their child. There was nothing she could do.

"Kathryn, there's nothing I can do. Nothing I want to do. I'm sorry. I can't see beyond what you've done to my daughter. I don't think I ever can…"

She had dropped away from him, returned to her position behind her desk, straightened her shoulders and refused to cave in.

"Fine. As you wish."

"Kathryn…"

"Dismissed, Commander."

"Oh, Kathryn..."

"Get out, Chakotay."

When the ready room door had closed behind him, she had collapsed into her chair and remained gasping for a long time until she became calm again. The rosewood music box was deep gloss with mother-of-pearl floral inlay on the lid and the sides. In contained compartments for jewellery and a ring holder. She had been five years old when her mother had given it to her. An old man living in Mexico had done the carving of the mother of pearl flowers and inlays and set its music. Later, when Phoebe turned five, Gretchen had given her a music box as well.

Chakotay and Sarah.

They had turned down her gift for Elizabeth.

*

Kathryn put the box away again and was about to prepare her dinner, knowing that the crew were busy in the observation lounge with the baby shower, when her door chimed. She hadn't expected anyone, and Seven of Nine was the only one who visited her in her quarters these days.

"Enter."

In the doorway stood Lieutenant Ayala. Kathryn frowned as he stepped forward and the doors closed behind him.

"Captain Janeway, I - I hope you don't mind - "

"Lieutenant Ayala, aren't you supposed to be at the baby shower?"

"I decided not to go. I came to bring you this," he replied, and only now she noticed that he had been standing hands behind his back, bringing forth a package.

"My birthday was in May. It's November, Lieutenant."

"Captain, please. If you don't take this now, I'm afraid I might lose courage and run out before you've taken it."

Kathryn took the package.

"And, it's for the baby."

She was still for a full three or four seconds. Her insides burned; a dam in her threatened to burst its walls.

"Wrong. You have come to the wrong place, Lieutenant."

"It's your baby, Captain. I don't care what the others say. About you."

She could have hugged Ayala for his loyalty. She sat down on the couch while Ayala remained standing. She fumbled to open the package, larger than she actually imagined. The wrapping fell away as she lifted the garment of softest white satin and lace. The wrapping fell to the floor, but she didn't notice it as she held the garment - lay it across her lap really.

"A - A christening robe?"

"My wife and I - we have two sons and we would very much have loved to have a baby girl."

Her eyes remained moist, burning with unshed tears.

"They won't let me see her."

"I know," he said on a sigh. "I don't agree with much of what they accuse you of. I am sure you had your reasons, Captain, which must be very, very good reasons and painful too. I respect them for I can see, as those of us who empathise with you can also see, that you would really want to be part of the process, which is being denied you. It is unfair."

Kathryn thought how she told Chakotay the very words. She shrugged, feeling helpless, then bent down to pick up the wrapping.

"Lieutenant, I don't think I will have the honour of dressing my child in this utterly exquisite garment. I have told Chakotay that he has full custody of the child - "

"I know. I don't care. You hold on to that, Captain. More gifts will be coming to you, even if you never have the opportunity to put it to use - "

"The thought that counts. This beautiful gift is a symbol of your loyalty to me and your understanding of my plight. There's more to this than meets the eye, Lieutenant."

 "I know that too. I'd like to kill someone, but then you'd have to lock me in the brig the rest of our journey home."

 Kathryn smiled for the first time. Ayala, Chakotay's friend, a Maquis like him, coming to her defence and wanting to murder Chakotay.

"Thank you. I appreciate it. Very much." She gave a soft sob. "You don't know how much."

"You're welcome."

The door chimed again and Kathryn gave him a quizzical look.

"Another visitor, Lieutenant?"

"Let's see, shall we?" Ayala said, smiling as he looked at the door.

She nodded, then commanded, "Enter."

By the time they had all walked through her door, she counted thirteen crew, including Seven of Nine. They all carried gifts. Her heart wanted to burst with a mixture of pride and sadness. Her eyes became moist again.

"Greetings, Captain," said Chell, the Bolian. "From all of us. We decided one would cover for all and not repeat 'Greetings, Captain' thirteen times over, and I have been honoured with the task. So, Greet - "

"Chell!"

"Yes, sweet Golwat?"

"You always did talk too much."

Kathryn sat, dumbfounded by the little party's entrance and friendliness, unable to return their greeting. She nodded, feeling how she wanted to choke with deep emotion. She had been so alone the last months. So alone...

The group  didn't wait for her, but simply seated themselves around her, even on the floor, sitting on scatter cushions. There was an atmosphere of warmth, welcoming her into their company. She was their captain, and who knew, tomorrow they might face extreme dangers again in which her ship would be damaged and they'd spend weeks just repairing her. But this moment was theirs in which they showered her with their presence, their affection. She brought her hand up and gripped Marla's shoulder in answering gratitude, nodded to Ayala and then touched everyone of them. Her palm rested against Seven's cheek the longest, and she thought that she would always remember how Seven had been her most ardent supporter.

"We decided to hold our own shower here, for you, Captain," said Seven of Nine. "I have determined that it is an old Earth tradition."

All eyes were on her, if she didn't count Ayala who had seated himself on the floor next to Mariah Henley.

She noted with some sadness that most of them were crew who came on board Voyager - Maquis who struggled to fit in. Others who, through her own struggles to come to terms with what happened with Ransom - Lessing, with Marla Gilmore, Angelo Tassoni. Chell was there too, and Dalby and Gerron. Mariah Henley, never without her imager, took pictures of their proceedings.

"Thank you, all of you. I know I'll probably never have the joy of sharing this with my baby, but you have made my heart lighter tonight. I - "

Her throat felt thick. Words that were in her head refused to find their path to them. She closed her eyes, not minding that they witnessed her sorrow, the tear that slid down her cheek.

"It's alright, Captain," Marla said softly, touching her hand. "We understand. And we know that you have virtually signed away your baby to Commander Chakotay and Sarah."

She showed her shock that they knew this.

"Sarah is very sweet, as we all know. But it hides a devious, malicious spirit. She has told everyone you have formally given your baby to them."

"I should kill Chakotay. I think I'll go now."

Dalby pulled Ayala back.

"Pretty soon that is going to be my pleasure," he told his old friend. "The man is a sucker for devious women. It's as if he never learned from his experience with that foolish Seska. Captain, you have our full support..."

"There are reasons you have done this, Captain," Marla spoke again. "I am so sorry that you have to bear such a burden."

"You were once in the hydroponics bay, Captain. You didn't see me. I saw your sadness and I knew that you were hurting over your child," Noah said. "That was enough for me to know that much of what has happened in the last months was not of your own choosing."

And so they talked, quietly, calmly, sometimes laughing over an anecdote Chell was telling them, Golwat who gently chided that he was again dominating proceedings, that he should give someone else the chance to speak.

She opened their gifts. Exquisite items, some of clothing, others of leather bound books of fairytales. Kathryn was suitably and totally surprised at their generosity, especially their generosity of spirit, their capacity to forgive without asking the nature of the transgression. Dalby and Ayala and Mariah had walked to her replicator, used their own rations to replicate food and drink for all of them. Their time together filled her with the infinite joy that she wasn't alone after all.

No one spoke of Chakotay or Sarah Hargreaves, but they all spoke of the coming baby as if she herself was going to give birth to it. They asked if they could touch her stomach and imagine they could feel the baby's movements, and she happily agreed, after which each in turn rested with awed wonder a  palm against her and some even held their heads close to her, passing on to the baby words of wisdom, words of caution, words of love. Someone ordered music and when another complained the baby might not like jazz, selected Vulcan music instead; which created another round of complaints. Eventually, she settled for Saint Saëns's "The Swan" and the beautiful, haunting sound of the violin filled the room. They nodded their heads and decided the baby would probably want to be a dancer one day.

So she overcame another hurdle in the saga of the coming of the child. She had taken their gifts and placed them on her bed with the music box, to be stored later in the small chest she had brought with her on Voyager almost seven years ago.

**** 

END CHAPTER TEN


	11. Chapter 11

* * *

 

Sarah was near her time. For the first time in months Chakotay asked her to come to the young ensign's quarters.

 She had been stressed, tired to the point of exhaustion, the persistent pain in her chest not going away. The previous night she had coughed blood and she had been shocked seeing it. She had replicated an antibiotic and injected herself with the hypospray. It offered some relief. Going to sickbay at this point wasn't an option. She didn't have the energy to grapple with the EMH about her general state of health. He had been baffled by her disinterest in the surrogate process and had been mostly concerned with the pregnant ensign's health.

And, he hadn't been pleased when Sarah had been admitted to sickbay with food poisoning, the evidence pointing to her as the culprit. Still, he had been forthcoming when she wanted to see the progress of the infant and had shown her scans. She had been struck with wonder and sadness at the same time and had forced the sadness away with mock joy at the way the baby was progressing.

Now she had been invited finally to see Sarah, but her apprehension grew with every step she took to the ensign's quarters. She didn't have the energy to fight her today. The pain had returned and hovered as a low, dull throb in her chest.

When she reached the cabin, she pressed the chime and seconds later she was standing inside Sarah Hargreaves's quarters. The first thing that struck her was the smell of baby powder, the smell that soon there would be a baby here.

Sarah was sitting on her couch, braced against Chakotay whose hands were on Sarah's stomach, massaging hands that made her want to cry out. It was a picture of serenity, the poignancy of father caring for his partner and happily doing her bidding as they prepare for the birth of their baby. She had prepared herself well, forced back the tiredness, the urge to cough.

"You asked to me come," she said, her voice friendly yet her heart hammered. What punishment were they going to dish out now?

"Good evening, Captain," Sarah said sweetly.

She nodded her greeting to them, avoiding looking at Chakotay. He shifted behind Sarah to seat himself next to her, but his hand still rested on her shoulder.

"Why have you called me?" she asked, wanting to rush out of the cabin. There was nothing for her here, no part in what was going to happen within the next two weeks.

"We have decided that we'd like for you to name the baby, Captain," Chakotay said quietly, his eyes defiant on her. Defiant and challenging.

It shocked her. They were finally making a concession to her? The name that had been in her heart and mind and conscious for so long, to be given to their baby? She had made up her mind that whatever they were going to name their child, in her heart the baby would forever be Elizabeth and God help her, the last name Janeway. Did Chakotay at last become a man and defied Sarah's demands? It was a wish that died instantly, for she had reached the point where she thought that Chakotay would never in creation believe her story about this woman and her crazed, malicious obsession. Sarah basked in Chakotay's attention, just the way she wanted it. They had everything now, hadn't they? What more could they want?

To punish her again?

"I have no personal interest - "

"Captain," Sarah Hargreaves cut in quickly, almost shyly, "I would dearly love you to have this honour."

"Chakotay," she replied after a lengthy pause, her eyes away from Hargreaves, "I thought we agreed that I would have no further part in this."

"This is our first child - "

"Elizabeth…"

"Kathryn?"

But she didn't stay to listen any further to them. She had given them the name and quickly left Sarah's quarters. She thought how Tom's mother would have been proud to know that she was naming her baby for the wonderful, compassionate doctor who, when they returned from their mission on the Cardassian borders, helped to restore her to humanity. Elizabeth Paris was a remarkable woman. Her husband had been tortured to near death, all manner of experiments performed on him too. Tom had been so young then, unable to understand why his father had changed to the stern, terse man who rarely showed emotion.

Kathryn Janeway and Owen Paris. They had both been emotional wrecks when they returned. Owen had refused counselling, hers didn't help much. But Elizabeth Paris, wonderful, wonderful woman took these two damaged individuals and brought them both back from the brink of the abyss.

In eternal gratitude, her baby was going to be Elizabeth.

Back in her quarters she sat down at her vid-com, brought up the files for her baby and entered into the programme that her baby was going to be Elizabeth Janeway.

They were approaching Borg space, and Seven of Nine and Icheb were industrious in their preparations for this encounter. They could be home in minutes, or they could be destroyed. Her new friends kept her spirits up, though. Marla and Mariah had visited her again, as did Dalby and Ayala. Chakotay never came to her quarters, opting to see her in her ready room where they discussed crew matters.

Another bout of coughing caused her to bend over with pain. She hardly realised that her door had chimed and when her visitor eventually stood in front of her, had no time to greet, for she heard vaguely a call to sickbay.

When she came to, she was lying on the biobed with a concerned Marla Gilmore standing next to the doctor whose face  creased with concern.

"Why didn't you come earlier, Captain? You have neglected a bronchial condition for months, it seems."

"I am fine, Doctor. Let me get up here -  

"Captain, you're not well," said Marla. "Please, listen to Doctor. 

"I have a ship to run."

"Commander Chakotay - "

"Has his own duties, Doctor. I feel much better now. Thank you," she said, sitting up on the bed.

"Captain, you are developing a chronic obstructive airways disorder. If I don't give you the proper treatment, it will recur. You - "

"That will be all, Doctor."

The sickbay doors opened and they turned to see who had come in. Chakotay strode towards them.

"Kathryn, you're ill, why didn't you tell me?"

"Marla, shall we go?" she said to the former Equinox lieutenant, ignoring Chakotay and the doctor.

"Kathryn, please, what is the matter?"

"Nothing that a hypospray couldn't cure, Commander. I have to go to the bridge. Don't worry, I'm not going to die on you."

By the time she was back in her quarters, Marla looked at her with some concern.

"I'd say you handled that well, Captain."

Kathryn gave a mirthless laugh.

"I have to get my crew home, Marla. I can't allow myself to get distracted. My job is this ship and the community of officers and crewmen who rely on my discipline to get them one step ahead of any hostile engagement. I - "

"Yes, Captain?" Marla asked.

"Am lying to myself."

"That's just what I thought."

"Well, I don't expect Commander Chakotay to come barging in here."

"I hear they're naming the baby Elizabeth. A rare concession to you, I understand."

"Is that why you came here earlier?"

"Well, no. I just thought you might like some company."

"Thank you. If it weren't for you all..."

"You're welcome. Now, please, look after yourself, will you?"

"I will, Doctor Gilmore!"

***************

**Captain's log - Stardate : 550770**

_Today, at 1700 a baby girl was born to Commander Chakotay and his partner Ensign Sarah Hargreaves. The baby is in good health and weighed 2.75 kg, according to the EMH, just below the average weight for babies. They have decided to name the baby Elizabeth Kathryn._

**end log.**

Kathryn stared at the official entry of the event. Her heart felt empty, devoid of the high emotion of the previous day. Still shell-shocked, she tried to wipe out the images in sickbay. She had gone there when Sarah had gone into labour. The doctor had welcomed her, finally accepting that she wasn't planning on killing the infant. He was jovial, in total contrast to her own warring emotions. She had carried Elizabeth almost two months herself and sometimes it felt to her as if the baby was still growing in her.

But it was Sarah Hargreaves who had become hysterical when Kathryn arrived.

"Don't let her come here, please."

"Ensign," the EMH replied as he pressed the hypospray against her neck, "Captain Janeway deserves to be here. It is uncharitable not to allow her to witness the birth of her child - "

"She gave the baby to us. That's what."

"She is still the genetic mother, Ensign, a fact which can never be denied or forgotten. Captain Janeway stays."

Sarah had looked with pleading eyes at Chakotay.

"Are you going to let her stay here?" she asked, her voice clearly sounding that she desired the opposite.

Chakotay looked at Kathryn, his eyes inscrutable. What was he thinking? She prepared herself for the worst, the way her heart would stop pounding in anticipation of his response. The baby was her blood, her flesh and blood. She was never going to have a share in her upbringing. It was her own fault. She deserved what was happening to her. She didn't want to be pregnant, didn't want the baby. No matter that her body screamed in denial.

She sighed.

"It's okay. I'll leave."

"Captain, it's not right," the EMH started. Kathryn thought how ironic his statement was. "Stay. It's your child being born."

"Kathryn, please stay."

Chakotay's voice had been soft, dull in the way he consented to her request.

She wanted to burst into tears then, and in the next few hours during Sarah's labour, assisted where she could. At times she even held Sarah's hand when the contractions became severe. Sarah's eyes were on her then, filled with pain and surprise at the force of the contractions. Kathryn wanted to believe she saw the old Sarah Hargreaves, the friendly, shy ensign who mostly blended into the bulkheads of Voyager. But this woman was capable of sending Kathryn to hell every time she threatened the unborn baby's life. This woman was unbelievably malevolent.

 When the first cries of the baby sounded up, it was on Sarah's bosom the doctor lay the infant. Kathryn closed her eyes, and when she opened them again, found Chakotay looking at her. Not a word spoken between them. Kathryn imagined Chakotay was saying 'thank you.'

She took one last look at the freshly born baby, Elizabeth, with her eyes still closed, her body still bloodied. Kathryn thought she saw the baby's hair the colour of her own. She thought she saw the baby's eyes the shape of her own. Tiny, tiny, infant, still tied to Sarah by her umbilicus.

But mine...

No one spoke a word. If they were considering protocols, what were they? That Kathryn take the baby and hold it to her bosom? That Sarah hold the baby to her and not let Kathryn touch it? That Chakotay could allow Kathryn to place her hand on the baby's wet body as an acknowledgement of her presence and her part in it?

Finally:

"Kathryn..."

"You got what you wanted, Chakotay. Please, please...take good care of her..."

Then she turned and quietly left sickbay.

 

*********

END CHAPTER ELEVEN

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

* * *

"Enter."

Kathryn took a deep breath as Chakotay stepped into her ready room. There was a smile on his face. They were only seventeen hours from Earth, a great and momentous journey ended when Voyager travelled through the Borg transwarp hub and they found themselves home.

"You wanted to see me, Captain?"

She remained standing behind her desk. Her heart raced. She wondered how he would react to her request. Elizabeth was three weeks old and she had seen the baby only in the seconds after her birth.

"Yes. We'll be home within hours now and I have prepared all reports to be handed to Starfleet when we dock. I've been given the assurance that all Maquis will be pardoned as well as the five officers of the Equinox crew."

"Thank you. I won't be staying on Earth."

"I am aware of that, Commander. I can't hold you back."

"We'll be leaving for Dorvan V after the debriefings."

She nodded. The past weeks she had been at her best deflecting her heartache into work, work and more work. She had returned to her normal friendly communication with her crew. They were wary of her, it seemed, but she had persevered and finally managed to convince them that she was still the same person on the outside, the same captain who led them steadfastly, never giving up that they would one day be home. She was glad of that. B'Elanna had given birth as well and the experience had mellowed her towards her captain.

Now as she looked at Chakotay, his face, his smile so achingly dear to her, she hoped that he would be forthcoming.

"I know. I won't be seeing you again, I take it?"

She knew she sounded a little off-hand, the question just a matter of confirming information.

"No. We'll be raising Elizabeth there. Look, if you're trying - "

"Chakotay," she sighed, almost losing her courage, "I have just one request, if you'll grant me it."

"You can't get her, Kathryn."

Keep your heart pumping. Don't let him see you bleed.

"Chakotay, it seems I did everything wrong in all of what has happened. We should never have made love. I can tell you now it was my most memorable experience for it sealed our friendship and changed the boundaries. But I screwed up."

"It's not that - "

"Yes. My instantaneous revulsion of being pregnant, not wanting to keep the baby - that didn't endear me to you, I know. In fact, from there everything I did to make things right went downhill. I am sorry and you will never know how sorry I am. I am not the witch or the murderer or the disinterested mother you have made me out to be.

"But I had transgressed in your eyes. Nothing I did could change your opinion of me. The opposite happened and now I know that you must hate me. You cannot know how deeply I regret that. I lost the most valuable thing I had on Voyager - your friendship. It was what kept me going and kept me hoping that we'll be like this one day - on our way to Earth. I go home the same way I came - with nothing, Chakotay, except my captaincy: four rank pips that held Voyager together because you were there to help carry that burden.

"I have lost my rights over my baby and yes, from where you're standing, I never deserved those rights. You're thinking I don't have feelings, I don't want the baby, that I made several attempts to terminate her existence. Why would I do that? She was created in the most beautiful moments of my life. You're thinking I gave her away. Yes, I did that and I cannot explain why. I see you are very happy with your little girl and Sarah must be overjoyed too. You have known me for so long, yet our friendship couldn't survive mistrust, lack of faith and compassion when I asked that you believe my innocence.

"When you leave Earth for Dorvan V I will probably never see my daughter again. Therefore I ask you this one wish, just this one, Chakotay."

Kathryn watched him closely. He looked indecisive for a moment, as if he had to ask Sarah first. Her heart sank. She felt close to tears. But she was never going to cry again. Never. So she held those tears back and swallowed painfully.

"What do you want?"

"To spend only one hour with my baby,  to say goodbye to her."

Did something flash in his eyes? Was he afraid that she was going to make a claim and take the child away from him, the father? Why was he hesitating?

"Please..."

"One hour then."

He didn't wait for her to reply. He was out of the ready room before she could speak. Kathryn sank back in her chair. At least he didn't refuse outright.

Sighing, she pressed her commbadge.

"Janeway to Gilmore."

"Marla here, Captain. What can I do for you?"

"Could you and Mariah come to my quarters at 1400?"

**********

It was Chakotay himself who brought Elizabeth to her in the holodeck where she had recreated the lounge of the farmhouse in Indiana. The room was large, airy, yet warm. There was a great fireplace and over the mantelpiece stood gilt-framed photographs. There were two large windows, one really French doors leading to the porch and the other a bay window that overlooked the spacious lawns that tapered gently down to a quiet stream. In the distance the small shuttle launching pad could be discernable.

Kathryn had been nervous that Chakotay might turn back again. But he walked to her and placed the baby carefully in her arms.

Her eyes closed briefly, wonderingly, at the feel of the sleeping baby in her arms. Elizabeth smelled of baby powder and everything baby. She sat down on the couch and forgot about Chakotay's presence there. Elizabeth was beautiful with her flush cheeks, rosy lips and dark hair.

She had asked Mariah Henley and Marla to join her in half an hour. But for now her baby slept peacefully in her arms and when she yawned, her little hand went to her mouth and an instinctive sucking action started.

The baby's cheeks felt wet as Kathryn caressed it and then she realised it was her own tears that had spilled on the child. She looked up. Chakotay stood at the fireplace, but his image blurred through the sheen of her tears.

"Thank you..."

The baby's eyes opened, and for the first time Kathryn saw the colour of Elizabeth's eyes, a more piercing blue-grey than her own. The downy hair was her own colour. Trembling fingers touched velvety soft skin, counted fingers, touched the rosiest lips she ever saw. She planted a kiss on the baby's head. Elizabeth made soft mewling sounds, like a tiny, tiny kitten just born. Her head lolled and when it was positioned that she face Kathryn, their eyes made contact.

Kathryn knew the baby couldn't focus at that stage, but to her it felt as if the child knew her. Another tear rolled down and dripped on Elizabeth's hand. She was losing her resolve not to shed tears, but holding the helpless infant in her arms, thinking it was the last time she would ever see the child again, dislodged the boulder she had rolled in front of those floodgates of unhappiness. Finally, unable to hold back, she pressed the baby to her and wept.

When the tears stopped, she smiled sadly.

"I'm saying goodbye, Elizabeth. I don't think I'll ever see you again. But you're going with your daddy and new mommy to live happy together in a place very far away. You behave now, will you? I know you will. You're so small... Maybe one day I will see you all grown up,  who knows? But fate has not been kind to me lately. I don't know if that will happen, but it's okay. I want you to know that I love you and I will always love you. You will always, always be here, in my heart, understand?"

So she kept talking to the child who could only stare at her with unfocused eyes. Chakotay remained at the fireplace, not moving. She appreciated that he didn't interfere with her moments with the baby. In softly whispered tones she spoke to Elizabeth of her love, of growing up, of being a teenager, of going to school and winning prizes. Once she looked up sharply when she heard a sound from Chakotay. He had taken a step forward, then, in aching disappointment, he resumed his position at the mantelpiece.

Later, when Marla and Mariah arrived - Kathryn couldn't help noticing how Mariah gave Chakotay a dirty look - they asked him to leave the holodeck.

"We have another half hour you gave us, Chakotay," she told him. "The captain needs this privacy, understand?"

"I'll wait outside."

"Fine. Go and count your blessings while you're there."

When he left, Mariah began taking pictures of her with the baby, using the imager she had replicated in their second year after saving replicator rations for months.

"Smile, Captain..."

Her tears had dried, she had smoothed her hair and hoped her make-up wasn't smudged. She wondered absently how Sarah had reacted, and then summarily dismissed all thoughts of the ensign.

"Now, hold her up and against you, Captain. Yes, in a nice hug. Profile shot. Just turn baby's head to look at the imager..."

Mariah continued to take shots, of Kathryn with the baby, of the baby alone, of all of them together, letting the timer run while she quickly dashed to sit next to Marla.

"Captain," Marla said, "do you have any idea how much Elizabeth resembles you? It's uncanny. I've never seen a likeness in an infant so young."

"Her eyes are exactly the same colour," Mariah said as she took a few close-up studio shots of the baby.

Finally, with minutes to spare, they all sat together, with Kathryn in the middle and holding Elizabeth close to her. The girls touched the baby's cheeks, her tiny fingers, made cooing baby sounds.

"She's a beautiful baby. My word! Look how she nudges her face  against you, Captain!"

Kathryn had noticed too. Elizabeth was probably hungry. She had never taken the boosters the doctor had suggested she used in order to breastfeed the baby. So many things had changed since that day. But suddenly a sharp stab of pain shot through her breasts. She was lactating, she knew, as it had happened the previous night too.

She sighed as she kissed the baby one last time, for Chakotay had entered the holodeck again. Very gently he took the baby from her.

"It was the best I could do, Kathryn," he said, his eyes uncommonly bleak.

She nodded, feeling bereft of the weight of the baby in her arms, trying not to feel at all as Chakotay left the holodeck.

There was a hushed silence in the room. Mariah and Marla, a Maquis and an Equinox officer, ones who had struggled to fit in and become part of Voyager, sat beside her. She leaned over, resting her hands on her knees and kept staring at the floor. Now her tears were over, she thought. She would have to take the precious hour she had with her baby and stretch it to last the rest of her lifetime in which she would remember, or, strive to forget.

She felt the hands of her friends on her shoulders, touches that offered solace in her grieving.

"Captain, you know what?" said Marla in the gentle way she always had of speaking. "Don't despair. As tiny as Elizabeth is, she is going to take your smell with her to Dorvan and she will remember. I believe that when she is told of the circumstances of her birth, she will want to come looking for you."

Kathryn straightened up.

"Thank you Marla, Mariah... These last weeks, I don't know what I would have done without you."

"If we could do more..."

"Stay in contact with me, wherever you'll be posted?"

"Aye, Admiral!" the two of them chorused.

****************

**Captain's Personal Log, Stardate : 550794**

 

We are home, finally, after seven years. I have returned but left my heart somewhere on Dorvan in the hands of a tiny infant. I cannot hate Chakotay anymore. There is nothing left in me to hate. He has taken Elizabeth with him and Sarah who is now her mother. I believe they have married and together they will raise the child. In that, I suppose, I should take comfort: my daughter has two parents raising her. I picture Sarah as she stood next to Chakotay just before they left, holding the baby possessively. Had Chakotay seen her look of malicious intent, he might have reconsidered his decision to leave.

My health is failing. In the bleakness of winter I care not whether I live or die. I am frozen like the icicles hanging from the eaves of my house in Indiana. I am cold like the icy stream that flows not far from the house and which sometimes, in the heart of winter, freezes over. I am lonely like the solitary  wolf as it crosses the white landscape of the remote, silent Steppes where the only sound is the sound of its breathing. It is dark around me and inside me. I function, yes, but I don't live. I have family who express their concern and who tell me I should demand to take what belongs to me.

But I have made a decision, one not of my own choosing, ultimately. Inspired by a malicious, devious, petty and obsessive individual, Sarah Hargreaves held my daughter hostage for the sole purpose of getting the man with whom she was in love. Who was the heartless, cruel one? I sometimes wondered.

Love can make us do strange things. It takes us to the skies to dwell and hover there on gentle clouds,  and we can believe that miracles can happen, or it can take us to the depths of wickedness.

I gave away my darling baby girl not because I didn't want her, but because I loved her too much. There can be no greater love than the sacrifice we make in the name of that love, and so I let her go. It has broken my heart into a million pieces and I have absolutely no idea how to become whole again.

_My heart is hollow._

 

My eyes pierce the dry landscape of Africa, or Mexico, or the moon of Mars or Earth and I see the mirage forming in the distance. The mirage appears like shimmering rings, beckoning me to lose myself in my illusion. My illusion is simple, unaffected. I had a child. I see her in the shimmering, cruel, cruel distance that distorts her image and finally when I reach her, taunts me with its reality. There is nothing that I can see except the rocks - heated, angry, silent witnesses to my rage.

_My heart is hollow._

 

My ears have stopped listening for a voice that cries at night when it's hungry or when it's wet, or simply, when it needs comfort. My ears have lost the familiarity of sounds of her, my little one. I die, I live, I die again, for the sounds terrorise me at night and make me lose my sanity. My illusion is simple: I hear her voice as she says "I love you, Mommy", but when I strain to isolate the words from the raging wind at night, there is nothing, not even a whisper.

_My heart is hollow._

 

My senses knew how soft a baby's skin could be to the touch and it rang in memories of then, when I could hold her just once, just once. I felt her in me and she knew my tears as they fell on her. I inhaled her and she came to live in me, filling me with her knowledge, her memory, her image. I walked the meadows, paused here and there, struck by the beauty of the vista before me. When I bent to smell a flower, she was there as familiar as the day I held her. And then, only then, I allow a tear to quench the flower's thirst for her.

_My heart is hollow._

 

I cannot cry anymore, nor do I speak about my hopeless yearning. People have come to know of me and of Voyager. Mostly, they have come to know of Elizabeth, of her birth, of her parentage. Some question me about it. I find words impossible to direct my thoughts and so my inability to respond is seen as heartless. As on my ship, I am here, at home, a villain again.

I don't have peace anymore. I don't know what it is. I have become restless, missions to deep space no longer the diversion I craved. Sleep has become an expensive commodity. My heart bleeds night after night when I lie in my bed, for after the toil and tribulations and noise of the day, my rest is as elusive as my peace.

 

_My heart is hollow._

 

I try to forget. I try to forget.

Then I tell myself that one day, one day I shall go and tell Chakotay my story.

For Elizabeth's sake alone, I hope he listens.

**End personal log.**

 

******************

 END CHAPTER TWELVE

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Indiana - the present**

Snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow.

He trudged through the pristine whiteness, leaving his scars behind him. His chest was on fire, yet he kept walking, wanting the burn to continue. His breath frosted, warm breath that died as it left his mouth.

Strange, he noted idly, how the stream silenced, its water freezing into a thin layer and where water splashed over rocks, it seemed to leave brulé-like shards of glass. In a word, midwinter in Indiana was beautiful. It was silent, stark, aloof. So completely in contrast to the world he had left ten days ago. He pulled his parka tighter around him to insulate what heat he had left in his body, the fur lined hood deep over his head.

He heard a barking and realised that Missy had followed him. The dog appeared unaware of snow and cold and ice and bounded towards him. He patted the panting dog and she sped off ahead to the copse where the shuttle launching pad was located.

He stood still, unable to keep himself from looking back to the house. Great, big old farmhouse of the Janeways. He could discern the bay window and front porch. He thought he saw Kathryn sitting on the seat in the window, with Elizabeth next to her. He pictured Kathryn combing Elizabeth's hair.

Giving a little cry, he turned away from the view and continued to trudge. He had no idea where he was walking to. It didn't matter. He needed to think. He needed to digest all of what Kathryn had told him. There was a burning sensation in his eyes. He bit his lip so hard he tasted the blood. There was no clear point where he could declare 'this was where I finally believed her' or 'now I know she was telling the truth'. 

Kathryn's tale itself, every word that wheezed stutteringly out of her sick body was not a truth, but an indictment.

She didn't ever mean for her story to be that. But to him, his iniquity started the day he didn't believe her. And that day started the day in the sickbay when she told him she wanted to terminate her pregnancy.

That was the bottom line.

He never saw her panic. He never saw her pain. He never saw her torment. He never saw her.

All he could see was himself, Maquis, renegade fighter for freedom, first officer of Voyager able to deal with crewmen who needed counselling or his brand of discipline, being outraged at her statement. Self-absorbed in his own anger that she wasn't with him sharing his dream. In self-righteous condemnation he judged her. He had waited so long for her to open up to him, had waited so long to declare his love for her, had been patient beyond his strength as he watched her command her crew. And when it mattered in the most important, controversial decision she was to make for her and her unborn child, he walked away and refused to fight with her by her side.

He pictured her as she was days ago in hospital, lying in bed, better but still very sick, after she started telling him her story. She looked like she had then, on Voyager - haunted, hunted, destroyed. And she was waiting for him to refute her story. Her eyes had that fear in them as he had seen it so many times during the surrogacy when he denied her, refused her, never believed her, told her outright she was wrong.

And she didn't have to ask if he believed her. Even now, now that they were reunited, she was still unsure of his trust in her. 

Something bubbled up in him, something fierce and terrifying. He sank down onto his knees in the deep snow and raised his face to the sky.

"I believe you, Kathryn!" he screamed into the silence. "I believed you!" It was too much. He began to rasp painfully as he struggled to breathe.

Kathryn's eyes. Kathryn's face. Kathryn's smile. Kathryn's wonderful compassion.

It was all there, on their little girl, from the moment she was born.

There was no way out for him. Sarah Hargreaves was a criminal, as evil and as malicious as he had never seen or known before. Systematically she had broken down the finest, strongest, bravest, most fearless woman on Earth. Systematically she garnered the sympathy and the support of the crew against the woman he loved and he had joined them in throwing stones and murdering her. He had been so insidiously programmed to believe that Kathryn never wanted her child, lost interest, was bent on aborting her baby, he didn't think he could ever look at Kathryn again and not remember his abysmal treatment of her.

That was what they did to Captain Kathryn Janeway of Voyager.

Sarah Hargreaves. Guilty. Commander Chakotay. Guilty. Senior officers of Voyager. Guilty.

And what did Kathryn say to him?

"I know I don't deserve to have my baby back..."

Was that the level to which they had destroyed her? That they could so completely make her believe she wasn't worthy to be a mother? When she signed away her baby, why wasn't he thinking then? Why didn't he think there had to be reason behind Kathryn's madness? For Kathryn, dear, sweet Kathryn who believed in fairness, it was pure madness to give away her baby.

Of course she wanted her child. Of course she couldn't breathe without her baby.

As guilty as Sarah had been, so was his complicity in the foul deed of bringing down a woman of honour and robbing her of her child.

It was Sarah who engineered everything, cold-bloodedly knew that Kathryn would never let Sarah kill the child, a threat Sarah held over Kathryn for so many months. Kathryn engaged from the start in a rescue mission to save an innocent baby. In the process she had to play the heartless, worthless mother and make everyone think she didn't want Elizabeth and would give her away at the drop of a hat.

All through the pregnancy, things happened, things Sarah told him with, what he realised belatedly, her deceptive charm. He recalled being called to sickbay when Sarah was six months pregnant. The doctor had just stabilised her and had the baby breathing again. Sarah had been distraught, her eyes full of tears.

"It's Captain Janeway, I'm sure of it. She must have had something to do with this. My food was tainted..."

He held Sarah's hand. "Don't worry, we'll soon get to the bottom of this."

Without Kathryn's permission he had assigned Tuvok to investigate and only hours later, when Sarah had been made comfortable again in her own quarters with one of the women crew watching over her, he had returned with the results.

"Commander, Ensign Hargreaves's replicator had been reprogrammed so that her nutrient had to include a substance strong enough to give her cramps that would induce her to lose the baby."

"What?"

"And, the computer in Captain Janeway's quarters was used to reprogramme the ensign's replicator."

He had been with Sarah who had become restless and weepy again when Tuvok returned with the news.

"I told you, Chakotay. You know what happened the first time and the second time. I didn't think Captain Janeway would go so far..."

Sarah's voice had been plaintive, with an absence of malice that astonished him, now that he knew the truth. Blinded by his own anger, he had gone and confronted Kathryn. And Kathryn had tried her best to explain, to deny her complicity in the very serious crime of attempted murder. His rage had been murderous. He knew about the previous times she had tried to kill the child, but then it had been threats which he and Sarah had taken seriously. His rage had known no bounds and he had trouble preventing himself from striking Kathryn.

And after that episode, Kathryn had been on her best being totally disinterested. She smiled her way through the next two months, never asked him again anything. He had been overwhelmed at becoming a father and so he spent more and more time with Sarah who remained fearful of what Kathryn would do next. He had given her the assurance that Kathryn would never try anything again.

They had a baby shower when Sarah was eight months pregnant. Kathryn had asked if she could give something for the baby. He had refused, saying B'Elanna and the others who organised it, wouldn't want her there. Kathryn had given up, dismissing him from the ready room. That night, several of the crew had stayed away from the shower.

He found later that thirteen crew including Annika Hansen, his best friends Dalby and Ayala, Marla Gilmore and Mariah were in Kathryn's quarters giving her a baby shower.

He could account for them and the skeleton crew who had been on duty, and couldn't figure why thirty more crew weren't at Sarah's baby shower as well. Now he knew. They saw what he had been too blind to see. He continued in his stupid blind adoration and celebration of his own pending fatherhood and hated Kathryn for what she had become.

The following night he and Sarah had gone to her quarters. Chakotay closed his eyes at the memory of that night.

"I want full custody of my baby, Kathryn," he said without preamble as they entered. Kathryn never looked at Sarah or her stomach. But her eyes had gone dead for a brief moment. He pressed on, refusing to be affected by her or feeling sympathy. He wanted the child because Kathryn showed little or no interest.

"And that means?"

"You don't touch my child, you don't demand your rights, you don't give presents..."

"Under normal circumstances you wouldn't regard me as family then, so why deny me seeing a baby born on my ship, or giving a little gift to a member of my crew?"

"Because you wanted to abort the child, because you didn't want the baby, because you were apathetic and indifferent, and then you tried thrice to kill the baby just so that you can deny me my rights and my fatherhood. Need I say more?"

"Full custody... Chakotay, you know that - "

"That's what I want. If you don't, we have all the evidence needed to prove you're an unfit mother."

"Please, Captain Janeway. Chakotay has assured me it would be best for the baby."

It seemed to him then that Kathryn must have grown cold inside, insulated herself with her mask of indifference. But he had not forgotten Kathryn Janeway who could do just that and fool everyone around her into thinking she was cruel to give her baby away. But her eyes - window to her soul - spoke volumes in those brief moments she allowed him to see her pain.

"I know you're not interested and I know you won't trouble us again or - or - "

"Hurt the baby..." came Sarah's whisper.

"Yes, but because you are the genetic mother, I thought I'd ask you anyway."

"Captain?"

Kathryn's eyes were on Sarah. Then she had given a little sigh of capitulation.

"Yes. Yes, it's okay, Commander. The baby is yours."

"Thank you, Captain!" Sarah's voice sounded up, much lighter and happier now.

But he couldn't forget Kathryn's eyes.

Some days later he had spoken with Sarah.

"We must give her at least something, Sarah. You know the baby is tied to her too," he told her, his own shame at how shattered Kathryn looked when he demanded full rights over the baby troubling him.

"But, Chakotay, you said she is nothing now to the baby. You said we'll raise the baby together as mother and father."

"I know, Sarah," he said, stroking Sarah's full stomach and feeling the instant the baby kicked. "It's not as if she'll trouble us again, or threaten the baby."

"So why make a concession to her?"

"Because I say we must."

And then he had seen the fear in Sarah's eyes for he had raised his voice just a little pitch higher and became firm with her. 

"Okay."

"And please, you know how beautifully you can charm everyone. Smile so that she knows it's what we really want her to have okay?"

"As long as you don't give her the baby..."

"I want her to give the baby's name."

"But I have already thought of a name."

"And I say we give Captain Janeway this honour, Sarah. She has nothing. We have everything."

And so they summoned the Captain of Voyager to Sarah's quarters and asked her to name her baby. When she left, he told Sarah that he wanted Kathryn added as middle name.

He never told Kathryn after that that he had added Janeway as the last name.

**************** 

Now in the cold winterland, with his breath frosting and his bones cold, with the beauty of the landscape hardly affecting him, he realised Kathryn's truth. He realised now what was happening from the moment the foetus was transported into Sarah's body.

Captain Kathryn Janeway, mother of the unborn child, in the greatest battle to save a baby's life.

In the process, she lost Elizabeth.

To her mind, giving Elizabeth to him was the guarantee of knowing the baby was still alive. She could go on now and no longer be a threat to the jealous, obsessed, cruel Sarah Hargreaves. To his mind, the most heartbreaking sacrifice Kathryn has ever had to make.

Chakotay remembered the day Kathryn asked him for one hour to be with her baby. His whole body trembled as he recalled the way she stood behind her desk: proud, erect, her stance readying itself for his rejection. He wanted to. Wanted to reject her right there.

"Oh, spirits!" he screamed again.

Every scene in which Kathryn pleaded, begged, asked, never given, the way her eyes died every time he turned her down.

Then everything overwhelmed him at once as images of Kathryn trying to reason with him, Kathryn trying to see her baby, Kathryn trying to reason with mistrusting crew, Kathryn saying "Elizabeth" when he asked her to name her baby.

He gave her so few concessions while she gave everything.

_I lost the most valuable thing I had on Voyager - your friendship. It was what kept me going and kept me hoping that we'll be like this one day - on our way to Earth. I go home the same way I came - with nothing_.

He thought of how Elizabeth grew up on Dorvan. A shy child afraid to make friends, a child whom Sarah ordered to call by her name, a child who cried many nights not knowing why she cried. A year with Sarah who had done the perfunctory tasks of feeding the baby, changing her diapers, never holding her really close like the day Kathryn pleaded with him for one hour with her baby. That day he had seen how Kathryn held Elizabeth as if she were the absolute most precious thing in the world. Never after that on Dorvan had he seen Elizabeth in the arms of Sarah being held so close. It was a connection his daughter missed from the very beginning. And he had been too proud to take action then. Too proud to come to Kathryn and demand she help him with the child. 

Kathryn's tears had fallen on her baby that day. 

Did something happen then? Did her tears fall into the child and became a part of her? That sorrow touched Elizabeth and when she cried at night, it was in an instinctive hunger to have a vacuum in her filled, a vacuum he couldn't even fill. He was her father. Elizabeth loved him, but her eyes were sometimes far away, too distant and searching for a child so young. 

He had taken her away from Sarah when she was a year old, for Sarah had done nothing for her after he reminded her that he was never going to sleep with her, that they had an arrangement. Sarah stayed on, bothered him at night in his home, trying to bed him. She did what she accused Kathryn of for seven months long - lost interest in the child. 

A simple, stupid agenda, an obsessive love that turned her into a killer. That was the woman who raised his little girl. 

And how many times didn't he picture Elizabeth as she lay cuddled against her mother - her real mother? 

He had seen in Kathryn's room, in the lounge, in Elizabeth's room pictures that Mariah Henley-Hamilton had taken. He had no such record of his baby. There were no pictures of Sarah with Elizabeth at three weeks old. 

For a stupid obsession, a brainless idiot made him throw away the most beautiful thing that ever happened in his life.

Kathryn Janeway. 

Who gave up her daughter to him, saying, "She's yours, Chakotay." Who did so because she was protecting her child from harm done by Sarah Hargreaves. 

He robbed Kathryn of her daughter. 

He robbed Elizabeth of a mother. 

Why didn't he bring Elizabeth home then? 

Pride. 

He began to howl in pain at what he had done to her. The howling was heard by the dog who ran back to him and began to howl with him. His face, the hood thrown back, his breath steaming from his mouth, was raised to the lonely, cloudy sky. 

And the howling of man and dog continued, long and loud and fierce.

Once, when his hand touched his face, he wiped from his cheeks what had become ice.

****


	14. Chapter 14

Kathryn sat on the seat in the bay window and watched as Chakotay became smaller in the distance. When it seemed that he had vanished completely, dressed in a snowy white anorak, the only indication that he was still there was his movement as he stood up. Had he been down, then? she wondered.

They had been here three days, and every day Chakotay had gone outside, braving the cold, the frosty air that bit through the warmest clothing. She had wanted to go after him, but after the first day when he returned hours later, she had been glad. It would have been folly to venture it out in the cold. She was still coughing persistently, something which Doctors Paris and Robert cautioned and chastised her about. She had to be careful. The bronchitis and pneumonia would recur and debilitate her like it did in the last weeks.

The dog had whined and howled at the front door after Chakotay left that first day and she had been forced to let Missy go after him. Missy didn't just want to be outside. She got enough exercise just running about the house, it seemed. But her dog had switched alliances and latched on to Chakotay the minute he set foot in the house. After that, Missy followed Chakotay everywhere.

She sighed. Missy was no longer her dog. She belonged firmly to Chakotay who couldn't seem to disengage himself from the dog anyway. She was glad, but also, filled with apprehension that he would leave soon, as soon as she had recovered completely.

She had told him her story at the hospital. She had been so weak then and the first parts had left her exhausted, after which she slept again for hours. When she opened her eyes, Chakotay was always there. Sometimes Elizabeth was with him and then the child would smile happily as she snuggled up to her in the bed and lay close to her.

"My mommy..." Elizabeth would say, repeating the mantra of the first day.

Kathryn learned from Chakotay that Elizabeth always called Sarah by her name, as she had been instructed to. It was sad, she thought. Most children's first words were 'mama' or 'papa', and her daughter missed having that vital link with Sarah. It seemed that when Sarah couldn't get Chakotay after all, she lost interest in the child. It was ironic, and also a testimony to Chakotay's memory of their night of love and loving.

"I couldn't forget what we shared, Kathryn," he told her. "And Sarah and I had an agreement. She would help raise Elizabeth to her third year, be a mother to her, then she could go and do as she wished. She - " He had paused and Kathryn saw how his knuckles turned white at the memory. She hadn't wanted to press him, but he had laboured through his remorse and shame to continue speaking. "She never held Elizabeth like that day I saw you hold her in the holodeck... She had been expecting me to marry her, but I had no plans to marry. And not her anyway. She ...was really what I asked her to be: a surrogate. I was very thankful for that, eternally grateful, but Kathryn, she played on my emotions as well. Only, she couldn't get me into bed."

She had been lying in bed, and Elizabeth had been asleep in her own room. Chakotay had sat on the bed next to her, holding her hand, caressing the back of it. Her heart had raced that first night, sick as she still was, her breathing raspy and shallow. He had lifted her up so that she rested against him. She felt his hand pressing her head closer, the old wonder of being in his arms overwhelming her. It was good to feel close to him again. She had had so precious little affection after that first night of love. She had given a moan of contentment.

Kathryn wasn't certain of a future for them, but he had given his commitment that they would raise Elizabeth together now. For that she was grateful. She had missed her baby like her very breath, every day for three years.

Living was getting up in the morning, going to her office at Starfleet Headquarters, work, lecture, go back to the office, come to Indiana at weekends. There was no purpose to her life, for her reason to live it fully and exuberantly and with joyful celebration was no longer there. There was no Chakotay whom she loved with all her heart, or Elizabeth who was her very heart. That was gone, and in a sense, she had no heart left.

Now her heart was full and would overflow if Chakotay could find rest again.

What she knew of what happened later on Dorvan came to her in little titbits of information from him. Like the previous night when they talked. His sister helped him care for their child, his sister who had two little boys herself and had her hands full raising them alone. Elizabeth adored kittens.

"She started walking when she was eleven months old."

"And when did her first teeth sprout?" she had asked, thriving on hearing everything about their child.

"First tooth at six months. She said "papa" quite early too."

She had been breathless with joy, unable to keep her eyes off the sleeping child. In fact, her joy had been so great that she had a slight relapse. Chakotay had been prepared by Doctors Robert and Paris and was ready with a hypospray to calm her.

"F-forgive me," she had stammered. "Elizabeth...I'm learning so much of her. She is adorable..."

"And her father too stupid to come back to Earth after Sarah couldn't fulfil her end of the bargain."

"Oh, Chakotay, don't torment yourself so. We're together now, all three of us. I'm the one who...screwed up."

"Now who is tormenting herself now?" he had asked, the old smile back in his eyes and the sombreness of the moment somewhat relieved.

"Fine. I'm ready for coffee."

"Oh, no, you're not. Doctor Paris said you might as well go off it completely."

"Doctor Paris... Tom's mother. She's a wonderful woman..."

"I know. She was instrumental in your recovery."

Kathryn had sighed and soon she drifted off to sleep and when she woke again, found that Chakotay had taken Elizabeth to her room. He was sitting on the bed next to her again and holding her hand. There had been warmth in his eyes, a certain awareness that soon they could rekindle their passion. He had leaned forward and she had been unable to resist the pressure of his hands against her shoulders, his lips touching hers gently. Then he had straightened up again, the fire in his eyes, but a fire tempered by what she thought his own demons of guilt, his uncertainty that she would reject him. He rose with a sigh, said "goodnight", then quietly left her room.

He slept in the guest room and she was glad of that. It was too soon, too much to absorb that her vacuum of three years was suddenly filled with the two most precious people in her world. She needed time to adjust. She needed time to undo in her tormented mind her anguish, her despair of three years that was no longer there. She needed time to reflect that it was over. And most importantly, she needed time to enjoy her little girl, and allow Chakotay to do what he needed to do right now.

Walking into the distance and contemplating his life and what he told her, his unpardonable treatment of her. He had been a good listener the last week, but also one who had become increasingly anguished as more and more of what she had suffered in the Cardassian prison at the hands of Cardassian butchers and soldiers and on Voyager, at his hands, came to be known to him. She could see how realisation dawned that all of his outrage, his righteous indignation at her decisions were spent on her without ever thinking that there could have been reasons for her actions and decisions, however insistent she had been about them. She could see him playing in his mind the many times he had challenged her head-on about decisions she had made for ship and crew and about the destiny of individuals. The one time she needed for him to challenge her, he allowed his indignation to get the better of him.

Chakotay's face had changed from the easy smile, the reassuring smile he had that first day, to pure agony. She could see it in his eyes. It was easier this time. On Voyager he had been inscrutable many times so that it was difficult to divine his emotions, his intentions and his motivation. All that bounced off him in those days on Voyager during those terrible nine months of hell was his anger and his outrage, his implacability not to believe her and trusting her.

It was so characteristic of Chakotay to wander off and meditate, though she wasn't certain that this time there would be a measure of peace for him. She never had peace herself no matter what she tried to attain that great, great feeling of contentment, that fulfilment, that nourishment of her battered soul. Why would it be different for him? On Voyager he had taken a shuttle from time to time to go off, far from ship and duty and people around him and meditate, find peace through his vision quests. Most times he would return and he'd be light again, full of renewed vigour and purpose and then their friendship blossomed even more because he was at peace with himself and the world around him.

Now it seemed, the cold, wintry frost and snow reflected as much of the emptiness and bitter anguish she knew he must endure. He would return later and still look restless. Then he'd spend a long time brushing Missy's coat, long sweeping strokes that never once became aggressive though she could swear in his mind a war raged. Much, much later he would sit next to her, or take Elizabeth to look at all the photos of her as a baby, the ones Mariah Henley-Hamilton had taken the day before they arrived home. Quietly he would point to each picture and the child would point to a picture and he'd explain to her something. Sometimes she heard Elizabeth say "and there's me 'n my Mommy". Kathryn doubted very much that the child could recognise herself at three weeks old, but after looking at so many pictures, Elizabeth was finally blending into her.

Then Chakotay would look at her again for long minutes without saying a word. Kathryn gave a soft sigh. They had both erred and in the process deprived their daughter of loving parents. But she was going to make up for it. Chakotay would commit himself to being there. Elizabeth loved her papa, as she called him, but now that she had two parents constantly around her, it was hard for her to make choices. It wasn't fair to her, but time would heal them all, of that she was sure now.

Her mother and stepfather had accompanied the three of them to Indiana. Elizabeth had been wary of Missy who panted about her. She had burst into tears and then had everyone clucking in sympathy when she ran to her Kathryn to be comforted. Kathryn had lifted her on her lap, the effort exhausting as she was still ill, but it was worthwhile cuddling her child and offering her comfort and reassurance.

"See? Missy wants to be your friend. She likes you..."

"She likes Papa."

Missy jumped up, planting her paws on Kathryn's lap. Kathryn had then gently encouraged the child to stroke Missy's head. 

By now Elizabeth was comfortable with the dog around her, but it was her father who stole the dog's affection. They had seen the dog attaching herself to Chakotay and her mother had said succinctly, "All the women fall for him."

"Yes, so she does."

Later they had taken Elizabeth to the room Phoebe and her mother had prepared for her. Kathryn herself had been astounded at the change to her own childhood bedroom. In the last years she used the master bedroom, preferring the bigger room her parents had used. Light, airy was her former childhood sanctuary, the soft furnishing so typical for a child. There was an assortment of soft toys, colouring books, books of fairytales.

"This is your room, Elizabeth," Grandma Gretchen told her as she bent down to the child's height. "Your mommy slept here too."

The child nodded solemnly, turned to look for Chakotay and when she saw him, they could hear her give an audible sigh of relief. Then she walked about the room, touching a toy or lifting a book. She turned to her father who nodded before she sat down on the bed. Elizabeth clearly loved her father and now, she was fast becoming attached to her mother. When she smiled, her face became animated again.

"My room..."

"Oh, yes," she told her daughter. "You are going to live here."

"And Papa too?" Elizabeth asked, her eyes becoming fearful again. Kathryn hauled her into her arms.

"Of course, honey. You are going to have your mommy and your Papa here."

It had been a little voyage of discovery for Elizabeth to whom everything was new. She had lost some of her shyness, had not cried much again since the first day, when Gretchen told her how unsettled Elizabeth had been being thrown into new and unfamiliar surroundings. Elizabeth had eagerly made a beeline for the small bookshelf containing new books as well as the ones Kathryn had received from the small group who gave her a baby shower on Voyager. It had been a poignant moment for her because Chakotay's eyes had darkened when she explained that Mariah had given Elizabeth a collection of children's poems and Gerron had searched the database for Earth children's classics and presented her with Lewis Carroll's "Alive in Wonderland".

Kathryn had received a communication from Annika who would visit soon to see Elizabeth again. Marla Gilmore was now married to Magnus Rollins, who now commanded his own vessel. Marla, promoted to Lieutenant-Commander was appointed as her aide. She too, would arrive within the next few days as well as Mariah who had gained prominence as a photographer.

Kathryn sighed. Chakotay had vanished completely from sight now. She never asked where he walked to and it was quite possible that he meandered onto neighbouring properties. Perhaps it was too soon for her and Chakotay. Their night of lovemaking had been the closest they had come to being vulnerable to one another and even as they had confessed their feelings in those heady moments, the knowledge that they had still been far from home, that they had a duty to their ship and crew always weighed heavier than their passion and personal feelings. Then, when she fell pregnant, it changed Chakotay so much that it would take time to attain what they had before. She wasn't certain if they were still great friends anymore, something that had plunged her into the depths of despair in those nine months and the years after the birth of their baby. She knew how she felt; she dreamed now of recapturing the great friendship they had. Chakotay had been extremely attentive and caring and she basked in the tenderness he showed her, but was it enough for them both?

They had some hurdles to cross or mountains to climb. Their main objective now was to provide a stable environment for their daughter. She had taken leave – a whole three months due to her as she had never taken leave in the three years since their return. It was an ideal time to acquaint herself with Elizabeth, love her, care for her as she had dreamed so often of doing.

So a little reunion with some of the Voyager crew - those who were her supporters those terrible months - was something to be considered for much later. She didn't have to wonder what Chakotay thought about it. He had turned red when she mentioned a reunion.

"Is something the matter?" she had asked him, sensing that he was embarrassed.

"Dalby and Ayala beat me up one night after the baby was born. Told me I was a fool to let you go and to – to crucify you."

"They did?" she asked, still surprised that his closest friends had taken her side and not his.

"Kathryn, I can't tell you how sorry I am – "

She stilled him, pressed her fingers against his lips. She remembered saying those same words to him about her decision she made.

"I'd like to tell you to put this in the past, but it would be futile, wouldn't it?"

He nodded, closed his eyes, then pressing his lips against the palm of her hand. She had given a sigh. It wasn't going to be easy. Chakotay had always been such an honourable man and he felt that his behaviour to her was unforgivable. 

Later that first day Phoebe had arrived with a large box.

"A little present for Elizabeth," she said. "I hear her middle name is Kathryn and her last name Janeway. Chakotay, I can kiss you, because I also heard that all the beatings you got were done by your former friends like Dalby and Ayala and Chell and Gerron, never mind that you didn't listen to them. It's a good thing they didn't kill you, otherwise, what would have happened to this sweet little thing?" And Phoebe bent lower and tilted her head in Elizabeth's direction. Then she looked at Chakotay. "Heard you were on Dalby's hit list. You're going to have a hard time winning them over. For not believing in my sister. Okay, rant over. Elizabeth, sweetie, this is for you..."

Kathryn and Chakotay could only stare open-mouthed at Phoebe - vibrant, absolute no-nonsense Phoebe who breezed through the front door, her hood still full of snow flakes as she stomped her feet on the entrance hall floor, her cheeks red, and holding the travel box like a Santa bringing gifts.

Elizabeth gaped. Phoebe had opened the box and retrieved the most adorable, fluffy, silver Persian kitten who mewed her way straight into the little girl's heart and arms. Elizabeth turned to them, holding the kitten against her.

"Isn't she pretty, Elizabeth?" she asked.

He child just drew in her breath sharply.

"She's more familiar with cats, Phoebe," Chakotay said. "We have two on Dorvan. My sister is caring for them now."

"Then it's a good choice. Now, I suppose I have to go the kitchen and help myself." Phoebe gave Elizabeth a quick kiss on the cheek. "Tell your mommy you want a partner for your kitty."

"No!"

"Mommy, can I – "

"Elizabeth, honey, first you must look after this one, okay? Oh, you must give her a name."

"Like Mika and Isis?"

"Like Mika and Isis."

"Katie."

"But, Elizabeth, you already gave your teddy bear that name…"

Kathryn turned from the bay window to look where Elizabeth was sitting on a thick rug in front of the fireplace, playing with her kitten, with the teddy bear and other soft toys strewn about her. She was still a little shy; she was adjusting to having a family around her. Kathryn's mother and stepfather and Phoebe had been their only visitors. No one outside family visited yet as she desired some time alone with them first – Elizabeth and Chakotay. She had turned from death's door with her illness and was recovering at last. Chakotay had been with her all the time, explaining that he had already tied up some of his affairs on Dorvan and that he would take an appointment at Starfleet Academy. He wanted to be close to them and be present in their daughter's life.

Elizabeth played with Katie Kitten, and though a name like Scheherazade or Zaïde would have been more appropriate for a silver Persian, 'Katie' stuck, as 'Katie' had stuck on Katie Bear. She named all her toys 'Katie'. Tom had sent along a toy baby targ, which Elizabeth instantly dubbed Katie Targ.

B'Elanna had visited her once at the hospital. The meeting had been a difficult one. Not for her so much as it had been for B'Elanna who had been of the crew whose condemnation hit her the hardest. B'Elanna had confronted her straight out one evening in her quarters about her decision to abort her baby.

"I know what my baby is going to look like, Captain. She is going to be all Klingon in appearance. It frightened me, thinking I would lose Tom. I wanted to change her appearance as you know. But Captain, there was never a time that I did not want my baby. I love her desperately because she is a part me and of Tom and I want to be there to see her grow into independence. How could you even think about taking away what is a part of Chakotay?"

That had been B'Elanna in her good mood. About the real bad days when B'Elanna took her down in front of her staff… Kathryn didn't want to think about it anymore. B'Elanna had been tearful when she apologised to her at the hospital.

"B'Elanna, you must know some of what is my truth now. Sarah Hargreaves fooled us all. I wanted my baby, wanted her very much. You only acted on what you were told by Sarah – "

"It doesn't excuse what we did. Admiral, at the baby shower… I heard afterwards that a number of the crew spent time with you that night. They accepted you. We didn't. I'm sorry…so sorry…"

Yes, it was going to take time for some of her former crew to unwind and love her again.

She looked out the window again, wondering when Chakotay would return. It was the longest he had been out. They were alone here and apart from not wanting to leave Elizabeth alone in the house to go looking for him, she had to be careful as well, going out in the cold. She returned to the warmth of the fireplace and sat down beside her daughter. Mildly distracted from her play with the kitten and toys, Elizabeth looked up at her with trusting eyes. Her hair was long, in the way the women on Dorvan wore their hair, she supposed. Kathryn touched her daughter's cheek with infinite tenderness, feeling the tears burn in her eyes. For a moment the regret washed over her, over decisions made that would haunt her the rest of her life. But for Elizabeth, she had to remain strong, never let it eat into her the same way again.

"Mommy? Are you sad?"

"No, my angel. I am happy. I've been blessed."

**********


	15. Chapter 15

It was hours later and still Chakotay hadn't returned. Elizabeth had had her meal. Although she ate all her food, she had definite preferences, not liking too much meat. In that respect Elizabeth took after her father. She had had her bath and dressed in an identical set of pyjamas and robe like her mother. Kathryn smiled to herself. After only a week, Elizabeth copied her, down to her day clothes, and had insisted her hair been tied in a ponytail during the day. She had been tucked in and Kathryn had read to her a story. She could see the child was restless even as her eyes began to droop. Chakotay would return, Kathryn knew. Missy had gone out with him and master and dog would enter the house together like they had done before.

"Where is Papa?"

"He'll be home soon, pumpkin. You close your eyes now, okay?"

"And then he's going to tell me a story too."

"That's right. Missy is with Papa and Missy will also take care of Papa."

"Like Mommy is taking care of me?"

"Oh, yes, my angel. You are my little angel."

"I know, Mommy..."

The child had finally fallen asleep and Kathryn dimmed the light before she left the room and went to sit in the lounge. It was still warm in the room and outside it had grown dark and snow had fallen again. Soon the tracks left by Chakotay and Missy would be covered by fresh snow and no one would know that they had plotted a path away from the house.

She was beginning to get worried, primarily as Chakotay hadn't taken his commbadge with him. It made communication difficult. Not impossible, but difficult. She couldn't venture it out in the icy cold. Sighing, she collected an afghan rug from her room and went back to the lounge, pulling the rug over her as she settled herself on the couch in front of the fire. The warmth bathed her in softness, and only occasionally she lapsed into a bout of coughing. Voyager's EMH had warned her that it would happen in her recovery phase. On the first night Chakotay had been with her during the night, administering the antibiotics and suppressants.

"Chakotay, where are you..." she murmured to herself an hour later, still too wide awake and worried that he was still out in the icy cold.

And, as if he heard her, there was a scuffle at the front door. She heard Missy barking and the door opening. She rushed to the hall, the light still at full illumination there.

"Chakotay!" she whispered in urgent, low tones just as Missy jumped up and panted at her new master.

Chakotay looked bedraggled, covered in snow, shivering dangerously. He took a step to her, faltered, then braced himself against the wall. His eyes were dark, haunted, his mouth stiff from the cold. He wore no gloves and the fur-lined hood was pulled off his head. Even his hair bristled white from the frost.

Something had happened to him. Chakotay looked beaten, shattered.

"Chakotay..." she said his name again. She stepped forward to touch him and he shrank back. Her heart sank. "What is it, Chakotay?" she asked anxiously.

He looked at her, stumbled towards her. She caught him, falling back against the wall as his weight bore against her. She felt his shuddering and wished he'd get into a tub of boiling water to settle the shivering in him. He was spaced out. She pressed him away from her, but her palms rested against his chest.

Every day for three days he walked out and blended with the landscape. Whatever he was looking for, he never found. That was manifest in his restlessness at night, the way he sometimes couldn't look her in the eyes, the stilted conversations at times that she knew he was looking for the right words to say, to speak into her heart all he felt.

Her heart ached for him. His torment was only beginning.

"Kathryn..." he whispered in a hoarse voice, "I am not worthy of you..."

"What are you talking about? You - "

"Not worthy... I have hurt you beyond your strength. I cannot find peace, Kathryn, and I never will."

She did the only thing in those moments which her instinct charged her to act. She removed his anorak and made him take off his boots. Then she led him to the bathroom and there made him remove the rest of his clothes and pressed him into the shower cubicle, opening the taps, mixing the water to just above warm. He stood, facing away from her, the water scalding over his body - little rivulets that burned down and dissolved the coldness that seemed to have ingrained itself into his being. She didn't mind getting wet a little as some of the water splashed on her.

"Peace is a gift, Chakotay. You gave it to me a week ago, and now, I give it to you. Take it, for it will heal you."

But it seemed to her Chakotay wasn't listening. He appeared unaware of the steaming water scalding his body as he sank down and crouched on the floor of the shower in a foetal position, his hands clasped in front of him, his hair plastered to his head, his eyes closed.

"I can't. I have done you a grave injustice. I cannot forget your face, or your look or your words on Voyager. Everything you told me the past few days of your suffering, your torture, your pain, your fear... Everything makes sense, so much so that I am undone for never trusting you, never believing you..."

"It's over now, don't you see? You are punishing yourself."

"It's not over. It's not over, Kathryn. I can't look at you anymore. I see in your eyes your compassion and your forgiveness and I find...your goodness...impossible to bear. I must leave here."

"We have a duty to our daughter, to give her two loving and caring parents - "

"Elizabeth... every day she reminded me of you..."

Then his body convulsed, or it shuddered, from his shoulders down to his feet, to the arms that now hugged his knees to him. Kathryn's heart bled for him. If she were any different in her disposition, she would have hated him, but she couldn't hate him. She could never despise him. She had opportunities to tell him the truth even if it meant she would lose her baby.

She had weighed the safety of her child against his opinion of her and the unborn baby unknowingly won. But Chakotay was hurting, he was hurting so intensely that no words of solace would calm his savaged soul.

"You should hate me."

"Yes, I should. But I can't. Come," she said gently, feeling her cheeks wet as she closed the taps and handed him a towel. "I'll wait in the lounge..."

*********** 

The lounge carpet might well have had a long furrow in it the way she was pacing. Outside snow had fallen, flakes drifting slowly, silently, covering old tracks, inviting new ones. Quiet had descended. Missy had made herself comfortable as close to the hearth as she could to absorb the warmth from the fire. She had only lifted her head lazily as Kathryn entered then proceeded to ignore her former mistress. Hopefully the dog would remain lazy and not jump up at Chakotay when he made his appearance.

Earlier Kathryn had helped Elizabeth stack all her toys in a large toy box in her room. Katie Kitten's basket was there too, but Elizabeth had wanted Katie Kitten to lie on her bed. Katie Bear, Katie Targ and Katie Clown perched on her bed against the wall.

Kathryn sighed. Chakotay was taking long. She needed to comfort him, try and dispel his dark clouds and make him understand that she couldn't ever hate him. Once she had been told she was not worthy to be a mother and that had hurt her to the quick. For three long years she believed that it was her punishment, the constant ache inside her just wouldn't go away.

She turned when Chakotay entered the lounge. And then she became deathly pale, all blood draining from her face.

Chakotay was dressed. He was also packed, his large duffel slung over his shoulder.

"Chakotay?"

"I can't stay. I owe you a debt I can never repay. I have hurt you too deeply and just saying sorry will never be enough. Please, don't worry about Elizabeth. She is yours... Goodbye..."

Kathryn gaped all the time Chakotay spoke. He made to move to the door. Something in her snapped then. A blinding flash - of her seeing the many, many times she pleaded with this man for clemency, for time alone with her daughter, for his understanding, for his trust. She had had her fair share of mad, impulsive, bad decisions and paid dearly for them. She saw herself signing away custody of her baby to this man, her heart breaking into a million pieces. She saw herself in her ready room trying to motivate to the father of her child her reason for giving her little girl a gift he didn't want. She saw herself trying to explain to him that she couldn't in all of creation have wanted to murder her own baby. She saw his suspicion, his implacable stance to deny her everything that kept Kathryn Janeway's heart hollow for three long years. She saw herself lying in bed at Starfleet Medical, near dying, telling him her story, wanting him to believe her, seeing the shattered expression in his eyes.

She wasn't going to cry, although that urge rose like a wave, deep in her ocean of sorrow, primed like a silent beast ready to strike, rising to the surface.

Don't cry.. Don't cry...

 

Like a thousand times before when this man hurt her beyond measure, far beyond her own strength, she took those tears and banished them back to her ocean of sorrow. 

"What - what did you say?" she asked, as if she never heard him the first time.

"Kathryn, I must leave, for my pain at hurting you is too much to bear..."

"You slimy...bastard," she hissed, enjoying the look of shock on his face, feeding her anger off that look. "You are not going to leave here and hang me out to dry again."

"Kathryn, don't - "

"You bailed on me before, Chakotay. You made me pay for my deeds. You sent to me hell and I have been there ever since. What makes you think all of this is about you?"

"That is not true - "

"I seem to hear those words coming from my mouth when I pleaded for your better judgment and your reasoning, your sense of justice, what's right and wrong. Mostly, I pleaded for your compassion. You are not going to bail on me again just because you think you hurt me so much that you can't look me in the eyes. Like before, you're doing something to make you feel better.

"I have not breathed properly for more than three years, Chakotay. For more than three years I kept seeing your censure, your condemnation of my deeds, your denial of everything we ever had, our friendship, our camaraderie, our love. For more than three years I kept seeing something I believed with all my heart I was denied with you - sharing our beautiful little girl. For all that time on Voyager waiting for Elizabeth to be born, you made me believe I'm not a worthy mother. And you know what, you sick bastard, I believed it. I believed every sordid word that went out against my name because you preferred not to protect me."

"I... Kathryn, please, I do care - "

"Christ, Chakotay. I once believed a story a warrior told of a warrior princess, of swearing an oath that he would be by her side forever and protect her with his life, if it came to that. I searched for that warrior for more than three years and here he is standing before me, wallowing in self-pity."

"Kathryn, I can't look you in the eyes and believe that you can forgive me - "

"Don't lay the guilt on me. I refuse to lie down and let you and your gang trample all over me again. But you know what? The way you're handling this, you should have left me in that hospital to die - "

"Kathryn!" he cried, dropping his duffel and gripping her shoulders. "Don't...don't speak of dying... It's the thought of you dying... I swear I didn't know. There are so many things I did wrong I can't begin to count them. I think back on Voyager, those last months, and I want to die myself seeing my own stupidity, my injustice, my wrongdoing against the finest woman I ever knew. When you told me of your experiences all I wanted to do was keep my head hanging down very low in shame - forever! I believe you, Kathryn. I believe you! I can't forget how you looked when you told me your story. There were so many levels of pain and shades of darkness to it and when you finished, you looked at me with that expression you had on Voyager... Like you were pleading with me again to believe you. And it hit me. It hit me here!" he cried, hitting furiously at his chest. "I don't deserve you, Kathryn. You were true to your feelings. I was not! I - am - not - worthy - you..." he cried out, emphasising every word.

She lunged at him, beating at his chest with her fists, as hard as she could.

"You're not walking out of here, Chakotay. I swear to God I'm going to kill you - "

She was so angry, her eyes so full of the heat that she hardly noticed how his expression changed. He looked at her stunned, the shock turning gradually to warmth, tenderness that hesitantly ventured to radiate from his face. A great, great hunger that suddenly, unceremoniously turned him from a coward, a self-pitying warrior into a man with a need to hold her close. She sagged against him, feeling the shudders return, shudders she remembered from a night long ago. His arms enfolded her and she felt him press his mouth against her head. She wondered idly whether the dog sensed she had to keep out of their business.

"Out there, on Dorvan...on the way here, I couldn't stop thinking of you dying, not wanting to live. I thought what manner of man would do that to the woman he loved, when it was in his power to change things. I wanted to come long ago, my love, when Elizabeth was a year old. Only, I was so angry still - angry at myself, angry at Sarah for letting me down and letting our baby down, and for still believing you of every crime committed against Elizabeth. But pride kept me away...you cannot know how deeply I regret that, how sorry I am... I want to stay, believe me, but I keep seeing your pain, Kathryn, and I keep thinking that I put it there..."

"I became convinced I would never see you, never see our daughter again. I tried...as hard as I could...to make my peace with that."

"I cannot find rest. These past few days... I know your hell now, Kathryn."

"Stay with me," she told him.

When he didn't reply, she raised her face to him, seeing the hunger still there, seeing his need and seeing mostly that it was going to be her task to convince him that staying would be better than leaving. He looked so endearingly insecure that her heart wanted to break all over again. He was a man, warrior, who failed her, who would take a long time to live down his treatment of her. She was a woman. Her compassion was built-in, her forgiveness unconditional, her humanity forged in the crucibles of two quadrants that sought to destroy her. So was her need to protect one of the strongest men she knew. One day - she hoped that day would come soon - she would stand in front of him again and say "I am proud of you, Chakotay."

But right now, she needed to feed his hunger.

"Well, are you coming or going?" she demanded, melting into him, feeling his body leap into arousal.

Her words were unnecessary. Already she was short of breath, giddy with delight as he groaned his response and lifted her high in his arms. He was warm, the cold outside forgotten. With a sigh she threw her arms around him and clutched him tightly, burying her face in his neck. Relief swamped her. She nestled against him, brushing his roughened cheek with her hungry lips. Her mind began to whirl as desire swamped her. She was positive she was floating all the way to her bedroom where he lay her down so gently she wanted to cry.

Kathryn looked deeply into his eyes.

"I'm coming," he said gruffly, the touch of his hand brushing her cheek contrasting to his rough expression of desire. 

"If we can't make it together now, " she whispered fervently, "we never will. I love you, Chakotay and I always have. It just needs a major rekindling..."

She smiled as she helped him out of his clothing for the second time that night. When he joined her on the bed, seeking her warmth under the covers, his body ready for her, Kathryn knew that the staying would outweigh the leaving after all. They were intoxicated with passion as he began to kiss her senseless, her lips eager, searching and soft under his. The touch was electrical and blinding, the joy almost too much to bear. When he broke off the kiss, he pulled her into his arms. She felt how he shook, caressing her hair.

"I love you," he murmured over and over as he rocked her. Then he pressed her against the pillows. "Let me show you..."

Kathryn didn't wonder later how her tears came to flow as he made love to her. They were old flames rekindling anew the fires of their passion. Whether all of it was accompanied by deep moans, or impassioned entreaties for mercy and forgiveness, or silent tears that flowed, or occasional wracking sobs in the face of such forceful lovemaking, it didn't matter who invoked the blessing of the deities the loudest.

Some time during the night she woke up in a paroxysm of coughing, sitting bolt upright as the fit wracked her body. Chakotay woke on the instant and the next few minutes she lay revelling in his attention as he administered again an antibiotic and soothing suppressants. When she wanted to cry because he was so attentive, he simply held her close and whispered a hundred endearments.

"Thank you..." she said dreamily.

*************** 

It was still dark outside when Chakotay woke next to the sleeping Kathryn. He looked at her, stroked her cheek very gently. She had suffered a bout of coughing during the night, bringing home to him the reality of her condition. He sighed, remembering their passion, thinking that it was impossible to leave.

He was realistic, knew that he would spend the rest of his life feeling guilty and making it up to her, but her accusation hit him between the eyes. If he left, she would be devastated a second time. The truth was, he never ever wanted to leave her again.

For three days he had been desperate, trying to find something to hold on to, something that would settle the war in his savaged heart. The further he walked, the more he realised that he was no nearer to attaining peace.

Almost too late, and when Kathryn blew her top at him, he was reminded that they were two parts of one entity and that any resolution, any harmony he wished to reach, he could only do so with Kathryn by his side. There was no other way for him. Whatever he had done to her, however much his own deeds punished her to the point that she felt she could no longer live, Kathryn was going to be part of the healing process, just was he was going to be for her.

He had wanted to leave last night. He had been wracked by guilt, remorse, pain. He believed that he could no longer serve her with those credentials. He had to admit that his motives were based in self-pity and an absolute conviction that she would never forgive him, but even more distressing, that he would never be able to forgive himself.

Last night they sealed their bond and charted the first steps towards healing together. He could no longer leave than deny Kathryn as the mother of their daughter. They were going to be there for Elizabeth for always, as long as they both lived. In the last week he had seen how much the child took to her natural mother. Elizabeth was still amazingly shy. Her reserve, her painful attention to seriousness had been mostly attributed to an uncaring Sarah Hargreaves. Raising her alone as a man who was constantly at war with himself, who rarely had anything to smile about, rarely experiencing joy. He never came away from the habak with a feeling of peace. It rubbed off on his daughter. She played in a corner with her toys, was mostly quiet and had a sense of keeping herself occupied. It worried him. Her cousins were young boys who had their own interests and found a little girl tagging behind them distracting. They were just boys, with boys' exuberance for life. So Elizabeth found things to keep her occupied, dwelling in her own little world.

That was on Dorvan. Here, in Kathryn's home, under Kathryn's gentle ministration, her little girl was beginning to come out of her shell, beginning to live again, smile and even laugh out loud.

He wanted to curse Sarah Hargreaves...

"We will have to tell Elizabeth that Sarah Hargreaves gave birth to her..."

He hadn't realised that he had closed his eyes and when he opened them, that Kathryn was staring at him. She touched his cheek tenderly, her eyes still warm from last night's passion.

"You read my mind?" he asked, smiling down at her.

"Your face contorted," she answered gently. "You were thinking of her."

"She brought me nothing but grief," he said, his voice tinged with regret.

"Don't worry. We're together, a team. We'll tackle all of our tribulations together."

He could only stare in mute fascination at her. She looked beloved, blessed, beautiful in the early morning. He groaned as he pulled her into his embrace, unable to stop himself from shuddering at what he almost, almost lost.

His eyes felt gritty when he looked at her again. A smile played on her lips, a gentle, teasing, welcoming smile.

"I know. I love you."

"Welcome home, Chakotay..." she breathed against him.

Her eyes remained incredibly warm as they rested on him - warm and moist and encompassing. He kissed her, reverently. It was impossible to deny her anything. His heart filled with love for her, a great, divine feeling that threatened to burst its banks and overflow. He was always going to be in her power from now on. He had always been in her power. By some terrible circumstance the fates derailed him, but the fates had been kind – they kept him alive by keeping Kathryn's memory, everything that they ever shared with him, lurking in his subconscious and his conscious mind forever. He could never detach himself from her. What happened, happened with the most dire consequences for them both. It felt to him his heart beat as one with hers. He saw a life devoid of all meaning, all wealth, all purpose, all fulfilment if Kathryn was not a part of that life. And so the words rushed from him in complete, throbbing urgency.

"Marry me, Kathryn. Marr – "

Just at that moment a loud wail filled the house, and almost right outside Kathryn's door. Elizabeth was screaming at the top of her head, sobbing bitterly.

"Elizabeth! Chakotay, I must - " Kathryn started, wanting to jump out of the bed.

"You stay in bed. I'll get her..."

But Kathryn was behind him as he rushed to the door to open it. If it weren't that the child needed comfort instantly, Chakotay would have laughed. Elizabeth stood there, Katie Bear under one arm and Katie Kitten in the other. Somehow she tried to told on to Katie Targ as well. The kitten was mewling for all it was worth in sympathy with her little mistress whose tears streamed down her cheeks.

"Elizabeth! Sweetie, what is the matter?" Kathryn asked, bursting past him and bending down to the child's height.

"I looked for Papa…"

"I'm here, honey," he said as Kathryn lifted Elizabeth in her arms, managing to cart the toys and kitten as well to her bed.

"But Papa, I looked for you in your room."

Kathryn gave him a look that said "you explain this".

"Well, sweetie, I'm sorry I wasn't in my room and I know you worried that I might be gone, right?" The child nodded her head, her hair bobbing from side to side. Her tears still glistened and Kathryn made work, kissing her cheek, wiping away the tears, hugging Elizabeth to her. Katie Kitten had already snuggled up to Kathryn, the bear and targ lying at their feet.

"Why are you in Mommy's bed?"

He was quiet for a few seconds.

Kathryn nudged him in the ribs. He was supposed to come up with an answer that a three year old would understand. He had seen this child grow from baby to a stumbling toddler to a child running across a dusty street on Dorvan to meet him. He had seen her so introverted that he considered getting counselling for her. He had seen her sprout her first teeth, take her first steps, say her first words. He had seen her drift so naturally away from Sarah Hargreaves who gave birth to her but never understood the joy of motherhood, that it stunned him. Stunned him and filled him with deep concern that Elizabeth was growing up without a mother. She had been his pride and joy - for a long time on Dorvan the only shining light in his life of darkness. He had seen countless times how Elizabeth inclined her head, or moved her lips, or positioned her arms so that she stood hands on her hips, stubborn as she stood her ground against him.

And every time she did that, she looked so like her mother that his heart wanted to break from the pain of remembrance.

He leaned over to kiss her on her cheek.

"Because I'm going to sleep in Mommy's room from now on."

"And I will always have my Mommy?"

"Always, honey."

"Elizabeth, I have a present for you," Kathryn said, moving the child and kitten and scrambling off the bed to her wardrobe.

Chakotay frowned. On Voyager, when Kathryn asked him, he denied her her right as a mother to give her own daughter a gift. For a moment darkness settled in him again. But Kathryn returned to the bed with a box and placed it down between then, then lifting Elizabeth up to sit next to her. Chakotay's heart hammered. Kathryn never once looked at him while she opened to box. He wondered if she remembered that day in her ready room when she begged him to give something for the baby shower.

Then he gasped. Kathryn had told him about this in the hospital. Regret ran like a river of fiery pain through him. It was the rosewood music box with its mother-of-pearl floral inlay.

Elizabeth clasped her hands together as Kathryn lifted the lid and they heard music. Single notes of a divertimento, just as she had explained.

"I know!" said Elizabeth.

"What do you know, poppet?"

"It's from Mommy to me!"

"Yes, darling," Kathryn said, her eyes resting with infinite tenderness on the child. "My mother - Grandma Gretchen gave this to me when I was very little. Now I give it to my very own precious little girl."

The music stopped when Kathryn closed the box and Elizabeth threw her short arms round her mother's neck.

"My heart is full, my Kathryn," he said hoarsely as he caressed her hair. Elizabeth broke away briefly from her mother's embrace and looked at him.

"My name is also Kathryn," she piped up.

"Yes, honey."

"Kathryn Janeway."

"Well, actually, you know it's Elizabeth Kathryn – "

"No, Kathryn Janeway."

"But we can call you Elizabeth, right?"

Her tears have evaporated. His little girl was engaged in a battle of wills with him. It had been like that since she could talk. She was to be convinced only by thoughtful reasoning. He was treading sensitive ground here.

"Elizabeth, honey. Your mommy is already Kathryn Janeway. How am I going to know who is who?"

"Okay, Papa."

"Good. I love Elizabeth. Mommy picked that name herself."

"Oh."

Elizabeth turned to face her mother and hugged her, planting a kiss on Kathryn's cheek.

"And I can come every morning to Mommy's room?"

"Well – "

Another sharp nudge in the ribs.

"You can come in every morning."

Elizabeth lay her head against her mother's bosom. His heart felt full. They were mother and daughter, irrevocably bound by blood. They were his girls. Elizabeth gave a sigh of contentment.

"I love you, Mommy."

"And me, sweetie?" he asked.

"And you too, Papa."

Later when they all lay spooned together and were almost dozing off again, including Katie Kitten lying at Kathryn's feet and Missy who had decided to enter the room, jump on the bed and rest at Chakotay's feet, Elizabeth Kathryn popped another question.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, sweetheart?" Kathryn answered drowsily.

"Forever?"

"Forever."

************************

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWO EPILOGUES TO FOLLOW AS CHAPTER 16


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter is really two epilogues. Thank to one of my readers who was concerned about Sarah.

EPILOGUE 1

**Two years later - Windermere, the Lake District - United Kingdom**

She loved this time of the year - when spring brought with it everything new and fresh and wild irises bathed the woodlands with their deep purple splashes and the grass was green, green as one could not imagine. In the worlds they had visited during their Delta Quadrant years Kathryn had never seen grass quite as green as the English Lake District. 

It was a short walk from the transports to her destination on the outskirts of Windermere. A little smallholding owned by a gentleman in his nineties. Chakotay had wanted to accompany her. But she'd told him that it was something she had to do alone, and without Elizabeth. At five and a half Elizabeth was blossoming. 

"Are we going to Dorvan for the holidays, Mommy?" Elizabeth had asked before she left Indiana.

"Yes, sweetie. You know that, don't you? We'll go ever year so you could connect with your cousins. 

"And my cats! But I love Missy too, although Missy belongs so Daddy now."

She'd thought how easily Elizabeth had slipped into calling Chakotay "Daddy". It was Miral and little Jamie Hamilton's influence. 

"Don't worry. I'm sure Missy likes you too, honey."

It felt so good, all these little endearments she could use with the total, breathless freedom now that her daughter was back with her. They'd decided to inform Elizabeth soon, like after her sixth birthday, about the circumstances of her birth. Elizabeth seemed to have forgotten Sarah Hargreaves, only mentioning her at odd times and in a very off-hand manner.

Sarah.

Kathryn had been surprised when the young woman had been called before Admiral Paris and her stepfather, Adam Ponsonby shortly after Chakotay brought Elizabeth back to Earth. They had had the opportunity to interrogate Sarah after Seven of Nine and Tuvok had gathered all the evidence they'd collected during Sarah's pregnancy. Tuvok had reviewed again all his results with regard to the near deaths of her baby after Seven had quietly but firmly insisted that he had been in error in his original findings on Voyager. 

"You don't have to be present, Kathryn," her stepfather had said. "But the young lady has committed serious crimes against you as well as your unborn child. It cannot be ignored or overlooked."

"Please," Kathryn had begged, "be lenient with her. Elizabeth is with me now. She is happy and I am happy. Chakotay will always live with his decisions and his treatment of me. That is punishment enough. He has constant nightmares…"

"Fine. But Ensign Hargreaves must be made aware of the severity of her crimes and that we all know now of her treachery."

Kathryn had simply nodded, remembering how B'Elanna had begged her forgiveness in the hospital. After that they'd heard nothing of Sarah Hargreaves, except that she'd returned to England and found work there.

Now as she made her way to the Hargreaves smallholding, Kathryn's heart raced. She had not seen Sarah since that last day on Voyager. Five years had passed since then. The last two the happiest of her life since Elizabeth and Chakotay returned to fill it. 

Kathryn approached the white gate of the tiny farm, seeing a gentleman wearing a wide brimmed hat standing among tall grass, not unlike Boothby at the Academy. He looked up when he saw her, stopped what he was doing and walked slowly toward her. 

"Admiral Janeway?"

"Yes. You must be Andrew Hargreaves. Judge Andrew Hargreaves…"

"That is so, Admiral. Come inside. I was expecting you. But it is really Sarah you have come to see, not so?"

"She may not want to see me, Judge Hargreaves."

"Please, call me Andrew. And yes, I can tell you Sarah is very afraid. But I can see in your eyes, Admiral Janeway, that the conversation is necessary."

Kathryn simply nodded as they entered the spacious home of Andrew Hargreaves. 

"Please, do make yourself comfortable, Admiral. I have told Sarah you're coming."

Judge Hargreaves gave her a penetrating look and hesitated before moving from the lounge.

"Is anything wrong, Judge Hargreaves?" Kathryn asked, frowning.  
"Sarah," he started, "told me of what she had done. Had this been thirty years ago and had I not known Sarah, I would have advocated a severe sentence. Since her trial, she has suffered too, you must understand. I am sorry for the part my granddaughter played in the misery that had befallen you…"

Kathryn felt her eyes sting with tears as the old man nodded. Then he shuffled out of the lounge and disappeared for a few minutes. Kathryn looked about her. A framed photograph of a couple in Starfleet uniform stood on a mantelpiece. They could be Sarah's late parents. Kathryn had since learned that they'd both died in 2373 on the USS Endeavour during the Federation's conflict with the Dominion. Kathryn closed her eyes momentarily. On Voyager they had been so busy fighting and surviving that she'd had very little time to engage in meaningful conversation with lower decks crews. That had been Chakotay's forte…

Kathryn took a closer look at the picture and smiled involuntarily. Sarah Hargreaves was the spitting image of her mother. So many of the former crew she'd met in the last two years told her how Elizabeth was the spitting image of her, Kathryn. 

Approaching footsteps alerted her that someone - probably Sarah - was about to appear. Kathryn looked up and rose to her feet as Sarah stood at the entranceway. 

"Hello, Sarah."

The young woman looked diffident and afraid. It was written all over her as Kathryn could see by the way Sarah's hands trembled.

"Admiral…" she said in a voice devoid of the malevolence and smugness of those terrible days on Voyager. 

"I'd like to speak with you."

"Hasn't enough been said?" Sarah asked, the dread still lurking in her eyes. She looked tired, Kathryn realised. Tired and dispirited. 

"No, Sarah. That is why I am here."

"What I did, was wrong, I know. I cannot expect anyone to forgive me, now that they know what a criminal I am."

"Please, it's a beautiful day, Sarah. Walk outside with me? Your farm is beautiful…"

Without answering, Sarah walked out and Kathryn followed her. Minutes later they stood among the purple wild irises, the sun blessedly bathing their faces. Sarah fidgeted with her hands, trying to still them, Kathryn supposed. 

"Tell me why you did it," Kathryn urged, wanting to hear the truth from Sarah's own mouth. "Please, don't be afraid…"

"I loved him, you know?"

"Enough to drive a wedge between us by harming an innocent baby?"

"You don't understand, Captain - Admiral! Something in me changed. I always did like Commander Chakotay. I think I perhaps even loved him. But the moment Elizabeth was transported inside me, I changed. I was never like that, never," Sarah said heatedly, in what Kathryn realised was a beautifully modulated English accent.

To her horror Kathryn Sarah began crying, tears streaming down her beautiful face. Kathryn reached to touch her hand, but Sarah pulled away.

"I thought Commander Chakotay would love me, would make me his wife. I was so certain, the way he hated you. I was crazy. Acted crazy! I never wanted to harm the baby, Admiral. It was never - " 

Kathryn's heart went out to Sarah, her own woes and pain forgotten as she reached to touch the ensign's hand again. 

"Suddenly," Sarah said, continuing to sob wildly, "I felt different, like someone had thrown a switch and I became another person. I couldn't explain what was happening to me. Suddenly I didn't care how much I hurt you. I wanted Chakotay on my side, and the rest of the crew also."

"Did you love Elizabeth, Sarah? Did you love her like I dreamed of loving her and holding her in my arms? Did you love her?"

Sarah paused in her crying, studying Kathryn for long minutes.

"Maybe, just a little. On Dorvan - " Sarah gave a big sigh. "I just wanted him, you know. To take notice of me at last and to - to thank me for carrying your baby to term…"

"You just used her as a tool - "

"Yes! Yes! And I cannot tell you how sorry I am! I lost my friends, people dear to me, my grandfather who raised me while my parents were in deep space - "

"On Voyager, Sarah, I lost everything. Not just friendships that I valued above all else, but the respect of the crew, especially my most senior officers. I tell you know, it drove me to the brink of depression. But I am not here to berate you. I had been through a most terrifying ordeal at the hands of the Cardassians. You must understand how difficult it was for me to carry a baby, because of what they'd done to me. Let me tell you now, my dear, there was never a time that I didn't want my baby. I have loved her always and will love her forever."

Sarah burst into a wild bout of tears again. Her face contorted as she gave in to her pain and remorse.

"I am sorry, so sorry for all the hurt I've caused you - "

Kathryn took a step forward and pulled Sarah Hargreaves into her arms. With a great sigh Sarah leaned against her bosom, her body shaking as she wept. Yet Kathryn could feel how soft and good it was, as if the pus was oozing from a wound, leaving it cleansed and on the way to healing. She waited until Sarah's tears had subsided. Then she held the distraught woman away from her and made Sarah look her in the eyes.

"I would be a monster," Kathryn said, "if I couldn't find it in my heart to forgive you. You were young, Sarah, and in love. You did things for which you were punished. I have been through hell, but my dear, I forgive you. I will never rest myself if I cannot gift you with forgiveness."

Sarah threw herself in Kathryn's arms again, still time Kathryn just quietly holding on to her. The tension, the anxiety began to leave Sarah. She felt her own being suffused with peace at last.

"Sarah…"

"Yes, Admiral?"

"We are leaving in a few weeks' time for Dorvan. I'd like for you to meet Elizabeth before then. She is now just over five years old. Would that be okay for you?"

Sarah's eyes lit up. "Yes, please!"

"Then we'll arrange a meeting for you, but on the USS Voyager, captained by Magnus Rollins."

"I will work on a starship again?"

Kathryn gazed in the direction of the house. Even from where they stood, old Judge Hargreaves nodded. Kathryn even though she saw him smile. 

"Lieutenant Sarah Hargreaves should report for duty a week from now."

"Thank you, thank you, Admiral!"

"Sarah, I should thank you. You gave me the gift of your pregnancy. For that I will always be grateful."

Kathryn thought that Sarah Hargreaves would be subjected to the kind of criticism that threatened to break her down five years ago. Like Tom Paris in those first months struggled to live down his iniquities and to fit in on Voyager, so Sarah would face the same treatment. 

For Sarah's sake Kathryn prayed that she'd come through her own hell and be a stronger person. A young former Equinox officer, now reinstated to Lieutenant-Commander and serving on Voyager has enquired after Sarah. It had not escaped Kathryn's eyes that he sounded very interested, like being in love interested.

**** 

 

EPILOGUE 2

 

Chakotay gave a sigh of relief as he entered the cool lounge of their Indiana farmhouse. There were just too many people today at their annual reunion. Voyager crew and their spouses, their children and their cats and dogs, if it came to that. Missy had followed him inside. Chakotay absently rubbed the dog's head. Missy was getting old now and her movements slower than the exuberant setter who adopted him the first time he set foot in Indiana.

He stared out the window. Kathryn was in her element. She smiled, greeted, laughed, talked, touched someone on the shoulder here or the head of a child there. He had met them all, had spent half the morning entertaining them with food and the exchange of gifts.

He saw Elizabeth running around with Miral Torres and Jamie Hamilton, eight year old son of Mariah. They had become great friends since the first reunion with Kathryn at his side. It had been hard that first year, for both of them. Still suspicious of Kathryn were those crew who believed her guilty and still suspicious were Kathryn's friends who had beaten him up, sent him to hell and cursed him for his thoughtlessness. Dalby and Ayala had unexpectedly sided with Kathryn on Voyager. In retrospect, he was glad that she did have crew who believed in her.

"You're throwing away the finest woman I know," Dalby had barked at him. "Treating her like dirt."

He had walked with a cracked jaw for two days untended, never eating until he had been forced to see the EMH.

They had been that angry. Now most of those who'd condemned her had changed towards her. Friends like Tom, B'Elanna, Mariah, Dalby, Ayala and Seven of Nine has lost no time in providing them with the truth, without giving away too much of what had happened in the Cardassian prison. 

Now they could all see how close Kathryn and Elizabeth were as mother and daughter. Kathryn's love was open, unvarnished, clear to those who saw them together. They could all witness that love, making them finally realise that they had been wrong. 

No one spoke of Sarah Hargreaves, although Kathryn, generous as always, had visited her in England where she had forgiven the ensign. It had been a cathartic experience for them both. She'd arranged a meeting with Elizabeth on board Voyager before it left for deep space. Sarah had looked very guilty in his presence, but was happy to see how Elizabeth had grown. 

Chakotay smiled as he thought of that meeting. Kathryn had not only relieved her of her burden of guilt, but also promoted Sarah to Lieutenant to serve under Magnus Rollins. Once or twice when on Earth Kathryn invited her to spend a few days with them. She was simply Sarah to Elizabeth who saw her as nothing more than an officer on Voyager. 

Elizabeth was equally unaffected in her love for her mother. She still kept all the gifts that Kathryn had received for her baby shower on Voyager. They went together on excursions, shopping trips, exhibitions, concerts. Kathryn tutored her in science while Grandma Gretchen opened the world of mathematics to the child's eager young mind. He was there too, telling her tales of warriors and legends, which so enthralled her.

Their daughter thrived as a balanced young child in the care of her loving parents.

Many times he still grappled with what he almost threw away.

Now he sighed, just wanting to rest and be alone with Kathryn later when everyone had gone. After almost eight years of marriage, he remained awed at her generosity of spirit, was more in love with her than ever before. He had spent time in their company but after patting heads of children, talking to Tom, B'Elanna, Dalby and Ayala, and a few others, he hastened inside, finding refuge in the lounge with only Missy as company.

A hand slipped into his and he closed his eyes at the touch of it.

"Why are you inside, Daddy?"

"Sometimes, I just need to be a little bit alone, okay? I'll join them again in a few minutes."

"Me too. When are we going to Dorvan?"

"In two weeks. School vacation and a whole month after that – altogether two months."

"Am I going to visit the _habak_ again this year, Daddy?"

Chakotay kept his eyes on the crowd outside, their figures receding into remembrance as he turned to face the child. Then he smiled. When he married Kathryn eight years ago, he never thought that they would be blessed with another miracle. Neither did Kathryn, for that matter. Her medical history made miracles impossible, that's what they believed.

They had been on Dorvan for their annual vacation. Kathryn was waiting outside their abode as he walked back from the habak. He sensed instantly that something was wrong. He sprinted the last few metres to reach her side, breathless with anxiety. The same fear was there, the one he never recognised on Voyager.

"K-Kathryn," he stammered as he reached her and pulled her into his embrace. "Honey, what is the matter?"

"I – we are pregnant, Chakotay."

He hadn't waited. They made their goodbyes to his sister and two cousins and hastened back to Earth where Voyager's EMH examined Kathryn extensively. They had not used boosters. Kathryn had been convinced she would never fall pregnant again after Elizabeth. Now, her fear surfaced all over again and he realised how terrifying it must have been when she fell pregnant with Elizabeth. She had told him about the Cardassians in an emotionless voice that recounted the horror of their torture, their callous rape and impregnation and now she was reliving the terror of those months again.

It struck them with force, and in the midst of the reliving of her horror, the EMH and Doctor Paris waged a battle on another front to save this child too, for Kathryn – he berated himself a thousand times again – was going to miscarry. He had never listened to her the first time when she did want to tell him about their first child. Their son wasn't going to survive and Kathryn had been near hysteria again. When he had managed after many weeks to calm Kathryn to a point where she finally realised that they would do everything in their power to let her carry her baby to at least seven months, she calmed down.

Elizabeth Paris, Tom's mother, had been a miracle counsellor, guiding Kathryn through her trauma. Once, Owen Paris had stopped by and spoke with them. His voice had been kind, full of understanding and the gentle caution that they had to think of their child now. What happened was terrible, but it was over.

And so Kathryn lay in the twenty fourth century version of traction, almost similar to what Neelix endured when the Vidiians harvested his lungs. And Kathryn had gone through trauma of a different kind. The long hours lying still, on her back, interminable months of immobility made her crazy. Then the storm of tears when she felt their son kick for the first time, her regret of never having carried Elizabeth to term. He had been at his most patient, been harassed mercilessly; he swore by the spirits that Kathryn tested his endurance to the very limits.

"Didn't you promise to be by my side forever?"

"But Kathryn, getting leeola strawberries is impossible!"

"Nonsense, if it has seeds, it can grow. But do bring me some, please?"

And Kathryn's eyes would go all watery and his heart would crumble and dissolve in those watery eyes.

"And no, don't replicate them."

How long did leeola strawberries take to grow? He had enlisted Neelix's help and called on Noah Lessing who was serving on Voyager under Magnus Rollins to create something resembling strawberries with leeola in the hydroponics bay there. When he finally had a bowl of what resembled leeola strawberries, Kathryn didn't want it anymore, saying she'd love a cheese sandwich with sand. She had been impossible to handle. Almost. He could understand her frustration having to lie still and wait until their son was born. He was faced with what other husbands endured in their partners – the impossible and unbelievable demands of unnatural cravings during pregnancy. And poor Elizabeth became just as cranky as her mother, crying at the oddest and most inopportune times, or being just clingy the entire day, or on others just lying with her mother on the high bed and massaging her mother's stomach.

But their son was growing and Kathryn was blossoming.

"It's the most wonderful feeling, the way he kicks. I don't mind if he kicks all night and never rests, Chakotay. He's alive! Isn't it wonderful?"

And then the unexpected depression when Kathryn would rail at all Cardassians and doctors, refuse to eat or co-operate with Doctors Paris and the EMH. Plunged into the depths of despair, it brought home to him how little he understood her plight on Voyager. 

Then Kathryn became ill again. They feared for her life and that of her unborn child. Again they considered a surrogate. Kathryn's condition worsened just at the thought of losing her baby, or someone carrying the child.

"So help me, God, Chakotay. If you let them transport my baby out of here, I will kill you, I swear."

They battled. They prayed. Her parents, her friends, former crew of Voyager who heard that she was to give birth and that there were complications. Kathryn would have died just proving to everyone that this time she wanted to do the right thing or, to do the thing the right way. Kathryn came out of it. At seven months, when both doctors concurred that it was safe for baby to be born, they induced labour.

It had been difficult for everyone to remain unaffected. He had held his baby son to him, with Kathryn's hand never far from touching the baby. His heart burst. They cried together. A miracle happened.

"Daddy…?"

Chakotay, brought back from his reverie, looked into the eyes of his son. If he hoped that his son might look like him, Kathryn confounded him in that too. Kolopak Neill Janeway was a boy version of Elizabeth. They had the same colour hair, the eyes, and although both children had a light tan, in every respect they physically resembled their mother.

He had wondered if there was nothing of him in their children. But both children had surprised him.

"Daddy?" Kolopak tugged at his shirt.

"Yes, son?"

"Will I see Grandpa Kolopak in my vision quest again?"

****************** 

It was quiet after the crew and their families left and Kathryn and Elizabeth entered the lounge where Chakotay and Kolopak were seated on the couch. Earlier, when they had seen most of the visitors off, Chakotay had been withdrawn, though he displayed great friendliness when Dalby ribbed him, or Ayala gave him a few chuckles. Marla had given him a hug. Magnus was still in deep space, but James, his son from a previous marriage and now a young Starfleet lieutenant had shaken his hand. James thought the world of Chakotay who had taught him Advanced Tactical at the Academy. He had been a strapping young fourteen year old when they returned home and when his father married Marla, promptly called her Mom, "because I never had one since I was three" he told her once.

All the time she had kept an eye on Chakotay while they greeted, hugged, kissed the little children, shook hands with the teens. He wanted to retreat and at the earliest opportunity had vanished into the house. She smiled gently. Every time they came, or in moments when they were extra close, Chakotay had been overwhelmed. They loved him as much as they now loved her. She sighed. It was too soon perhaps to tell him of her conversation with Sarah Hargreaves, but she had forgiven the young woman. It was Chakotay who found her compassion still hard to bear, still at times cried out his unworthiness.

They had two wonderful, well-adjusted children who looked like her but who took after him. She didn't mind it one bit. Both children had had the great, rare privilege as children, to have experienced visions in the habak on Dorvan, Elizabeth seeing her great-grandfather and Kolopak seeing Chakotay's father.

But the haunted look was on his face. She sighed.

It was time she brought her husband back from the abyss again.

"Elizabeth, honey, take Kolopak outside, will you?" she said.

"Yes, Mom," she replied, walking up to her brother. "Come, we're going to pick some tomatoes for Mommy."

"Really?"

"No, but we can pretend."

Kathryn smiled indulgently when they left. She sat down next to her husband and laced her fingers through his. They sat a few seconds in silence.

"You're quiet," she said.

He pulled her gently into his embrace.

"I drown in your compassion, Kathryn."

"You gave me back my life."

There was a pause.

"I read a poem, from long, long ago. The words struck me, because it echoed everything in my heart in those days. Do you realise that…everything that happened to us, the forces that drove us apart, the forces that brought us together…happened during – "

"Winter…"

"Yes."

"Do you know the poem?" she asked. It always ended like this. Her heart overflowed with great humility. He had written it down and the first time he had read it to her was the day they married. Chakotay fumbled in his pocket, pulled out the faded piece of paper and began to read the first lines:

_In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,_  
Earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;  
Snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow,  
In the bleak midwinter, long ago… 

*********************************************************************************** 

 

END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My most grateful thanks to all readers who read the story, commented, offered kudos. Writing a believable scenario was always going to be a challenge and I appreciate that you followed this novella. Thank you once again.


End file.
